(Closed) best friend can't come to the wedding– am I being a bad friend? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I wrong for picking a date my friend can't make?
    Yes, you should have chosen a date when she'll be available : (4 votes)
    6 %
    No, you can't schedule your wedding around other people : (63 votes)
    90 %
    Maybe, you should have talked to her about it : (3 votes)
    4 %
    Other : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    To be honest, I don’t think anyone is completely right or wrong in this situation. She’s probably very hurt that she told you her plans and when she wouldn’t be able to make it, and you’re going ahead and booking the wedding in for that time anyway, but you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for a friend that you’re saying you’re not that close to.


    Post # 4
    8471 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    No way!  Keep your date and don’t worry about her. It doesn’t seem like you are close enough with her to revolve your wedding date around her schedule. 

    Post # 5
    1114 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    There are always going to be important people in your life who won’t be able to make it to your various events no matter how hard you try to accomodate them- not because they’re bad people but just because things don’t work out timing wise.

    When we picked our date we sat down and decided who HAS to be there. As in ‘if so and so is not there, we’re not getting married, we’ll pick another date if they can’t make it.” and the list pretty much came down to my parents, his parents and our siblings. 

    If you feel 100% sure that you can’t get married without your friend being there, pick a different date. If it’s not a complete deal breaker, stick with your date. You can’t plan your entire life around one other person’s schedule.

    Post # 6
    13249 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    No, I don’t think you’re a bad friend, and I think it’s annoying to try to convince someone to change their wedding date to say that they know for a fact they can’t come to a wedding in a years time.  If she did it politely or quietly, that would be one thing, but adamantly saying there’s no way…ehhh.

    FWIW, my best friend is abroad doing the Fulbright (yay for her!) and she’s about 90% sure she won’t make it.  She stepped down from the bridal party and said she’d do her best to come, but she isn’t sure if she can make it.  I told her I’m sad she can’t make it, but the wedding is going on as planned…

    Post # 8
    328 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Don’t feel bad. You can’t accommodate everyone. Obviously it would be wonderful if you could have a date where she would be able to make it, but seeing as her availability is so limited, I would not feel bad that it didn’t work out.


    Post # 9
    273 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    This is YOUR wedding not her wedding!

    My close friend (originally my MOH) can’t come to my wedding and we’re both ok with that and she understands.

    Post # 10
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think you’re fine. Life sucks sometimes but you really can’t accomodate everyone. I’d just explain to her exactly what you just said (with summer 2013 too soon and summer 2014 too late). And say if she can’t make it you’ll be bummed but totally understand. Maybe put together some of the shots from your pro photog and send them to her after the wedding? And say how much you missed her?

    Post # 11
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I think it;s unfortunate that she won’t be able to make it, but I also think she is a bit unreasonable if she is upset with you over this. When you make the decision to be out of the country for extended periods of time, you also make the decision that you will not be there for every big moment of important people in your life. As PPs said, you can’t plan your wedding around one person, and it sounds like you considered times that would work for her and they just don’t work for you. It’s not as though you are maliciously deciding to have the wedding at a time you knew she couldn’t come!

    Post # 12
    1292 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I have learned, the hard way, that you cannot schedule your wedding around other people!!!

    I actually changed my date, the venue…the STATE I am getting married in (note: I didn’t pay any deposits but was about to) because some key people couldn’t come. I thought the people were more important (and they are, to an extent..but….as the wedding gets closer these people seem to honestly care less that I’m getting married!) Honestly, looking back, I should’ve just stuck with what I wanted and I kind of resent that I didn’t.

    Anyway; take it from me — STICK WITH YOUR DATE! You’re not being rude or mean or any of those things. Believe me — you can’t please everyone.

    Good luck and I bet your fall wedding will be beautiful 🙂

    Post # 13
    162 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Don’t change your date!  I changed my date to accommodate my Maid/Matron of Honor because her relative was getting married the same weekend, then her family member changed the date after I renegotiated with the venue.  The new date was a lot more expensive with minimums etc. My mom is so upset that we moved our date and I am hoping there’s no drama if the weather on that date is nice and then the one I have now isn’t.  I wish I never changed it.

    Post # 14
    1652 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    No way! If she’s so unavailable you can’t wait forever. Good luck x

    Post # 15
    3175 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Someone who wants to be there will do anything to be there (it may fail, but they’ll do their best). I’m surprised she’s saying “no way” when it’s so far away…I would be kind of hurt, personally. My Darling Husband & I just spent the equivalent of international tickets to attend a close friend’s wedding, even though we had to make numerous sacrifices to make it work. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. If I *really* couldn’t make it, at the end of the day, I’d hope she’d understand, but to not even try, or wait until it gets closer to see if it’s possible?…

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