(Closed) "Best friend" reveals the truth…

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow.. I’m not going to even touch on the ring/marriage part. My stomach felt like it dropped when it said that he raped a young girl and your friend is still with him. THAT, to me, would end the friendship right then and there if she knowingly and willingly chose to stay with someone with that background.

Post # 3
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m really sorry to see you’re going through this with a close friend 🙁 One of my bridesmaids is upset with me because I’m not ecstatic that she decided to get married just weeks before my Fiance and I to a guy she’s dated for two weeks. I totally know how it feels to not support someones relationship because of the other person. My FI’s sister is dating a sex offender that raped a 14 year old girl as well. My Fiance and I don’t support or approve of that relationship and are refusing to allow him to our wedding.

I’m sure you may have people telling you that it’s “their” relationship and you should just be happy for them and not say anything. But that’s easier said than done when you feel really strongly against what’s happening and care about your friends well-being. Hopefully time will heal things with your relationship with your friend, otherwise the best thing you can do for her is be there to support her, good times and bad. And if she still says for now that she doesn’t want to be friends, respect her space but tell her that you’re always available if she needs someone to talk to and that she does mean a lot to you.

Post # 4
2290 posts
Buzzing bee

That’s awful. 

Her not being your friend for a while might be a good thing. Her judgement is questionable, and it’s best not to have people like that so close to you. Their chaos could easily become your chaos.

I’m sorry your friendship has ended, for now, but I think this will actually be a good thing for you. There may be some stuff coming up in the not too distant future that you won’t have to deal with because of this.

Post # 6
2670 posts
Sugar bee

LovelyLaura8:  She is masking her true feelings by being angry at you. You feeling sorry for her about the never happening engagement is a big realization that she is settling. She wanted the “oohs” and “ahhhs” you got when you got your engagement ring. She wants everyone to say “oh my he bought you that? you are so lucky! he must love you so much – i am so jealous” etc etc etc. 

I feel really sorry for her. He sounds like an absolute douche. Hopefully one day she will get over this silliness. 

Post # 9
2290 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand. However, if that close friend has the potential to bring trouble into your life, especially this particular brand of trouble, then it’s better to not have that friend at all. 

You now have the opportunity to make another, more stable, friend. 

Post # 10
46757 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Time to make some new friends.

Post # 11
4162 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know that some are saying it’s better to move on and make new friends, which I agree with to a certain extent.  I think because you obviously care for your friend, you should let her know that you are still there for her…this man can be capable of anything, and the last thing your friend needs is to be isolated and not have someone to turn to if in fact he does turn violent.  My ex would not let me hang out with my friends either, and was abusive and manipulative, so that’s why I feel like I know a bit what she might be going through.  Please don’t isolate her, let her know you’re sorry she feels that way, you’re concerned for her and let her know you’re there if she needs you,  but perhaps just keep your distance for now.

Post # 12
390 posts
Helper bee

Have you spoken to anyone in your friend’s family about your concerns about her boyfriend?  Considering his past crimes, abusive isolating behavior, and the large power differential in their relationship based on their large age difference, I think you should in fact be concerned for her safety.  If he is attempting to limit her contact with friends, he is likely doing the same with her family, so that she will feel that she has no social network or safety net to turn to if he becomes physically abusive towards her or if she learns that he has assaulted any other children (sexual offenders are highly likely to re-offend).  Unfortunately, his relationship with her, although she is an adult, does not mean that he is no longer a pedophile.  

Also, maybe try speaking to her about what her staying with this man realistically means for her future.  When she was still hoping that he would marry her, was she planning on having children with him in the future?  Does she still?  What about if you and your new husband decide to start a family – how would she react to you preventing her partner from being around your children?  How would she feel about moving in with him and not being able to have friends or family bring their children to her house?  Since you say that she reacted angrily about his exclusion from your wedding, it may be that he already is abusing her emotionally and making her feel that she cannot leave him or make it on her own.  Perhaps contact some domestic violence/abuse centers to see if they can provide you with information or resources on how to start a conversation with her to help her get out of this relationship.

Post # 13
5226 posts
Bee Keeper

LovelyLaura8:  I am betting the real reason that she has stopped your relationship is because of the boyfriend. One of the first moves that an abuser does is to isolate the victim from friends and family through manipulation and scare tactics. I’m so sorry she is in this situation, and that she has treated you so poorly. 

Post # 14
4412 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

LovelyLaura8:  At first I was going to say that if she’s happy with the promise ring (even for now) you shouldn’t have said that…but what the fuck? This man is a pedophile and she chooses to stay with him knowing the horrible thing he did? I have absolutely no sympathy for someone who stays with someone who did that. Of course you don’t like him…who would (besides her apparently)? I’m not really sure where you would go from here. Since it’s been so long since the comment and the fallout it sounds to me like she probably shared your reaction with him and, as you said he doesn’t allow her to see friends, and he is pushing the buttons to get her to do this. I’m sorry…this would be a horrible position to be in as a friend. 

Post # 15
5948 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

LovelyLaura8:  This girl’s whole situatino sounds like a disaster.  I feel really sorry for her – not the marriage part, just that she’s with a terrible guy.

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