(Closed) Best friend in abusive relationship

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think right now the best things is to just try and keep things between the two of you as stable as possible. She’s in a completely unstable relationship and I think confronting her about her relationship or kicking her out of the wedding would devastate her. 

Post # 5
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Unless you think her relationship will interfere with the wedding running smoothly, I’d say removing her from the wedding party would cause more pain and drama for both of you than you should probably have to deal with right now.  Have you already been to do dress fitting or has she had to purchase any wedding related items, so far?  If so, then it’d probably fall onto you to recompensate her for any such things, or find a “replacement” bridesmaid to cover the cost.

As for her no-show on the birthday and lessening phone calls – these are typical of abusive relationships, where the abuser often isolates the abusee and keeps them from being exposed to any viewpoints that might make the abusee leave the relationship for good.  Your friend knows you do not like her relationship, so of course she hides it from you… I’m not excusing, but my fatehr was abusive, and taught me to lie and hie things from those evil CPS people my whole life for the dubious priveledge of not being taken away from my parents… and my mother went along with it.  There is a mentatlity for those who have been abused that other people can’t understand… as staying in that situation really is crazy, but the devil you know always seems less scary then the devil you don’t… I know because I’ve been there – it’s like the Stockholm Syndrome, but apply it to people who are supposed to care for you.

If you want to avoid drama and possible sabotage of your wedding (don’t know the extremes without knowing the people), I’d keep her in, but maybe let her know things like costs, schedules and times for fittings, rehersals and the like and give her a chance now to back out now on her own if she foresees any more “car trouble”.

Post # 6
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t know about this one.  If you don’t think that your friendship is what it once was, and that there isn’t any hope of it ever being the kind of frienship you want in your life, it may make sense to talk to her about her role in the wedding and let her know that becuase she has recently been flaky for calling and showing up for things, that you don’t want her to feel obligated to be in your wedding and then back out or no-show the day of and hurt you anymore than you already are.

It’s terrible for her to be in an abusive relationship, but at the end of the day, you have to make the best decision for you and do what will ultimately make you happy. 

Post # 7
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry you are going through this.

I don’t know much about what is best to do here, but I do remember Carolyn Hax recommending “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker for circumstances like this. I haven’t read the book myself, but she recommends it a lot, so it could be helpful.

Post # 8
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

*You might want to think about not inviting her Boyfriend or Best Friend to the wedding, FYI.

I can almost guarantee she will eventually come around and start talking to you again, most likely when she needs a shoulder to cry on. If I were you, when that time comes I would make it clear that you are still friends but no longer will talk to her about relationship problems if she refuses to follow your advice. YOu can’t let the friendship become one sided, if she actually cared about you she wouldn’t give you the silent treatment like this and block you from photos. And she would be selfless enough to be there for you as a bridesmaid and friend during such an important time in your life. So all of those reasons combined result in her not deserving to use you like she has been.

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