Best Friend not Attending

posted 4 months ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

It is pretty upsetting I agree. But before you go insanly crazy on the why’s and what’s. Find I the details first. Maybe she put down a huge deposit on this cottage and couldn’t get it back, maybe she has a whole bunch of family members coming to enjoy the cottage. Maybe she totallly forgot the date because she was so excited for you and said yes without thinking. She probulary feels awful about it. If all the other bridesmaids said they were free that day and she wasn’t free would you have changed the date of your wedding just so she could be in it? It’s going to hurt but 25 years is a very long time, you really never make friends like like that anymore. Just try and get past it as best as you can. Chin up girl. Your wedding will be special.

Post # 17
Member
879 posts
Busy bee

I think you’ve just found out she is your BFF but you are not hers.  Not just because of the weekend conflict but because of the way she handled communicating it to you.

 

Sorry, bee. 

Post # 18
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

wanderlust15 :  wow I’m so sorry that your best friend of 25 years isn’t attending one of your biggest life moments! It’s not like you didn’t check with her on the date. A cottage weekend isnt a one in a life time deal but your wedding is. It’s basicslly saying the cottage weekend and the people going are more important than the most important moment of your best friend’s life. I would be completely honest with her may be take her out to lunch or something and explain your hurt. I mean you guys have been friends practically your whole lives. If this was a casual newish friend I would get it. A friendship of 25 years is family to me and my best friend and I have been friends for 20 years now and i now live 13 hours away from my home town but I would move mountains and oceans to make sure I was at her wedding (and I did!) Sad to say but while you may not want to end the friendship since you guys have been friends for so long she made it clear you are not nearly as important to her as she is to you.

Post # 19
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

keviah12 :  like you said it is rare to find friendships that last that long so I think it is important to cherish them and do everything in your power to be there. This is a friend of 25 years which makes her family at that point. A wedding of a friend of 25 years should take precedence over a cottage weekend. This isn’t a birthday party.

Post # 20
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

beantime :  even if it was a family members wedding to miss it for a siblings wedding sure but for like some random cousin that you see a few times a year i would be pissed if my best friend of 25 years chose a cousin that she isn’t as close to and sees a few times a year over a bff

Post # 21
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

 

soexcited123 :  Totally agree with you on that.  You should at least try with everything that you have to be there for your bff I know I would. All we know is that this bff couldn’t make it because she had forgot she had made plans to go away that weekend to a cottage. For me personally I would want to know why she can’t change plans, what is so imporant about that weekend that she can’t make my wedding. I would need to know. Than I wouldn’t have to guess and wonder. Would it make the situation better? Maybe, maybe not. But at least I would know where I stand.

Post # 22
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you really sat down with her and honestly told her how hurt you are over this? I think you’ll always wonder if you don’t actually tell her how devastated you are over this and how you really hope she will reconsider as her choice is damaging to your friendship. At least if you openly and kindly tell her how serious it is that she isn’t attending, even if she still doesn’t come you will know you tried everything and told her how hurtful it is. If you don’t tell her you’ll always wish you did. I’m so sorry bee, this situation is heartbreaking and I hope you really get an answer from her on why the cottage weekend would be more important. 

Post # 23
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Friendship is a two way street. If somebody isn’t willing to be supporting me through the best day of my life, I would say that friendship ran it’s course. 

Post # 24
Member
2709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

dgirl715 :  agree 100%. Op feels this woman is her *best* friend but this woman doesn’t feel the same.  She obviously likes OP but doesn’t feel she is her bestie… sorry op.

Post # 25
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

The way she handled this is awful! She messaged you a no! That’s not devestated best friend that did everything in her power to be there on your day. You have every right to be irritated. She chose a cottage weekend nine months in the future over your wedding. That’s enough time to change cottage plans, cancel or even shorten the trip but still make your wedding. She was presented a choice friend of 25 years wedding or cottage weekend and she made her choice. So yes, I would feel like she didn’t view me the same way I viewed her and pull back from the friendship.

Though I do think you should talk to her about it, “I am having a hard time with the fact that you would rather miss my wedding than miss or change a cottage weekend.” 

I get that 25 year friendships are rare, but when people show you how they feel about you believe them. If you had been friends for only a few years everyone would be saying to drop her. And I’m not saying that I’m just saying you may reavaluate the friendship as it seems to be more one sided and put a little distance up. 

Post # 26
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I would be pissed honestly. She said the date was ok and then backed out because she forgot about a cottage rental? I would probably need a little time apart to think about how valulable the friendship is. I have forgiven a friend in the past who did something that really hurt me but I needed time and space to think about it. In the end I decided to salvage the friendship and we are still friends. She also knew she really screwed up and I could tell felt bad about it. 

Post # 27
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

I don’t blame you for being upset – I would be too.  But have you considered the possibility something else may be going on?  Like pp said, there may be financial issues, health or family issues etc that she is not ready to share or perhaps doesn’t want to burden you with in this time in your life.  Just to see things on the other side of the coin:  I am currently going through infertility treament, specifically currently IVF. None of my friends (including best friends) know.  A girlfriend had a destination bachelorette on the other side of the country, and I was not able to commit.  I did not go, and I could not offer her much more than an apology.  Her wedding was local, so I was able to attend.  My husband is a groomsman in a wedding, and has yet to commit to that destination bachelor party for the same reasons.  It would be heartbreaking to lose a friendship – especially as one has longstanding as yours.  Let yourself be disappointed but please give her the benefit of the doubt that if she could be there, she would.  Value the friendship and give her the benefit of the doubt.

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