Post # 1
I am having a real struggle here trying to forgive my friend for telling me she isn’t able to attend my wedding. A little background:
We have been friend for 25 years, she is my best friend, we have been through so many obstacles together and have had many great times as well. She has always been my person. When I was engaged I obviously asked her to stand up with me and she said yes. Then my FH and I booked our venue/date and let everyone know. She then informed me she won’t be able to attend because she has a family cottage that weekend. I told her the date in December and the wedding is in August. She thought about alternatives for about 12 hours (no joke) and message a confirmed No. I didn’t get a phone call or a face to face; this was all through text.
It has been over 4 months now and I am still not able to forgive her for missing the most important day in my life for a cottage weekend. How would you react and deal with this hurt? I am just in such shock, still, that my best friend of 25 years is choosing a cottage weekend over my wedding day.
Clarification: I did ask all bridal party members their available dates and she said she was available that date. When I told she let me know she had forgotten about the cottage weekend.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME
wanderlust15 : Honestly if you wanted your VIPs to be there, you should have asked her when she was available before booking your date.
I do understand though, and it really hurts more than you think it would when loved ones can’t make it. I’ve strugged a lot with it, the rational side of me knows you can’t dictate how people spend their money or time, but that emotional side still feels the sting. I’m sorry bee 🙁
Post # 3
katherine, I should have added I asked everyone if the dates we were thinking of would work. At the time (which was a week before we booked) she was available that date. She said she forgot about the cottage because it was so far away. Otherwise I wouldn’t have chosen that date.
Post # 4
It’s understandable for you to be upset your friend can’t sharw your day with you but at the same time you should really ask the people closest to you, those you really couldn’t picture the day without, if they are free before booking date.
She has plans over the weekend, have you even stopped to ask her about what she has going on that makes it important?
Did you literally just stop talking to her over this?
Post # 5
No way! That is not cool. She has 8 months notice and we’re not talking about a funeral or a family members wedding. She can literally go to the cottage any other weekend. Or not at all.
I’d be angry! I’m sorry bee. Are you sure there’s not something else behind this decision?
Post # 6
wanderlust15 : THat’s pretty shitty, she agreed to be in the bridal party and said those dates worked, then booked a trip for the same dates but didn’t bother telling you until you booked your venue and told her??
Post # 7
If you cleared the date with her before, it’s a pretty craptastic way for her to treat a friend. But the hard truth is no one is as excited about your wedding as you are – not even close, for the vast majority.
Post # 8
I promise you, if you allow yourself to forgive, you can get past this. Two of my best friends in the world didn’t make it to my wedding. While their reasons may have caused a few eyebrows to raise, it is what it is. In the end, I recognized that the friendship was worth salvaging. And to this day, 10 years later, they are still my best friends!
Post # 9
If it was my best friend, I would cancel the cottage. I hope she comes around and realizes a wedding is once a cottage is anytime.
Post # 10
zzar45 : I did ask her her availability prior to booking. She said she was available and so we booked it. When I let her know she told me she had forgotten about a cottage that they had already booked for that weekend.
No I haven’t stopped talking to her over this, I’m just having a hard time honestly forgiving her and not just playing nice.
Post # 11
wanderlust15 : Did she seem apologetic? I honestly can’t imagine missing one of my friends weddings, especially after I told them I was available on the dates they were considered.
I think you should talk to her about how you’re feeling rather than let these feelings continue to fester and eventually explode..
Post # 12
It sounds like it was an honest mistake on her part. It is weird though that she won’t rearrange it. Is it booked with other people? Maybe that’s why she can’t change it. I personally would forego a cottage trip or whatever to be at my best friend’s wedding. Have you talked to her about it? Told her how you feel? Does she seem sad to miss your wedding at all?
Post # 13
Are you really planning to spend much time with your best friend at your wedding? Won’t you be pretty busy?
While I can understand wanting all of your nearest and dearest with you on your wedding day, most people we ask to attend our weddings are simply providing one more face in the audience. Maybe they’ll join us on the dance floor for a couple of songs. It isn’t any kind of even exchange. Guests give up time and resources to just watch. For many, it’s important enough to be a spectator that they’ll move heavens and earth to get there. For others, it’s not worth giving up time in their own lives. She isn’t doing anything shitty to you. She’s just choosing to be present for her own life on a day when you’ll be completely absorbed in yours.
Post # 14
oh man. :/ Maybe just continue doing everything else as planned, she’ll see what she’s missing out on. Don’t let it ruin or change your wedding day outcome. It’s YOURS and your FIs day.
Post # 15
wanderlust15 : You have every right to be disappointed that she will not be there. At the same time, I can’t imagine throwing away a 25 year friendship over it. Is it also possible that there are other things going on in her life that you aren’t privy to? Financial, marital, family or health issues? Or perhaps she just didn’t feel she could back out on the commitment she made first.