(Closed) Best Friends Boyfriend is controlling– Do I say something to her?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would say something because that’s just the kind of person I am. But I will admit that I don’t always think its for the best. My best advice is that if you are a say-something kind of gal, try to chose the best time/setting possible. And that may take more work on your part. Maybe even a couple of trips back home to see her before you “attack”. lol.

Post # 4
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

That is so tough.  Usually if you point out that you don’t like someone’s SO, you end up driving a wedge between you and that girl.  I think I would keep quiet unless it seems like he is physically violent or emotionally abusive with her.

Post # 5
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would be very careful.  Saying something could alienate her from you, and then if the situation gets really bad (like, abusive bad) then she may be too embarrassed to come to you if she needs help.  You could maybe say something very small, just to plant the seeds in her mind that this isn’t quite right.  So something like “That was strange that he told you where you are and aren’t allowed to get a tattoo, what is he your mother? haha!”  But then just move on.  At this point she has to make her own choices, and all you can really do is be there for her if it blows up in her face…

Post # 6
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Speaking from experience, I wouldn’t say anything unless you’re prepared to lose her friendship. Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit quietly and when all hell breaks lose later be there for support.

Post # 7
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee

Even if you said something to her it probably wouldn’t make a difference.  Either she knows already and she doesn’t care about how he treats her or she doesn’t know any better.  Just be glad YOU aren’t the one putting up with that crap!

That is a toughie though!

Post # 8
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Don’t say anything unless she asks.  Most of the time, no matter how bad the relationship, when friends and boyfriends do not get along, the friends are the first to go.  However, if she asks, you can say something, but maybe sugar coat it, such as “He does not really seem like your type” rather than “He is really controlling”. 

Post # 9
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

What are you hoping to happen when you tell her?  Is it to alert her to a problem you think she’s not aware of?  To let her know you’re concerned?  To let her know you don’t approve?  So you don’t feel burdened by it? 

Whatever the reason, a different approach might be to be the best friend possible for her.  She’s your best friend, but you hadn’t seen her in six months?  An hour is a drag, but try to find time for the two of you to get together more often, WITHOUT him.  Just try to build up her self esteem, be a great friend to her, and support her in being honest and open (with herself and with you) about her feelings about the relationship.  If he is controlling, he may be isolating her from other people in her life.  She may need all the support and friendship you can give her.

Post # 10
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My friend is dating a controlling tool also.  I told her and she surprised me by saying “I know, he’s such an ass.  But I’m not done with him yet, so just let it go”.    And that was that.

Post # 11
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Honestly, I don’t think you should say anything.  You are basing your opinion of him on one encounter and from what I gather two comments.  I know that first impressions can be strong, but I think you should at least give it a little more time before you tell your friend that you don’t like him or that you think he is controlling.  Hang out with them a little more and give him a chance.  She’s going to feel really hurt and she’s going to be mad that you feel this way when you really don’t know him at all. 

Post # 12
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m so 99% sure that she knows these qualities are not ideal and yet she has decided to stay with him anyway. There is something deeper here, whatever it is in her that makes her feel like he’s the best she’s going to do—low self-esteem? depression? I don’t know how to get her to help herself for this deeper problem, but pointing out that this guy is just one more jerk in a parade of jerks isn’t going to do it. I would focus on your friendship with her and see if you can’t get her talking about “core value” type of stuff—the kind of person she thinks she is, the kind of life she wants, the kind of person she wants to be with or thinks she deserves, etc. Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

My BF’s Boyfriend or Best Friend is dating a jerk.  And she has told her friend that he’s a jerk and a loser and she should drop him.  She did for like a week, now she’s back together with him and has been for a long time.  It didn’t make any difference that she tried to intervene.  In the end, your FRIEND has to see that he’s no good to her.  I would just be very close to her so that you can be there to pick up the pieces he leaves…

Post # 14
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

While I agree with the above posters….I also see it from a different view. It took my best friend pointing out how controlling and abusive my bf was for me to come to my senses and dump his behind (this was when I was 19). To this day I have no idea how much longer I would have gone on ignoring it. Sometimes a friend gently mentioning something is needed to clear your view, ya know?

Post # 15
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hoooo-weeee.  I would totally be bothered by those things as well.  It is a tough thing.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend is also dating a guy who I have reservations about, but I agree with the posters who said you’ll probably harm your relationship with her if you say anything.  I don’t think a person should say anything unless their friend is dating someone who is definitely physically or emotionally abusive.  However, if I were in your place, I would wait until she had a complaint about him and then jump in there right away, but carefully.  I agree with Septone, who suggested saying it delicately.  I would say something more explicit than “I don’t think he’s right for you” but not quite as direct as “he’s really controlling.”  I might say something along the lines of “I was surprised when he was telling you what you can and can’t do.”  But only when she gives you an opportunity.

Good luck.  I hope your friend starts dating better dudes.  Your description (UFC, Ed Hardy, tattoos, controlling) was really funny.  And I know just what kind of guy you mean.

Post # 16
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

I would definitely say something because what you are describing is not a normal healthy relationship at all. It’s the start of something that will soon escalate to be way worse than you can imagine. She needs to get out now but only she can decide that.

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