Post # 1
One of my best friends is going to be out of the country for a LOT of the next couple years due to school. When I first got engaged we discussed this, and it seemed the only time that she’d be able to come to the wedding was either early summer 2013 or spring/summer 2014.
I really want to get married in the fall for weather reasons, and summer 2013 is way too soon anyway (not enough time to plan, venues all booked). 2014 is too far away for us– my Fiance and his family thought I was insane for even suggesting it. So, we have a tentative date of 10/5/13. We aren’t locked in with our venue yet but pretty close.
Initially she had mentioned that she might be able to come back for the wedding if it was during one of her trips, since she’ll be gone for like 8 months and was thinking of making a trip back at some point anyway. So I was thinking that she still might be able to come.
Well, I just talked to her and she was pretty adamant that NO, if our wedding is next October there’s absolutely no way she can come. I feel really guilty and I’m sad she won’t be able to make it. It was a pretty awkward moment in the conversation.
For some context, we’ve drifted apart a little in the last couple years due to lifestyle and geographic reasons. We don’t have as much in common anymore as we used to. I consider her one of my best friends but to be honest, when I imagine the people who I HAVE to have at my wedding . . . she isn’t one of them. But I think this is a huge disappointment for her.
What do you think? Am I a horrible person? Should we scrap all our plans and plan a 2014 wedding? I don’t think that’s going to happen but I’m not sure how to feel about this.
Post # 3
To be honest, I don’t think anyone is completely right or wrong in this situation. She’s probably very hurt that she told you her plans and when she wouldn’t be able to make it, and you’re going ahead and booking the wedding in for that time anyway, but you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for a friend that you’re saying you’re not that close to.
Post # 4
No way! Keep your date and don’t worry about her. It doesn’t seem like you are close enough with her to revolve your wedding date around her schedule.
Post # 5
There are always going to be important people in your life who won’t be able to make it to your various events no matter how hard you try to accomodate them- not because they’re bad people but just because things don’t work out timing wise.
When we picked our date we sat down and decided who HAS to be there. As in ‘if so and so is not there, we’re not getting married, we’ll pick another date if they can’t make it.” and the list pretty much came down to my parents, his parents and our siblings.
If you feel 100% sure that you can’t get married without your friend being there, pick a different date. If it’s not a complete deal breaker, stick with your date. You can’t plan your entire life around one other person’s schedule.
Post # 6
No, I don’t think you’re a bad friend, and I think it’s annoying to try to convince someone to change their wedding date to say that they know for a fact they can’t come to a wedding in a years time. If she did it politely or quietly, that would be one thing, but adamantly saying there’s no way…ehhh.
FWIW, my best friend is abroad doing the Fulbright (yay for her!) and she’s about 90% sure she won’t make it. She stepped down from the bridal party and said she’d do her best to come, but she isn’t sure if she can make it. I told her I’m sad she can’t make it, but the wedding is going on as planned…
Post # 7
Thanks, everyone, it’s helpful to hear others’ opinions on this. I feel yucky about this but I think it’s just the way it’s going to be.
Post # 8
Don’t feel bad. You can’t accommodate everyone. Obviously it would be wonderful if you could have a date where she would be able to make it, but seeing as her availability is so limited, I would not feel bad that it didn’t work out.
Post # 9
This is YOUR wedding not her wedding!
My close friend (originally my MOH) can’t come to my wedding and we’re both ok with that and she understands.
Post # 10
I think you’re fine. Life sucks sometimes but you really can’t accomodate everyone. I’d just explain to her exactly what you just said (with summer 2013 too soon and summer 2014 too late). And say if she can’t make it you’ll be bummed but totally understand. Maybe put together some of the shots from your pro photog and send them to her after the wedding? And say how much you missed her?
Post # 11
I think it;s unfortunate that she won’t be able to make it, but I also think she is a bit unreasonable if she is upset with you over this. When you make the decision to be out of the country for extended periods of time, you also make the decision that you will not be there for every big moment of important people in your life. As PPs said, you can’t plan your wedding around one person, and it sounds like you considered times that would work for her and they just don’t work for you. It’s not as though you are maliciously deciding to have the wedding at a time you knew she couldn’t come!
Post # 12
I have learned, the hard way, that you cannot schedule your wedding around other people!!!
I actually changed my date, the venue…the STATE I am getting married in (note: I didn’t pay any deposits but was about to) because some key people couldn’t come. I thought the people were more important (and they are, to an extent..but….as the wedding gets closer these people seem to honestly care less that I’m getting married!) Honestly, looking back, I should’ve just stuck with what I wanted and I kind of resent that I didn’t.
Anyway; take it from me — STICK WITH YOUR DATE! You’re not being rude or mean or any of those things. Believe me — you can’t please everyone.
Good luck and I bet your fall wedding will be beautiful 🙂
Post # 13
Don’t change your date! I changed my date to accommodate my Maid/Matron of Honor because her relative was getting married the same weekend, then her family member changed the date after I renegotiated with the venue. The new date was a lot more expensive with minimums etc. My mom is so upset that we moved our date and I am hoping there’s no drama if the weather on that date is nice and then the one I have now isn’t. I wish I never changed it.
Post # 14
No way! If she’s so unavailable you can’t wait forever. Good luck x
Post # 15
Someone who wants to be there will do anything to be there (it may fail, but they’ll do their best). I’m surprised she’s saying “no way” when it’s so far away…I would be kind of hurt, personally. My Darling Husband & I just spent the equivalent of international tickets to attend a close friend’s wedding, even though we had to make numerous sacrifices to make it work. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. If I *really* couldn’t make it, at the end of the day, I’d hope she’d understand, but to not even try, or wait until it gets closer to see if it’s possible?…
Post # 16
It’s really helpful to hear this all, thank you guys. I wasn’t sure if it was just me and maybe I was crazy for wanting to keep my date.
I do have a feeling that in the end she might come, especially since she would need to travel cross country anyway. But hopefully it will be her choice either way. My biggest concern is that it will affect our friendship.