(Closed) Best friend/Bridesmaid drama-Best friend freaked out over not being MOH

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010


Having a big wedding isn’t going to make your marriage any stronger. 

My husband and I eloped in 2010. Two of my cousins married the same year as us and they had big weddings. Guess what? Neither of them are married anymore, while my husband and I are stilll married. 

I know plenty of couples who eloped and they have been married for 15+ years. A wedding does not make your marriage.

I can see why you would want to honor your dead sister. However, I don’t understand how your sister can be a bridesmaid when she isn’t alive. I would be confused if I was your friend as well, though I certainly wouldn’t react the way she did because grief is such a delicate topic. 

Post # 3
1984 posts
Buzzing bee

I do think it was inappropriate for her bring it up. Especially since she knew you were planning on doing what you did. I only skimmed the last part, but what about having two Maids of honor? You can still list your sister first.

But since you don’t really want any parties or showers or anything I don’t really see the need to have another one.

Post # 4
3739 posts
Sugar bee

Who’d have the title and who has it bestowed upon them would cause so much angst! Your friend sounds like she is insecure.  She’s falling over herself to be helpful to you and now she fears she is getting relegated to second place in a race she can’t win no matter how hard she tries beacuse she can never be your late and much loved sister.  Tempting though it is to take some punitive action, how about telling her how much all her efforts have meant to you and how much you appreciate all the support she’s always offered you and having her there by your side will be a great comfort to you on your wedding day because her frienship means so much to you… and then leave it at that. You don’t have to compromise your loyalty to your sister by giving anyone the Maid/Matron of Honor title.

Why throw away a 20 year friendship over the bridalparty pecking order?

It seems impossible to have a wedding without someone having a tantrum. Hopefully this is the worst of your worries.

Post # 5
967 posts
Busy bee

I can’t get past having a big wedding your Fiance can’t afford (?? Can you afford it??) because you didn’t get one the first time around. There are a zillion people in the world who just did the courthouse thing or the affordable thing. Did they do it wrong?

You aren’t going to get everything you want in life usually due to finances. So? No one deserves these things. They are luxeries. Even the act of marrying your loved one at the courthouse isn’t attainable for a lot of people. 

I’m shocked you would make someone else pay for a wedding they can’t afford. It’s not mature.

Post # 6
787 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Apologize for the confusion, even if you don’t want to or it’s not confusing to you. This girl has done a crazy amount of stuff for you and even if it was clear to you that she was never going to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, it obviously wasn’t clear to her. It’s too late to claim that you really didn’t want a bachelorette, bridal shower, or wedding website; your indifference doesn’t negate the amount of work she put in.

It sounds like she said some rather shocking and unfair things, but her unhappiness is understandable if she thought that all this effort was going to “win” her a position that she clearly wants so badly. She’s put you in a really unfair position but there’s really no going back, now. So apologize, tell her you’re firm in your decision and you don’t want to discuss it anymore. Tell her you still really want her to stand up with you and get her a nice gift to show you appreciate her efforts. That’s all there is to do, at this point.

Post # 7
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

She only did those things with and for you because she was expecting to be your MOH?  Now she regrets doing them because you didn’t make her MOH?  That’s not how friendship works!  You don’t do nice things just because you want something from a person.  In a true friendship you do things for someone because you love and care for them.  

Call her up or better yet meet in person and acknowledge that she is hurt but you didn’t ask for any of the things she offered/gave you and that you will do them on your own without her.  Explain to her how important it is to give your sister the Maid/Matron of Honor role even if she isn’t alive.  It’s your wedding you shouldn’t have to comprimise with anyone other than Fiance.  Then tell her how hurt you were that she only did those things because she wanted something from you.  Tell her she really hurt you but you are long time friends and she holds a special place in your heart so you would still like her to stand in your wedding(but not do anything else for it).  I would not apologize, this is your wedding it should be the way you want it.  It would be different if you asked her to do any of these things but you didn’t.

Post # 8
8776 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

LB2015MB:  Why can’t you have two MOH’s? 

Post # 9
49 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sorry, nobody can replace your sister and any friend close enough to be a bridesmaid should understand that she will have pride of place, living or not! One sister, one Maid/Matron of Honor, no competition. That should not be confusing to any compassionate person. And why should you reward her for her tantrum with a consolation title? This is silly.

Don’t doubt yourself on this OP. What absurd behaviour.

Post # 10
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think your best friend is being fair at all.

It’s your wedding, your decision. She shouldn’t be doing things for you because she wants to be your number one friend with the Maid/Matron of Honor title, she should be doing things for you because she loves you and wants to support you on your big day. 

Don’t doubt yourself. If I ever, god forbid, lost my sister, I would do exactly the same thing as you with the ”MOH” title. 

Post # 11
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Please go pick up a book called “Crucial Conversations.” You don’t need to read the entire thing, even just the first couple chapters would really really help. I can tell this is very upsetting to you and it’s also very upsetting to your friend. The book can help you figure out what you really want in this situation and then how best to communicate it to preserve your friendship.

Me personally, I can see both sides. You love your sister and thought you had been clear with your friend about who would be Maid/Matron of Honor in your wedding. But it sounds like your friend never really accepted that. She assumed when the time came that you would change your mind. She sort of made herself Maid/Matron of Honor and started doing all those duties and you sort of accepted her as Maid/Matron of Honor by allowing her to do those things. But now you aren’t going to “give her credit” so I can see why she’s hurt and confused. She probably feels like you took advantage of her kindness or something similar even if that wasn’t your intention/understanding at all.

Figure out what you really want in this situation. Do you want to have only one Maid/Matron of Honor and that’s your sister and you’re willing to lose a best friend over it? Or can you name your sister Maid/Matron of Honor in Spirit and also allow your friend to be MOH? Ask yourself what you really want. Think long and hard about it. Only you can answer that question. Good luck and I’m sorry for your loss.

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