Post # 16
thunderboltsandlightening : You dont HAVE to be happy about anything. Your feelings are YOUR feelings, and no one elses. But what good does it to talking to your friend about these feelings? Its not like she is going to change her mind about the baby to stay your drinking buddy. Just like you want people to respect your decision to be CFBC, respect hers of wanting children.
If you are her friend, you should be excited about the things that make HER happy. As a PP said, some people change with a baby, and some do not. I would wait until you even know if things will be different. After my bestfriend had a baby, I expected never to see her, but now her and her Darling Husband trade off a weekend once a month to go out with friends, and her parents also watch the baby once a month. We spend great quality time together!
Post # 17
I’m gonna be honest, I could only get through half of your post.
You sound so incredibly selfish and self absorbed here in the way you’ve phrased this. Like, you’re upset because you won’t have a drinking buddy? And because your friend might get more attention than you at parties? It honestly sounds like your friend has been maturing the past few years and you’re stuck in the past of the relationship you guys used to have. She’s growing up and wants different things out of life and has different priorities. It seems your priorities are very different. Its strange, its like you don’t even see your friend as a real person in the way you are talking. Its more like she’s just a prop in your life.
I think if this is truly how you feel about her you would both be better off not continuing this friendship.
Post # 18
hopefulmothertobee : Where did she say that she was going to tell her friend? She indicated that she knew she couldn’t.
Post # 19
All of my friends naturally just stopped inviting me to anything, but I was okay with it. I don’t know how they felt about me being pregnant and now having a baby other than pretty much none of them want kids right now.
I would have to say, if I knew these were the feelings of my best friend, I’d be pretty sad that she is more upset that I’ll no longer be able to do activities we once did. As we all get older you have to adapt to new life stages such as marriage, pregnancy, children, etc. You can maybe mourn this for a little bit but you’re going to have to let it go. She is still your friend, but your friendship will change. It will be heartbreaking to her if you just disappear on her. I know I am. My best friend and I barely speak anymore since I had a baby and she hasn’t visited me or anything. Her and her husband have both said things about how happy they are that they don’t have kids, in front of me, and it really hurt. Just be careful with what you do and say.
Post # 20
I think it’s okay to take some time to adjust to a change you weren’t quite ready for, so don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel. I don’t think it’s mean or rude or particularly selfish. Anytime someone close to us has a big change, it’s natural to think about how it will affect us.
However, I do think you have to “fake it” for now, until you’ve gotten through the adjustment and truly feel excitement (which I think you will, eventually). You don’t have to go overboard, of course, but smile and show you’re happy for her – even if you’re not crazy about the idea, you are probably happy that your friend is happy, so focus on that.
Finally, yes, things will change. But if I were you, I’d try to focus on the present and not grieve things you haven’t lost yet. You might find you enjoy your friendship just as much post-baby, even if it’s in different ways – if not, then you can mourn the friendship then; no use in doing it ahead of time.
Post # 21
Umm, welcome to adulthood.
Post # 22
I don’t think it’s selfish to worry about losing a special bond with your beloved friend. I am pregnant and I think my own bestie is probably having some of the same feelings. She is unsure whether she’d like to have her own kids and although she is thrilled for me, I know she is feeling a sense of loss too. Things have changed already and my kiddo isn’t even here yet! Our usual trips are off the table for a while, as are our boozy long dinners, and her being my date for the work Xmas party is not happening this year (my husband finds it boring so I like to bring her as my date!) because it’s right around my due date. We’ve been best friends since middle school and it’s hard and sad to lose your partner in crime, even if you are happy for them.
However, the way I see it is, we’ve been friends for two decades and the friendship has survived all sorts of things – it’ll survive this too. My friendships are important to me and I am willing to do the work to make sure we will adjust. She’ll have to come spend time with me at home for a while rather than going out together like in the past, and I’ll probably have to bring baby along to everything we do for a while. But kids grow up – it won’t be forever.
Post # 23
True friendship is what you can do for HER not what she can do for you.
Sure your friendship will change but it will be because of YOU and how you are responding to your friend’s major life event and joy. It COULD change but it won’t be her fault.
It will change because you can’t be flexible and understanding of your friend. You wont support her sincerely when she takes care of her health or the baby’s health. You’ll stop calling her and inviting her or seeing how she’s doing because well— she’s just not fun anymore in your eyes. Sadly you’ll blame her pregnancy then you’ll blame the fact she has a baby. Instead of seeing what YOU could do to make things easier for her, more comfortable or how you can change plans to make things fun yet doable for her.
Shes going to have good and caring people in her life, I bet, who will make her happiness their happiness ….so yes she will gravitate away from those who want to get drunk, act immature, and “uninhibited”. Away from those who will make her feel guilty OR bad that she just doesn’t want to do that anymore.
My best advice is to either change your attitude and throw her a knockout shower, take her crib shopping, take her out to lunch, and bring her some dinners when she gives birth.
It is really admirable of you that you only express your fears and feelings about this to your husband and not behind her back to your mutual friends. That shows you really do care about her.
Just remember if Things start to change ask yourself what are YOU not doing for your part of the friendship instead of what she is not giving you.
Post # 24
thunderboltsandlightening : When my BFF told me she was pregnant, I was happy for her but sad for me. I understand how you feel because you realise your friendship will be very different from now on, so it’s ok to mourn that loss, just like you would if she were moving across the world. I don’t think you’re being selfish – it’s not like you’re telling her to wait to be pregnant until you’re ready or something!
She is embarking on a different path in life and you will automatically have less in common. Carefree, girlfriend times spent together will be replaced with brief coffee dates with a screaming baby, missed holidays together, unanswered texts/phone calls. Can I just say that your friendship will never be the same and at times you may feel like you’re not really friends anymore and that she’s left you behind. I felt really sad for a time after my BFFs baby was born, but now that her child is in school, I see her much more and we’ve resumed our lovely dinners and boozy nights out, just much less frequently! Plus I love her son to bits and spending time with him is really special, much more than I would have thought in the early days! Our friendship is different now, but so much better!
Post # 25
How old are you? A lot of this – not drinking all night, staying up all hours for karaoke, etc. sounds a lot like just growing up regardless of being pregnant or not. The whole you wanting the spotlight to be on you at someone else’s party is pretty gross too.
Post # 26
I just wanted to add– have you ever changed and slowly dropped friends because they were single and you were married? Or you were busy with a job or college and your friends were not involved in those things? Have you ever had a life change and lost friends slowly because they did not want to relate to you anymore? You just weren’t fun anymore because you are married and they aren’t? You can’t pick up and go to Cabo whenever you want but they can? You can’t flirt at bars and talk to guys like your friends can so they slowly didn’t see much of you anymore?
From the friends with a different life situation than you AND Stuck by you and were flexible in your time together…. Learn from them and how they handled your life’s changes.
Post # 27
hopefulmothertobee : Everything you said is so true, thank you. I do admit, it’s just fear out of what MAY happen. Maybe she won’t change at all personality wise and we can still be best friends. And once her child is older, she may want to resume the lifestyle we had. I just need to see how it all goes, I’m just jumping to conclusions because I’m scared lol
slomotion : is there anything wrong with having different priorities though? Just because she wants to have children doesn’t make her more of an adult than I am. “She’s growing up” because she wants kids, so I’m not? Just because I like to party and don’t want to have children yet (maybe never) doesn’t make me less than her. And her wanting to have children doesn’t make her less than me. We’re just going down different paths and it sucks.
mrscross1020 : I’m sorry that what your best friend and her Darling Husband said hurt you. I hope I never slip and say anything like that to her or anyone else I may know that have children, but she does know my feelings on why I don’t want kids now/maybe ever. But I realize there’s no need to reiterate that, especially in a malicious manner. I’m also curious about something else you said too. You said she never came to visit after the baby. Recently, one of our other friends had a baby, but I didn’t feel this way because we fell out of touch in college. We just grew apart, but we’re still friendly. I went to her shower and everything. But, did you invite her to come visit you, or were you hoping she asked to come see you? I only ask because I never know how to go about this. With my acquaintance, I figured she would be dealing with a lot and I waited for her to invite me to come see the baby. Do you think I would be further ahead asking my best friend if I can come visit, or will she invite me when she’s ready? I’m never sure how to handle these things lol
Post # 28
thunderboltsandlightening : I’ve been on the other side of this and it sucks. When I got pregnant, I had a couple of friends who clearly felt as you do. They didn’t say so out loud, but it was obvious from their faces, their glances, their body language, their comments etc. It sucks because there’s absolutely nothing your friend can do. She can’t drink alcohol, she can’t eat a bunch of stuff, she’ll be feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, sick… and the last thing she’ll feel like doing is stay out late partying. When I was pregnant it was all I could do to go to work, work a usual day and then get home, eat dinner and have an early night. When I did go out, I stayed for a couple of non-alcoholic drinks and then just could not wait to get to bed. It’s physical… you can’t overcome it because it’s your body putting your baby first. And as a mom-to-be you also have to (and want to) put your baby first. If a friend makes you feel bad about that then it’s just horrible, because it’s a happy time in your life and you feel like you’re being alienated for something you can’t help. Some of my friends don’t have kids and the ones who have stayed in my life are the ones who didn’t even bother to invite me out to loud cocktail parties, or who invited me to the beginning part with an understanding ”I know you’ll have to leave early but it’d be lovely to see you for a cup of decaf coffee before you have to hit the sheets”. The only thing your friend can do, and I could do, was try not to talk about the baby too much and about my pregnancy too much. But even if I didn’t talk about it, my huge belly was pretty obvious.
Since my baby was born it’s been the same thing with some friends. They don’t understand that I can’t be spontaneous, that I can’t just ”go out on Friday night” with little notice, that even if I do go out on Friday night I might have to rush back home because the baby is screaming for his mom… Again, the childfree friends that have stayed in my life are the ones who have said ”Hey, lets meet for afternoon tea at the weekend.. is your Darling Husband able to babysit at that time?” and who haven’t made me feel bad for not being able to go out at night.
If you want to stay friends with her you have to find new ways to have fun. People’s lives have chapters and people change, things change.. you can’t expect her to freeze in the past just so that you can continue to have fun your way. It’s just selfish. Either you fully embrace this new reality or you don’t.. it’s really up to you. There’s nothing she can do.
Post # 29
LadyBear : thanks! I do think I’m jumping to conclusions a bit early, and I’m glad I came here to express that instead of letting it having an effect on me IRL. You’re absolutely right. It may not be as big of a change as I’m anticipating. Or if it is, it may go back to somewhat normal after a little while.
pickles325 : I’ve been an adult for more than 10 years, but thanks 😉
nightborn : true, we’ve been best friends since we were 14, so I think we can get through this, it may just take some adjusting
Post # 30
I apologize if my first comment was harsh and I don’t mean to imply you are less than her, you aren’t. Just her priorities are changing and yours are not. Nothing can be done to stop that really, you’re just going to be interested in much different things going forward in life. There isn’t anything wrong with you not wanting to have kids, just like there isn’t anything wrong with her wanting to have kids.
The only think I think is wrong is only thinking about how this effects you. Yes, I totally get being worried about what this means for your own life. I get that and do agree you are entitled to your worries. But I think you should also consider your friends feelings too and how her life might be changing and try to be sympathetic to that instead of solely focusing on your own upset that you can no longer do the things you are used to.
What if something happens and her baby is born sick or disabled or prematurely? Would you be able to put aside your own feelings and stick by her side? Would you spend the weekend sitting in the hospital with her instead of drinking and partying? You don’t have to answer but I just want you to think about this further than just “she’s pregnant and now we can’t do what we used to do”. Are you willing to go on this journey with her and support her as a bestfriend should if the worst were to happen? These are things you should think about and consider because your frienship could change much more drastically than just not being able to party together anymore.
I guess my point is really to just be a little more sensitive to how scary it can be for your friend to be having her first child. I think if you can find that sensitivity some of these other things that are a bit silly may not be as big of a deal to you as they are right now going forward and a little symapthy for how her life is changing too might really help you to be able to relate to one another.