(Closed) Best friend not coming to my DW, am I overreacting?

posted 8 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 107
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@peonyinlove:  I guess I am in the camp of make it happen. I just wouldn’t miss it. If I didn’t have money, Id borrow. If I couldn’t bring kids, I’d make arrangements. If I couldn’t go for multiple days, I’d make a quick trip. I guess my issue with her post is that its just ” no, not going”. I would expect that from a friend but not a BFF. Everybody’s situation is different but not even trying or explaining/regretting – just “no” doesn’t seem like a supportive Best friend IMO. 

Post # 108
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

have to agree with the other ladies — I think its totally fine to have a Destination Wedding (I sort of did myself — but driving distance) but you have to be aware that many people will not be able to come and maybe the reason will seem silly to you.

Personally I had friends and family not come because of the location … yes it stunk and I did have a fleeting thought of well if she really wanted to make it work she could and yes its true she could make it work but at what “expense” (not necessarily all financial)


what if something happens w the baby, there is an emergency and they are in a financial bind, they have a very carefully planned budget and this would set it off etc….

Post # 110
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Lily_of_the_valley:  I’m not a mom but I wouldn’t be leaving my 7month old for 4 days. However I would still try to attend the wedding if I could bring baby with me. 

Post # 111
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@soinlove79:  I would not want my very best friend to potentially put herself in debt to go to my wedding. That is not being very friend-like. I would not want my friend to leave her infant child to fly to Cabo just for a party. We will disagree here, but there are always exceptions. Expecting your friends to drop their life, regardless of what is going on, just for your wedding is irresponsible and makes you not as good of a friend as you (general you) think you are. My wedding is not more important than someone’s life, children or finances. I can be a big girl and deal with somebody not being at my wedding.

Post # 113
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

That sucks that she won’t be able to make it.

However, when you choose a Destination Wedding, I believe that you forfeit the idea of having a large(r) turnout. It’s a lot to ask people to pay for a passport, plane ticket, hotel, leave kids behind (which may include them having to make sitter arrangements, which is more money) all for one day. It’s really expensive. It’s pretty much asking people to buy a vacation for you. The way I see it, if I cant afford to spend 2k on a vacation for my husband and I, what makes you think I can fork over that much money for a friend, regardless to how long we’ve known each other? It’s one thing if you pay for guests, but expecting them to attend your Destination Wedding and pay out of pocket is a bit much. Hope it all works out.

Post # 114
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

@Lily_of_the_valley:  Im glad you arent holding this against her. If she is a BFF i know that she feels bad enough missing this milestone.

Post # 115
1441 posts
Bumble bee

@hermom:  +1

As far as I’m concerned no reason is necessary, all that needs to be said is “I’m sorry, I cannot attend.  I know I’ll miss a fabulous event, and I send all my best wishes, but I just cannot make it.” 

Post # 116
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Lily_of_the_valley:  Sorry about your friend. I don’t have kids either but all of DH’s childhood buddies didn’t come to our Destination Wedding in Vegas b/c they had LOs. He was rather upset b/c he’d been to all their weddings (some multiple times) however they were always in their hometown. 

I couldn’t believe the number of our guests that asked us to have it in his hometown and then asked us to have a “second” wedding. The point of our Destination Wedding was that we are overseas (and couldn’t expect everyone to travel that far) and we are from opposite sides of the country so we picked a “neutral” area. He tried to explain to them that it wasn’t fair to MY family/friends that they had to travel whereas his guests didn’t. They didn’t care and still insisted on at least a separate reception. 

At the end of the day, it didn’t end the friendships but it certainly changed them. We’ve seen both his BFFs since the wedding….one had us over for dinner and asked us all about the wedding (a year later) and were genuinely sorry about not coming. The other never asked us anything…spent the whole time talking about themselves. Guess which one he talks to on a regular basis?

Post # 117
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lily_of_the_valley:  “I was just honestly suprised by her not attempting to make it work

Probably because after 5 minutes’ thought she realised there was no way it could work.

At 7 months, I was still breastfeeding. Since this is her second child, I’m guessing she knows she’ll be breastfeeding so will need to take her baby – leaving baby with someone else for 4 days is literally impossible. So now she’s got to work out whether baby can safely travel overseas. Even if that is possible, then she has the unpalatable choice of (a) whole family travels, costing $$$ and husband’s vacation time, or (b) she only travels with baby, meaning she can’t properly enjoy the wedding. Also a 4 day trip is in reality much longer once you catch up with all the kids’ laundry and general household chores.

I had a similar situation recently – a family member gave an immediate “no” to a wedding because she knew it couldn’t work (for totally different reasons). I figure, better a straight “no” than to string you along like in the old “cat’s on the roof” joke.

Post # 118
13931 posts
Honey Beekeeper

 Some babies and toddlers are more challenging than others, but it’s a tremendous amount of physical work even under the best of circumstances.  Some grandparents are more equipped to handle it than  others, both physically and mentally. 

To those who say the wedding is all about the couple, it is in the sense that they are guests of honor or possibly the hosts or co-host of the event. There is a lot you can do to suit your own tastes, obviously.  But as soon as you invite guests, it also becomes about having a responsibility and an obligation to be a gracious and considerate host. Can you always be all things to all people? No, but you try to consider others in a reasonable way. This is not at all reasonable, IMO. 

Post # 119
3583 posts
Sugar bee

@Lily_of_the_valley:  I dont think you should be mad yet I see where you are coming from. I had a destiantion wedding and was lucky that all the important people in my life were able to be there (even my friend who has 3 children that she brought with her) but I wouldnt have been angry if people were not able to attend even if it was my super close friend. Thats the risk you take with a destination wedding and you have to be able to deal with the fact that not everyone might be able to make it depending on there individual situations.

Post # 121
2119 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Lily_of_the_valley: I was just honestly suprised by her not attempting to make it work, that is probably selfish of me but I was honestly and truly shocked because that is how our relationship was in the past.  It was always a “don’t worry about it, I’ll be there, I’ll figure it out.” 

I could have written those lines myself regarding my brother. We were very close until 6 years ago when I moved to Canada. After that… I guess life just happened and we drifted apart. Only that it took me until the wedding to fully realize that. Before that, there was some questionable decisions from his side that left me angry/sad/confused – but I just sort of went on ignoring all the signs that we weren’t best buddies any more. He will always be my brother and I’ll always care for him, but for the moment we’ve drifted apart. Perhaps the same thing has happened to you and your friend? I can totally see that when one part is a parent and the other one isn’t. Very different chapters in ones life, I’m sure. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand that you’re hurt. It’s always painful when a person you’re close to does something you hadn’t expected them to do.



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