(Closed) best friend … not best friend … friend again … now what?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think it can be possible to return to a close friendship (though not the one you had before), but you do need to forgive her.  I haven’t experienced this personally, but my two best friends from college (we were like an inseparable group of three) had a huge falling out before graduation. They both moved to the same city and it was really challenging to visit b/c I had to make separate plans with each of them (not to mention the long phone conversations with each trying to remain neutral as they explained their side).  But after several years they are close again.  Probably not the same as before, but they managed to work it out.  First by slowly hanging out (mostly in group settings or when I was in town), and then eventually building up to a one-on-one frienship.  Two of us were BM’s in the third’s wedding, and they are both involved in my upcoming wedding. I think a bday greeting is a natural place to start.  And do you have other friends in NYC?  It might be awkward to spend the whole weekend together, but maybe hang out a few times?  Can you make it a vacation wiht your FH?  Maybe say that he’s busy for part of a day so you guys could hang out together, and then later meet up with him?

Post # 4
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I thinks it important to just let thinks take their course naturally not push for a friendship from the past. But instead let it be a new one, a different one. I am sure both of you have changed and have different things to offer. It may work out and it mat not but if you leave past emotions out of it, you are less likely to get hurt.

Post # 5
596 posts
Busy bee

You mention that since the falling out, you guys have talked, hung out, and reconnected.  Yet, this reconnection didn’t ignite the friendship back to its original state of being best friends, talking on the telephone, hanging out and having fun just like old times.  That to me indicates that the friendship is either not ready to go there (again), or maybe that the friendship has changed and will never go back to that state. 

Are you still hurt by everything that has happened?  Do you think you can really trust her to be your friend? Will she flip out on you again if she goes through another rough time?  Also, why is it that she didn’t reach out to you first, when you were the one who was continually snubbed and she admits that you didn’t even do anything wrong?  These are just questions for you to think about – are you okay with accepting things the way they happened and moving on without resenting her over these things?

Going back to the way things were might not be all that realistic.  People change, things change, and it doesn’t make sense for things to be exactly the same all the time anyway.  This is not to say you can’t be close again and form a stronger friendship – just try not to expect everything to be exactly the same or you may be disappointed.  I would try to test the waters first.  How about emailing her to say "Hey we haven’t had a chance to talk lately.  What’s a good time for us to get on the phone and catch up on life?"  Go from there and see how it goes.  If the friendship redevelops, then think about making a trip out to see her.  But don’t plan for too much right away.  The friendship sounds a bit fragile right now and you don’t want to burden it with so many expectations.  If you think of it like a relationship,you would never ask your ex who may or may not still be into you to go away for a weekend with you!

Best of luck.  I think that a lot of my close female relationships have been very "relationship-like" too.  I’ve had a lot of fights, break-ups, confrontations…oh the drama.

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