(Closed) My best friend is dating an abuser – advice please.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think your best bet is to kindly offer support and keep your distance.   My sister is with someone who is verbally abusive, and no matter what we say or do, she will make her own choices.   I would avoid saying too much or you will put a wedge between you two.

I think that she probably knows deep down that she will eventually leave, but she needs to be ready for it.

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Honestly in this situation, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Expressing your feelings is going to push her away, and make her not want to confide in you if something else happens. It sounds like a good start if they are both in counseling, so I think maybe you need to take a step back and see if this helps. I am in no way sticking up for him, but I used to be pretty hot when I got angry, and have done some really terrible things because of it. It doesn’t make it ok, but if he is willing to go to counseling to fix it, then I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and support them. If it doesn’t work though, then you have full reign to say and do whatever you want, IMO

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

While it is frustrating, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it until she is ready to get out for good. Anything you do until then is just going to drive a wedge between you more and more. Tell her that you are forced to keep your distance because you are unable to support her relationship, and you hope that if she is ever in a situation when she needs you, know that you will always be there

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ll tell you my story. I was best friends with a girl for 8 years, we were as close as you and this girl are. She started dating this guy who has cheated on her I don’t know how many times, and he doesn’t exactly try to hide it. Anyway, one day I just got tired of it, and when he was away for the weekend, I told her. Everything – the girls names, dates, where he was when it happened. And you know what happened? She asked him, he said no, and she stayed with him, even though our guy friends all knew too and weren’t very secretive about it. She is still with the guy, has a kid now with him, and I am sure he is still cheating on her. I don’t think that anything less than catching him in bed with someone will change that, and even that might not do it. Its really sad, cuz she was always very independent, and he has taken that away from her, but she always acts like everything is fucking rosy, which we all know it isn’t (we are good friends with her dad still, so I hear a lot of what goes on). It ruined our friendship, and now i can only sit back and watch and feel sorry for that kid

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Unfortunately, he knows he has a hold on her, and until she is strong enough to break it, he can pretty much do whatever he wants to her. As much as it hurt, distancing myself was the best thing I could do. I don’t need that kind of drama and ridiculousness in my life, and I’m better for it. I consider it a learning experience, and I will always have memories of when things were different…

Post # 10
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Maybe call a hotline in your area and ask them? They might have groups for friends/family of abusers that you could join to learn how best to handle this situation.

My boyfriend’s mother was physically abused by her (ex)husband. She only left him after he hit one of the kids once (my boyfriend’s sister, I think, not him. He was older and remembers the abuse, his sibs don’t really seem to). Sometimes you need some “omg” trigger to go. It’s hard for them to leave, and if they feel they have no friends (alienated by staying with the abuser), then it makes it even harder on them. I think you just have to let her know that you are worried about her, but *no matter what* you will be there for her anytime. Don’t let her push you away, don’t let him come between the two of you. Don’t lecture her on him.

ETA: Here’s a site: http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/prevent/how.cfm I think this statement really sums it “Keep in mind that you can’t “rescue” your friend. She has to be the one to decide it’s time to get help. Support her no matter what her decision.”

Post # 12
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s really difficult to deal with situations like this because you are obviously able to be more objective about this guy than your friend is.

The problem is that criticizing this guy will put your friend on the defensive.  You don’t ever want to pur her in a position where she’s defending him.  That will drive a wedge between the two of you and sort of put them on the same “team”, if you will.  She won’t necessarily see criticism of this guy as what it is: you criticizing his bad behavior.  She might see it as you criticizing her, her choices or her ability to attract a decent man.

What you can do is demonstrate to her that things can be better.  Keep her close. Watch out for her safety.  Enlist in the help of family and friends in creating a supportive, happy alternative to spending time with the guy who abuses her and no doubt stresses her out.  And see if there is any kind of support program in your area for friends of abuse victims.

The topic ‘My best friend is dating an abuser – advice please.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors