Post # 1
So I’ll try to make this super long story (as if you couldnt tell from the title) as short as possible.
My best friend and roommate of three years in college and I had a huge falling out the fall after we graduated. She moved to NYC after school and I stayed in Boston. The "fall out" happened slowly and totally unbeknownst to me … she stopped returning phone calls, emails, texts, etc. etc. One weekend I was supposed to visit NYC and see her, a bunch of our roommates and other friends … I had imagined I would stay with her at her apartment but she just never returned calls … I finally went, stayed with another friend, and she avoided me like the plague until we finally saw each other and she absolutely went off on me and told me she didnt want to see me again. I was so hurt and confused, as were all of our other friends. I tried a few times to reach out to her the month or two after that but I finally gave up and just figured I had done something terrible that I just didnt remember. Our other friends tried to talk to her about it and she just said she didnt want to talk about it.
About a year later, as it was still bothering me, I decided to reach out again asking what I had done to deserve the way she treated me. She responded with: "nothing." She said she was going through a really hard time personally (her grandfather was sick, her job was extremely stressful, her new roommate turned out to be a terrible person and she had to move out) and that she did what a lot of people do and took it out on the one person she could. She apologized profusely and said she wished we could forget it. I accepted her apology but really just could never really forgive her. We started to hang out again, but only in a big group, and we would email occasionally, but again mostly in lists of reply-to-all.
This past summer one of our other roommates passed away. It was sudden, tragic, and really tough for all of us. We all got together for the services for about four days and my "best friend" and I spent a lot of time together and really reconnected. It was so wonderful to be with her again (this sounds like an ex boyfriend!) and spend time and just be friends again …
Since then we’ve been in touch a lot more frequently … long emails and plans to try to get together … I hadn’t planned on inviting her to my wedding, but I am now (sent her a STD) and she is so excited to come. But here’s my question: How, if it’s possible, can we get back to normal? I want to, but I’m just not sure how to go about it. We dont talk on the phone … but I’d like to … I’d love to see her at some point prior to the wedding, maybe a weekend visit. But I’m just not sure the best way to go about it. (Wow this really does sound like a boyfriend!) Any/all advice would be great! Thanks hive!
*Oh and the reason I’m thinking about this today is that it’s her birthday! I sent her a quick email and got a quick thanks, but I just remember all the fun birthdays we celebrated together!!*
Post # 3
I think it can be possible to return to a close friendship (though not the one you had before), but you do need to forgive her. I haven’t experienced this personally, but my two best friends from college (we were like an inseparable group of three) had a huge falling out before graduation. They both moved to the same city and it was really challenging to visit b/c I had to make separate plans with each of them (not to mention the long phone conversations with each trying to remain neutral as they explained their side). But after several years they are close again. Probably not the same as before, but they managed to work it out. First by slowly hanging out (mostly in group settings or when I was in town), and then eventually building up to a one-on-one frienship. Two of us were BM’s in the third’s wedding, and they are both involved in my upcoming wedding. I think a bday greeting is a natural place to start. And do you have other friends in NYC? It might be awkward to spend the whole weekend together, but maybe hang out a few times? Can you make it a vacation wiht your FH? Maybe say that he’s busy for part of a day so you guys could hang out together, and then later meet up with him?
Post # 4
I thinks it important to just let thinks take their course naturally not push for a friendship from the past. But instead let it be a new one, a different one. I am sure both of you have changed and have different things to offer. It may work out and it mat not but if you leave past emotions out of it, you are less likely to get hurt.
Post # 5
You mention that since the falling out, you guys have talked, hung out, and reconnected. Yet, this reconnection didn’t ignite the friendship back to its original state of being best friends, talking on the telephone, hanging out and having fun just like old times. That to me indicates that the friendship is either not ready to go there (again), or maybe that the friendship has changed and will never go back to that state.
Are you still hurt by everything that has happened? Do you think you can really trust her to be your friend? Will she flip out on you again if she goes through another rough time? Also, why is it that she didn’t reach out to you first, when you were the one who was continually snubbed and she admits that you didn’t even do anything wrong? These are just questions for you to think about – are you okay with accepting things the way they happened and moving on without resenting her over these things?
Going back to the way things were might not be all that realistic. People change, things change, and it doesn’t make sense for things to be exactly the same all the time anyway. This is not to say you can’t be close again and form a stronger friendship – just try not to expect everything to be exactly the same or you may be disappointed. I would try to test the waters first. How about emailing her to say "Hey we haven’t had a chance to talk lately. What’s a good time for us to get on the phone and catch up on life?" Go from there and see how it goes. If the friendship redevelops, then think about making a trip out to see her. But don’t plan for too much right away. The friendship sounds a bit fragile right now and you don’t want to burden it with so many expectations. If you think of it like a relationship,you would never ask your ex who may or may not still be into you to go away for a weekend with you!
Best of luck. I think that a lot of my close female relationships have been very "relationship-like" too. I’ve had a lot of fights, break-ups, confrontations…oh the drama.
Post # 6
@fizics – I think that’s a really good idea — plan a visit to NYC and have a specific amount of time separated out for her. breakfast, dinner, a drink … but have an "excuse" to leave if it gets uncomfortable. I think she’d be really up for that, too!
@mrsdavis – Very true, if we are going to have something of a future — we definitely need to move on from the past. I am pretty certain that we will be able to do this. I don’t think we’ll ever have what we had before, but something is better then nothing in my mind.
@emilee – all your questions are totally valid and I’ve asked myself them a million times — why was it me that had to reach out? why did she choose me to do this to? Well I have to say I think it’s because I have a very strong character (sorry if that sounds full of myself, I dont mean it to) and I am able to forgive people … and yes, I have forgiven her at this point, it was almost four years ago now and we’ve both grown up a lot. I know she’s in a much better and happier place then she was. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has girlfriends that are like boyfriends! 🙂
Thanks for all the great advice and for just "listening"!