(Closed) Best friend’s spouse is paying an unusal amount of attention to me…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you mention it?
    Yes. She's your friend! : (13 votes)
    41 %
    No, it doesn't mean anything. You're looking into too much. : (8 votes)
    25 %
    I don't know. I'll leave a comment. : (11 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5118 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I wouldn’t bring it up to her before bluntly putting it out there for him. Next time he starts with this online semi-flirting, tell him that you feel that it’s inappropriate for him to compliment you like that or confide in you or anyone else about such personal matters in his marriage. Maybe he just needs to get snapped back to reality. 

    Unfortunately, I think that if you told your friend, it’d be easy for him to minimize the communications and easy for her to shoot the messenger (you). I’d shut this down with him first if you can, and if he persists, then maybe bring it up to her.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I don’t think it warrents a mention to his wife, but if your gut is telling you he’s overstepping his bounds, I think you’re right to put a little distance between you two. And I know you probably can’t say this to him without it being awkward, but perhaps he needs to re-evaluate his relationship and start focusing on the positives — things he loves about his wife and child — instead of the negatives.

    Post # 5
    Member
    380 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    The way he is treating you does sound way to friendly, I am not sure I would tell your friend though. It would put her in a position in which she would have to choose who to believe which might cause major strain on ya’ll friendship. I would ignore him, and if he continued being weird I would unfriend him to aviod future issues.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3166 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    i wouldn’t, but i would block him from chatting with you (add him to a list and then block that list). i’ve seen similar posts like this on the bee before and some points that i remember are that 1) he’s new to FB so he may not “get” that those kinds of compliments aren’t necessarily wanted 2) he might just feel like since you’re friends with both of them he can confide in you with his troubles/vent 3) he may just secretly want that ass. but unless you know for sure it’s #3, i say keep it to yourself and make sure you have boundaries!

    Post # 8
    Member
    7609 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Good advice here.  Don’t tell her – it will change your relationship with her and she ultimately won’t want to hear it.  Just distance yourself from him – you could always limit him on fb so he can’t see your posts/pictures, or so he can see only some of them.  You can also put him on a list then make your chat unavailable to that list so he can’t msg you when you’re online.

    I definitely don’t think you sound conceited; you sound like a good friend.  Good luck!

    Post # 9
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I agree with PPs. From what you said it sounds like he’s flirting, but I think you should mention it to him first. Maybe say you’re uncomfortable with certain compliments, or when he complains about his wife say something positive about her (which you may already be doing) and try to make it clear that you’re not interested in any way, including him flirting with you. If none of it stops then consider telling your friend, but be careful about it- it would be awful to lose a friend over something you had no fault in or control over, but if he made her choose, I think most people would choose their spouse.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4824 posts
    Honey bee

    I would be straight forward and tell him that his conversation topics make you uncomfortable since his wife is your good friend and she is your priority. Leave it at that and hopefully he will get the message.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    no, don’t tell her. tell him to knock it off. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    5984 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    please dont say anythign to her. this will hurt her and only ruin your relationship. You should ignore his FB IMs and so forth. If he doesnt get the hint than you need to talk with HIM. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6065 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I agree with PP’s you should say something to him and hope it ends there so that you don’t need to mention anything to your friend.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1052 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I agree that you should tell him off first,  keeping in mind that if he’s flirting like that with you (her best friend) he’s probably already cheated on your friend with someone less familiar. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could tell something like that to your friend without destroying the friendship?

    I think you also need to save some concrete proof of his actions. If you tell him he’s crossing a line and to bugger off, he may be angry and retaliate by telling your friend that you are coming on to him, saying mean things etc., delete the comments he made on facebook. If that happens, you need to have proof of what he’s doing that you can pull out and show her if she confronts you. It needs to be reliable and clear so he can’t claim you’ve doctored it. Screen shots of messages, time stamps etc.  No one wants to believe their loved ones have betrayed them and you don’t want her to shoot the messenger.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4371 posts
    Honey bee

    Don’t tell her unless you want to risk changing or losing your friendship. But do ignore him and his overly friendly advances. And only see him if and when she is there. He’ll get the message soon.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would adjust my privacy settings on FB, block him on chat…and not mention anything. (to either of them)

    Put lots of space between the two of you.

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