(Closed) Best friend's first child

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 46
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

louiseey:  You are totally right in feeling upset about this situation. I understand them wanting time with just them and the baby, but invitation only to visit, and no pictures, etc. is just absolutely crazy! I’m sorry you are going through this. Hopefully they’ll change there minds and realize how ridiculous these rules are.

Post # 48
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

EllyAnne:  is that true?  I must have missed that over all the insults 🙂

Post # 49
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

First of all, you are totally justified in feeling hurt. She is being judgmental and making stupid nonsense rules. Hopefully, it’s just pregnancy hormones making her crazy. But!

There was a woman in our group of friends like yours. She got pregnant and turned into a complete,  monster who made everything all about her and her baby, and we all laughed it off, assuming she’d be back to normal soon. But she got worse and worse! Her (exceptionally spoiled, bratty) kids are in school now and she still has bizarre house rules! Only one of my wide circle of friends is still on speaking terms with her. The rest of us find her to be too annoying. 

So hope for the best, prepare for the worst? 

Post # 50
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

louiseey:  I’m sure she’ll be begging you to babysit shortly.

Post # 51
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

FutureMrs.Cammack:  100%!!!  I am not ttc or close to it, but I have had te privilege of being a second mother to my baby brother (who was born 12 years after me) and also have a ton of babies in my extended family. my point is that having chdren is common. yes it should be an exciting and private experience to an extent with your partner, but there is no need to adopt a “smug new parent” attitude.

louiseey:  it sounds like you’re not necessarily upset about the rules, but more about your friends condescending attitude toward you for not having children yet. You don’t have children of your own, but doesn’t mean you can’t be a god mother! All that Job requires is spoiling and loving the baby, and developing a relationship with them for when they may need your guidance in the future. That’s it! I was godmother by the age of 17. And I completely understood the delivery room situation, but no one at the hospital allowed, then saying another friend can come because she has had children is a little bizzare. 

i would think of it like this: her compulsive need to control the situation and impose these ridicilous provisions on everyone who is trying to be helpful sounds to me like she’s trying to soothe her own nerves of being a new parent. For her to gravitate only to people who have had children sounds like she is looking for guidance. Don’t get me wrong, it’s unfair to be condescending toward you and make you feel inferior for not having kids, but I’m thinking it is stemming from a fear of the unknown. Give it some time and we’ll see how much these rules will hold up. In the mean time, I would try to be as understanding as you can, try to make some frozen meals for her for when the baby arrives, for example. If her behaviour persists for a couple of months after the baby arrives, then talk to her then. 

Post # 52
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your friend is being a douchebag. Don’t take it personally. Anyone who preemptively sends out a list of rules about interacting with and gifting their special snowflake is experiencing a (hopefully temporary) leave of sanity.

I would give her alllllll the space she’s asking for and wait for her to come back to planet Earth. In the meantime, try not to feel bad; if she’s treating her friends this way, I can only imagine what she’s doing to her family :/

Post # 53
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

I was going along for the ride right up until the list (with, to add insult to injury, OTT requests about what to buy the baby). OP friendships change when one of your have babies. You probably know that already because it sounds like you have other friends who have had kids. It is a life changing event and it does change people for the better and for the worse. Typically I suspect pregnant people who are unbearable become parents who are unbearable…. For the moment I think all you can do is continue to support your friend by respecting her wishes. Just to be clear though, you don’t have to buy any gift whatsoever, let alone a pre-approved one.

Also, I’m just gonna leave this here http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/68193751461/newborn-baby-visitation-rules-and-the-descent-into

Post # 54
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

She sounds nuts. I can’t believe her husband actually sent out those rules to people. WTF. I hope she realizes she will probably push people away from wanting to even get to know her baby and be in their life when someone puts this must strain and pressure on seeing her golden child. 

Add into the mix that you’ve known her for 20 years and is like a sister to you? Sure doesn’t sound like it. I’d sit her down and tell her exactly how she’s making you feel, which is really shitty and really excluded. Otherwise, you will end up building lots and lots of resentment towards her which could eventually end of completely ruining your relationship for good. 

Post # 55
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Baha. I have gone through this, twice now. Both my closest friends had these rules with their children. I do not have kids yet. One said “No one can visit until we have skin to skin time. And it won’t be on social media until at least the next day.” We were up there 45 minutes after the birth, and poof, on FB in a heartbeat. Don’t take it personal. Back away for a while and wait for her to jump off her high horse.

Post # 56
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If that’s the way they want things you can’t change their minds, but I wouldn’t be doing her any favours, especially babysitting. Give that a year. They’re first-time parents and sound a bit paranoid.

But it’s worth mentioning that the social media thing is actually very valid, IMO. I don’t post pictures of other people’s children and I will ask that no one post pictures of mine, at least for the first little while. As a parent, you get to decide when and how your child is exposed to the rest of the world and their birth is a very personal experience. It’s wonderful when your family and friends are excited and want to share, but I would rather share that myself, when Darling Husband and I are ready.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  capitalbee.
Post # 57
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

my advice is to just give them their space.  trust me, those rules will not last. they will need all the love and help they can get in those first few months.  babies tend to make their own rules. 

 

Post # 58
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

She will want babysitters. They say it takes a village. 🙂

Post # 59
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sounds exactly like a member of my family. No unapproved gifts. No pictures (not even to be put on Facebook, which I totally understand — I mean we are not allowed to take or be in pictures of the kid, like ever). No one babysits, not even grandparents. No one is allowed to “drop by,” nevermind that family is tactful enough not to do that anyway. The list goes on and on. And no, she has not mellowed out with time.  

(Sidebar, sorry to hijack but if any mothers can explain to me what the big fear is about friends and relatives taking “unapproved” pictures of your kid, I’m all ears. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and for the life of me I can’t figure out why this is something to get bent out of shape about.)

I was willing to give your friend a pass for changing her mind about what she wants in terms of pregnancy and labor support, godparents, etc. — people grow, minds change. She could have been more tactful but what can you do. But the rest of it is just straight-up controlling psycho stuff that assumes the absolute worst from everyone around her. Treating your support network like crap is a really good way to get rid of your support network. 

Post # 60
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Wow, I’ve had a baby within the last year and I had a few similar “rules” regarding the hospital and people (grandparents) needing the whooping cough vaccine before coming to the hospital…however she is being super rude. I would honestly just respond to that text “This is your time and I hope everything goes wonderfully for you and baby, when you decide you want to get in touch with me, please feel free to call/text” and leave it at that. I wouldn’t be buying any gifts or calling/texting when she is clearly being a grade A bitch to you.

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