(Closed) Best friend probably won't attend wedding

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

mingogo4 :  aw I’m really sorry. It’s a difficult situation and I don’t think there’s much you can do. It sounds like it does make the most sense to have the wedding in his home town, so splitting it up may not make the most sense. You could celebrate with her separately but I wouldn’t count on her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor or be able to attend your wedding

Post # 4
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee

mingogo4 :  that situation really sucks, I’m sorry. But I don’t think you should move your whole wedding. I think your friend really needs some help dealing with her anxiety issues. Is there a bus or train she could catch or would that also be out of the question? If you desperately want her there would you fly there then drive her? Sounds logistically insane though plus how would she get back home…

Post # 6
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee

mingogo4 :  could you get her a week earlier and have her stay with you to help out? Though it could be stressful having a guest right before your wedding!

Post # 8
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

mingogo4 :  This is just one of those situations in life where it is what it is. The true test here is how you handle it. Does not having your best friend at your wedding suck, of course and you are free to feel sad about that. But does that mean your friend doesn’t care about you, of course it doesn’t. It is probably eating her up as well but she is ill. Sometimes illness, especially ones like anxiety, keep you from doing the things you really want to.

Please don’t hold this against her. Maybe you two can video chat at some time during the day. She can also go dress shopping with you, the only offical title one needs to go dress shopping with a bride is friend/loved one.

Post # 10
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

mingogo4 :  If she holds it against you then she is being a shitty friend despite her illness. She might get angry but that is probably more at herself (if she can’t overcome her anxiety) so maybe remember that if she goes down that path. But you have the right to call her on it but I would siggest doing that in a supportive way (hey I know you are angry with the situation, it sucks for all of us but it is not fair for you to do xyz and makes me feel xyz).

Post # 11
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I agree with j_jayne, this is just one of those situations where it won’t be ideal not having her there but it is what it is.  You’ve tried to find a solution and help her get there and none of that works for her, so just accept she can’t be there. I hope she can accept your decision to plan your wedding as you see fit even if it means she can’t make it. You’re being very understanding of her limitations so, if she’s a good friend, she’ll try to understand things from your perspective too. If I were you, I’d keep the wedding plans as they are since that makes the most sense for the majority of your guests. Maybe plan a visit to see her after the wedding so you can celebrate together in her town.

My two best friends couldn’t come to our wedding either and it did make me sad not sharing that day with them, but it just wasn’t feasible for them to be there. That’s life. I’m sure you’ll miss having her there but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a great day. 

Post # 12
Member
2406 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

 Like a PP said, it is what it is. My mother was the same way, she missed most events because she just couldn’t do what she needed to do to get there. Difference was, she never expected anyone to change their plans to accomodate her. Your friend has a hell of a nerve expecting you to consider moving your wedding because she is unwilling to step up and get the help she needs. 

Just have your wedding as you are going to and if you lose your friend because of it, you can’t help that. You are not the cause, or the solution to her problem.

Post # 13
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

There have been posts in the past from the best friends, and sometimes bridesmaids, that thought they could power their way through travel anxiety and had to cancel last minute as the wedding approached. 

If she wasn’t insisting on you changing your state of marriage (!!!) I would feel for her and ultimately understand. However, seeing as she is demanding you change where you get married and you’re afraid she is going to hold it against you for not doing so, I have to say I’m pretty agitated on your behalf. 

She’s your best friend and is going to make you feel like shit about where you are going to get married? I’m sorry but that’s not what a best friend does. 

Post # 14
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d be upset in your position. You have offered many different alternatives, and she is refusing because ‘its too awkward’? Well ok. TBH if she doesn’t want to be there, nothing you say/offer will change her mind. And it doesnt sound like she wants to. She is probably 99% sure you WONT change your wedding location, but at least if she throws that out there it looks like she is making an effort to come (if you change every single thing about your wedding so its easy for me, of COURSE I’ll be there), but really has no intention of attending. Shes being really manipulative in that sense. I can almost guarantee that if you DID change your wedding to be there, she’d come up with some other excuse not to be there. And can you imagine how pissed you’d be if you changed your entire plans, asked all these other people to travel and she didnt even show up?

Sorry bee. Stick with your plans. If she isn’t able to make it, don’t hold it against her. If she holds it against you, she is NOT your best friend.

Post # 15
Member
2245 posts
Buzzing bee

You could have someone FaceTime her during the ceremony, so she can watch it as it happens, or have someone record it and send her the video soon after.

Don’t move your wedding and don’t push her to come. If she misses it and is upset, that’s too bad. If she gets mad at you and tries to argue, don’t argue back, don’t apologize, and don’t try to calm her down, because you’ve done nothing wrong. If she says you could’ve moved the wedding closer, say, “I chose that location for my wedding because it was most convenient for my guests,” and, “I offered you multiple ways to attend, but you turned them all down — that was your choice.” That’s the truth, so that’s all you need to say.

Don’t stress about this. I know it’s an upsetting situation, but you’ve done what you can. Offer her the FaceTime option if you like that idea, and let her decide. 

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