Post # 1
I tried posting this but not sure if it posted, sorry if it posts twice on the board
So I am dissapointed in my “best friend” and have a dilemma with Maid/Matron of Honor now…:(
I have two best friends. One best friend I have had a longggggg time. however, ever since i dated my boyfriend, let alone got engaged-her reaction has been of total denial. Whether posting pictures on my facebook wall of us in the past, or NEVER asking about him/the wedding/bringing him up, I have gotten no love. I know it’s silly, but I had always imagined a best friend would jump for joy with me, comment on all my pictures, contake my future husband and gush. Instead-i got nothing. I have been best friends with her for YEARS everyone knows us as the best friend duo, yet I admit, as the years have gone on we get less close however maintain our best friend status because of our love. Still, it’s painful to see so many people, friends, family reach out and congratulate me, or ask to hear about my new life (having in laws, planning a wedding, moving in) and she has done none of that. I know it’s cause she is sad-it’s a loss for her, no more single fun clubbing best friend! However i get angry that she isn’t happy for me that i will marry a man who treats me so well and that i love, that i am moving on to a new phase of my life!
I have another best friend who i love deeply and who is so happy and supportive of me. We have been friends so much less time, however I wish i could give her the Maid/Matron of Honor title. I havent asked either although the first one (the one that isnt so excited) adn i have always known we’d be each others maids of honors, so she would be in shock if i picked my second best friend.
anyways has anyone experienced their best freinds being totally in denial/not happy for you?
if i chose the second best friend (i think i will) how would i tell the first one who i have been friends with FOREVER that she is not my MOH?
xoxo thank you for your time
Post # 3
It sounds like you need to make a little more time for your best friend. She needs to know that you still love her as much as you used to, and that you can still relate to one another.
The Maid/Matron of Honor thing is your choice, to me it’s a secondary issue to the giant problem of your best friend forever being distant. I would choose the old best friend to show her that she can still be an important part of your married life. Or, I would choose them both. IMO, choosing the newer best friend would just futher isolate your old best friend and seriously jeapordize your realtionship.
Post # 4
@AlwaysSunny: Very wise response. “Secondary issue to a greater problem” I’ll have to think about this one a lot. While making her Maid/Matron of Honor will show her i still love her-i still wonder if she is even my best friend-to literally show no interest/happiness. It is hard to have literally all my other friends (no one is not excited) showing their excitmenet and giddyness and not her. You’re right i will give it some more time, however if things don’t improve in a few months I just can’t make her my Maid/Matron of Honor out of respect to my future- i want to start off my life with positive people and positive friends, even if i lose her friendship…)hopeuflly i wont have to)
Post # 5
Wow… well if you’re willing to let the friendship go because she’s not as “giddy” as your other friends, how strong is this friendship in the first place? I have been in her shoes, and quite honestly it IS difficult…. and personally I think you should take some time out and work on the friendship rather than worrying about who is going to fit into your future. It’s quite possible that she doesn’t really want to be in your wedding?? Just throwing it out there…. Have you asked her why she is not excited for you?
Post # 6
Nobody is ever going to be as excited for your wedding as you are. I think you need to step back and look at the situation – frined #1 has known you for a long time. Perhaps there’s something she’s keeping from you – maybe she just really doesn’t like Fiance. Regardless, you’ve been friends for a long time for a reason – i’d just go grab some drinks and bring it up, but if she says nothing about why she’s acting weird, then drop it.
Post # 7
You can’t expect asking someone to be in your bridal party as a friendship fix, which is what it sounds like you think could happen with friend 1. It sounds like the two of you haven’t been close for a while.
Your best friend isn’t the person who comments the most on fb photos – she’s the person you’d call at 3 AM to hide a body. If that’s friend 1, then ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If not, then don’t.
Post # 8
I just have this to say: if you do ask 2nd friend and 1st friend gets upset… what you tell her is exactly what you told us. That she has been unenthusiastic and unsupportive .
I had a brief moment of Maid/Matron of Honor regret – we had a falling out for a while and I was very close with another friend during that period – but my BFF and I eventually made up, and even though she lives out of state now, I’m confident she’s the one who should be standing next to me holding my bouquet and helping me plan. She introduced me to my Fiance and we’ve been through a lot together. My other very close friend is still a bridesmaid and happy to be a part of the wedding party.
I think you should talk to friend 1 – carefully! – about why she’s so unenthused about your engagement/wedding.
Post # 9
You could always have 2 MOH’s 🙂
Post # 10
Post # 11
@Budgeting in Seattle: Exactly what I was going to say! There is nothing wrong with this at all. It means no hurt feelings, one supportive Maid/Matron of Honor and perhaps 2 if the other one steps up but she doesn’t have to.
Post # 12
I am in the exact same situation, I have two best friends.. but I chose Maid/Matron of Honor for the friend who has characteristics of the 1st situation you mentioned. Now, I am completely kicking myself, and have a completely inactive Maid/Matron of Honor. My advice would be to either name two MOH’s or not name anyone an Maid/Matron of Honor, essentially have all bridesmaids.. then you could explain to both that you have such a strong bond to both that you couldn’t possibly choose only 1. You wouldn’t think, but the title comes with so much expectations (unfortunately.. and I don’t mean monetary at all.. I mean emotionally, and that is a huge title to give someone) and as a bride it can get very frustrating to have an Maid/Matron of Honor who is so hard headed and ignorant to your new life. That’s just my opinion though, and if I could go back in time I would either name 2 MOH’s or none. Good luck! I know this is so hard.
Post # 13
@Budgeting in Seattle: I agree!! Problem solved 🙂
Post # 14
i was in the same position. My ‘best friend’ we have been friends since grade school and since we graduated college we just havent been close..at all…and she just seems uninterested in the whole wedding thing and is so flakey with hanging out or trying to get all the girls together to do wedding stuff…
so i decided to make someone else my Maid/Matron of Honor, and she ended up flipping out. But in the end im glad i made my decision because you don’t need a Maid/Matron of Honor who is basically going to be absent and absent minded throughout your whole wedding process…you need someone who is going to be supportive and happy for you. YOu need someone that you are close to in present time.
you can’t feel bad because in reality you guys just arent as close anymore and she should still be happy for you and happy that she is still a part of your wedding.
you cant please everyone, just be real with yourself
Post # 15
Please don’t expect putting someone in your wedding to be a friendship fix. If she isn’t enthusiastic now, she isn’t going to be more enthusiastic as a MOH– especially if she already assumes she will be your MOH!
I wouldn’t think so much about the number of Facebook posts, though.
You WILL want emotional support, and I would definitely choose the one that genuinely seems excited. Maid/Matron of Honor is there to stand up for and support the bride, not the other way around. Don’t spend your engagement trying to appease an unhappy Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 16
@AnonymousCupcake: I do Agree with you on this, it is an important role and if there is any feeling that ur Maid/Matron of Honor might not step up to the plate, you might need to just have a chat to her and if this doesn’t go well, u might need to rethink giving her such a big role.
I have a very demanding, often negative sister who puts me down fairly often and doesn’t seem to share in my excitement about an upcoming proposal from my SO. I love her to bits but don’t love the fact that she has said to me “I better be ur MOH”. I’m thinking of not having any Maid/Matron of Honor and perhaps not Bridesmaid or Best Man to avoid this situation!