Post # 1
My friend and her husband have been married for two years now after being together for three years before marriage. I’ve always liked and gotten along with her husband. He’s a nice guy and we all have a lot in common so conversation is always nice.
My friend is not on Facebook, but her husband recently got one and added me as a friend. I didn’t mind at all, because I’m friends with the guy in real life.
But he’s paying an unusual amount of attention to me. He makes comments about how gorgeous I am in pictures, messages me anytime I’m online and asks me constantly when I’m going to visit them, then proceeds to tell me how bummed he is that he’ll be at work and won’t be able to see me. This would be sort of normal, but he’s also been telling me I should come over when my friend isn’t there. He’s also been telling me everything they fight about and things that irritate him about her, “casually” mentioning that I seem much more laid back and that he finds it funny that she and I are friends because of how high strung she is.
If I am at their house with the both of them though, he only engages me in casual, awkward conversation…
I’ve been keeping this to myself because I haven’t wanted to mention anything if there was nothing there, but I just don’t know how comfortable I am anymore. I’ve started to ignore his messages and comments on my Facebook.
I don’t know if I’m looking into this too much or not. I know they’ve had marital problems before and things have been really tough since their son was born (he wasn’t exactly thrilled about it and has told me he feels neglected by his wife since their son came along)… And he knows that I’ve been having problems with my FH because I’ve told my friend about them and she in turn has told him.
I’m just confused (and I’m not conceited I promise!) but he has never been this way with me. Up until recently we’ve just had normal, friendly conversation…
Post # 3
I wouldn’t bring it up to her before bluntly putting it out there for him. Next time he starts with this online semi-flirting, tell him that you feel that it’s inappropriate for him to compliment you like that or confide in you or anyone else about such personal matters in his marriage. Maybe he just needs to get snapped back to reality.
Unfortunately, I think that if you told your friend, it’d be easy for him to minimize the communications and easy for her to shoot the messenger (you). I’d shut this down with him first if you can, and if he persists, then maybe bring it up to her.
Post # 4
I don’t think it warrents a mention to his wife, but if your gut is telling you he’s overstepping his bounds, I think you’re right to put a little distance between you two. And I know you probably can’t say this to him without it being awkward, but perhaps he needs to re-evaluate his relationship and start focusing on the positives — things he loves about his wife and child — instead of the negatives.
Post # 5
The way he is treating you does sound way to friendly, I am not sure I would tell your friend though. It would put her in a position in which she would have to choose who to believe which might cause major strain on ya’ll friendship. I would ignore him, and if he continued being weird I would unfriend him to aviod future issues.
Post # 6
@indibee: I understand what you’re saying. She’s already been suspicious of him cheating before. I just don’t really know how to mention his flirting without making it awkward… I’m not really good with these kinds of things because I’ve never had this problem before, at least not with a married man, a man married to my best friend.
@HeyKaraoke: If he says anything negative, I try to bring up good qualities, but he always shoots them down… And he did leave for a few weeks not too long ago, but when he came back, everything seemed to be fine and now there’s all this “semi-flirting” with me…
Post # 7
i wouldn’t, but i would block him from chatting with you (add him to a list and then block that list). i’ve seen similar posts like this on the bee before and some points that i remember are that 1) he’s new to FB so he may not “get” that those kinds of compliments aren’t necessarily wanted 2) he might just feel like since you’re friends with both of them he can confide in you with his troubles/vent 3) he may just secretly want that ass. but unless you know for sure it’s #3, i say keep it to yourself and make sure you have boundaries!
Post # 8
Good advice here. Don’t tell her – it will change your relationship with her and she ultimately won’t want to hear it. Just distance yourself from him – you could always limit him on fb so he can’t see your posts/pictures, or so he can see only some of them. You can also put him on a list then make your chat unavailable to that list so he can’t msg you when you’re online.
I definitely don’t think you sound conceited; you sound like a good friend. Good luck!
Post # 9
I agree with PPs. From what you said it sounds like he’s flirting, but I think you should mention it to him first. Maybe say you’re uncomfortable with certain compliments, or when he complains about his wife say something positive about her (which you may already be doing) and try to make it clear that you’re not interested in any way, including him flirting with you. If none of it stops then consider telling your friend, but be careful about it- it would be awful to lose a friend over something you had no fault in or control over, but if he made her choose, I think most people would choose their spouse.
Post # 10
I would be straight forward and tell him that his conversation topics make you uncomfortable since his wife is your good friend and she is your priority. Leave it at that and hopefully he will get the message.
Post # 11
no, don’t tell her. tell him to knock it off.
Post # 12
please dont say anythign to her. this will hurt her and only ruin your relationship. You should ignore his FB IMs and so forth. If he doesnt get the hint than you need to talk with HIM.
Post # 13
I agree with PP’s you should say something to him and hope it ends there so that you don’t need to mention anything to your friend.
Post # 14
I agree that you should tell him off first, keeping in mind that if he’s flirting like that with you (her best friend) he’s probably already cheated on your friend with someone less familiar. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could tell something like that to your friend without destroying the friendship?
I think you also need to save some concrete proof of his actions. If you tell him he’s crossing a line and to bugger off, he may be angry and retaliate by telling your friend that you are coming on to him, saying mean things etc., delete the comments he made on facebook. If that happens, you need to have proof of what he’s doing that you can pull out and show her if she confronts you. It needs to be reliable and clear so he can’t claim you’ve doctored it. Screen shots of messages, time stamps etc. No one wants to believe their loved ones have betrayed them and you don’t want her to shoot the messenger.
Post # 15
Don’t tell her unless you want to risk changing or losing your friendship. But do ignore him and his overly friendly advances. And only see him if and when she is there. He’ll get the message soon.
Post # 16
I would adjust my privacy settings on FB, block him on chat…and not mention anything. (to either of them)
Put lots of space between the two of you.