Best friend last straw- really need some support here

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

Caryatid :  I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Actions speak louder than words, and she’s had ample time to plan for this event. She decided she could go to NO and unless the boyfriend paid for the entire trip, she DECIDED to spend money to do that.

Leaving aside her passing off the bachelorette party duties without telling you – which would have hurt my feelings a lot – once you offered to cover her lodgings and she STILL says no, it makes me wonder if she has some other motive than money for refusing to come. 

Is it possible she feels out of place with your other friends? Does she know anyone who’ll be there apart from you? Could she be anxious about delivering a speech in front of people? Is she anti wedding because of her recent divorce?

I’d dig a little deeper. I’d just tell her something like, “Hey, I understand money is tight. It is super important to have you with me on this day, which is why I offered to pay for a hotel. I’m just starting to wonder if there’s some other reason you are reluctant to come?”

If she really is your closest friend, she should be willing to admit what is going on. From what you’re saying money feels like the excuse, not the actual reason.

Sorry this is going on. It’s a crappy time to have your bestie drift away. (((hugs)))

 

Post # 3
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

You should fly her out. I agree it’s pretty shitty that she didn’t plan better, but if having her by your side is important just think of the cost of her flight ($500 or less) as another wedding expense. If it’s what you want, make it happen. Deal with the drama of her being a bad friend after the wedding, and I’m sure by that point she will realize it. Ten years from now you won’t feel that $ loss. Ten years from now you will remember sharing this life moment with one of the people you care about the most. 

Post # 4
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Caryatid :  I guess maybe she’s not being a good friend, but it sounds like you started the not being a good friend by asking her to throw you a party. You don’t ask someone to throw you a party. To me, that’s not being a good friend. If I am able to throw you a party, I’ll offer. If I don’t offer, that means I’m sorry but it would be too much of a hardship. You asking puts me in a very awkward uncomfortable position, which good friends don’t do to each other. 

Post # 5
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Caryatid :  I totally get it. 

However, a 10 drive would be out for me. But if my best friend was getting married, I would have spent money on flying to her wedding instead of a vacation to New Orleans. I put emphasis on best friend because it sounds like she sees your friendship different than you. Maybe her life circumstances have taken her down a different path. In some ways it sounds like she doesn’t want to be there…

As far as wedding stuff let people volunteer for the things they want to do. This helps prevent hurt feelings. 

I’m sorry about the loss of your father. I hope you can enjoy your day with the guests who can make it.

 

Post # 6
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

Everyone has priorites in life. Obviously your wedding isn’t a priority for her. It sucks, but it is what it is. Also, asking someone to throw you a party and make a speech is kind of crappy. Those are things people offer, you don’t ask.

Post # 7
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

Caryatid :  I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. My best friend was getting married while I was unemployed. She originially planned to get married while on a cruise and I said off the bat that I’d be going alone and looking for someone to bunk with because we wouldn’t be able to afford going as a couple. But that was the only option. Not going was never an option because she’s my best friend. 

She’s known you were getting married and she’d have to fly out for it but prioritized going on vacation with her new beau. That sucks and you have every right to be pissed. Unfortunately, I think weddings can often show you what kind of people you’re dealing with and she may have shown her true colors here. 

Post # 8
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Before this kicks off a trend on this thread, asking her to plan your bachelorette party and give a speech is NOT crappy. It all depends on how you asked. If you said to her, “Hey, here is a list of my demands, please execute all of these to my absolute specifications and foot the entire bill” then I’d be understanding why your friend passed. But if you approached it more as, “Hey, I’m not having a bridal party, but would you be willing to help organize my bachelorette party?” then I don’t see the big deal. Once you forego the traditional bridal party, there is a grey area for if you are partaking in all other traditional aspects. 

Also, asking someone to give a speech? Not crappy. This is also something that people aren’t going to ask or impose upon the bride and groom. Imagine a bride coming on here saying that her best friend asked to give a speech, but she didn’t want her to. The whole thread would probably tell the bride to decline. It’s not something people will ask the bride and groom for. 

And even *IF* those were “crappy” things to do, does it really give someone an excuse not to attend your wedding over something so trivial?

OP, I’m sorry that your friend isn’t putting a lot of importance on your wedding. Do you have the funds to pay for her flight AND hotel? If so, I would offer that to her as well. If she still declines, then it seems it is less about the financial aspects and more about something else going on in her life. I also agree with you. As much as it sucks, if I were her and my best friend was getting married, I’d move mountains to attend. I’d do whatever I needed to to get myself there. If this is truly your best friend, I’d ask her about what is going on. 

Post # 9
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that if she is your best friend, then I would wonder if something else might be going on. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the person that knows you best to make a speech or organize a bachelorette, either…. so long as you aren’t being a bridezilla about what the specific requirments are. This certainly doesn’t seem to be the case here… and it’s not like you are having a wedding party and these things can be shared amongst the 8 bridesmaids you are having!

I would wonder (sheer speculation on my part, so I could be totally wrong)…. but I am betting her ‘meh’ attitude is probably more related to her own life and issues right now. If she has reconnected with an old flame, who she never got over…. then I am bettin her focus is on her own happiness right now and after having gone through a nasty divorce…. she is probably being a little more selfish than she would if your wedding was at a different time. Please don’t think that I am justifying this behavior at all…. but I know that planning wedding events for someone else when your own marriage has ended is likely not easy. She is likely more focused on enjoying her new relationship, particularly if she never got over this high school flame. 

I’m sorry bee, and this really sucks… but I also don’t think that this is personal. I think it’s likely more a reflection of her life at this time. I bet she will regret this later.

 

Post # 10
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think actions speak louder than words and she’s showing you this is not a priority. If she is that close to you, you should call her up and tell her all of this. See how she responds. 

I wouldn’t pay her way unless you get the sense there’s actually a serious hardship (because that could lead to resentment if she continues to suck as a friend).My sense is she still wouldn’t come. And definitely don’t pay his way. If you’re that important to her, she’d fly out solo. 

Post # 11
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Caryatid :  since she has just gotten divorced she may be bitter when it comes to anything matrimony related.  Maybe she doesnt wanna hear the vows that will remind her that her marriage and vows failed… 

Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Also maybe she is offended that you didnt ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor… yet wanted her to plan the bachelorette and give a speech

Post # 13
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

No, it’s pretty much always crappy to ask someone to organize a party in your honor, unless you are five and asking your parents for a unicorn birthday party or something.

Post # 14
Member
665 posts
Busy bee

Caryatid :  do you think going to a wedding of a happy couple is just too much for her to handle? Do you think she would view it as spending 1k on a plane ticket to suffer? I needed to call off my last wedding and was heartbroken and had to explain to the bride one of my best friends that it would be meltdown central if I attended. She didn’t want me upset the whole time so I just sent an extremely generous gift.

separately- a speech and a shower and a bach party are not something you ask someone to do. If they feel compelled to do that for you they do if. “Get up in front of everyone at my reception and say sentimental nice things about me” you cannot Ask someone or expect that of someone

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