(Closed) best friends who have grown apart…do i ask her to be my BM????

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am/was in the same boat.  My best friend growing up have known each other since she was born – so 27 years (oh god! wow!!).  We did everything together up until I moved away to go to college.  I only moved 2 hours away, but she had some initial excuse for everything important that I invited her to (she always ended up coming, but after saying she wasn’t sure she’d make it): 21st birthday (2 months after I moved to college), college graduation, 25th birthday, and moving party (moving to Boston from CA).  I invited all of my other BMs months ago…when I first got engaged, and was on the fence about my longest-friend.  I caved last week and invited her because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and she was all excited about my wedding – emailing me and asking for details/telling me to let her know how to help.  You have to go with your gut.  Your wedding is just a day, so does it really matter in the long run?  You have to think about that from both angles.

Post # 4
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

go with your gut. if you want to work on your friendship in the future, asking her to be a bm might be a good idea. if you don’t see things getting better though, don’t feel obligated.

you need to call her instead of emailing. so many things get lost in email — it would make the situation much worse if she took something the wrong way.

also, a bm doesn’t have to fly to be with you every few months. a bm only has to show up to the wedding if she’s Out of Town. take your local bms to fittings and planning meetings, then have a bachelorette when everyone is in town for the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I guess this girl is allowed to feel how she feels.  But in my opinion, just because you were in her wedding doesn’t guarantee her a spot in yours.  I can’t believe she doesn’t feel like you’ve grown apart and you haven’t talked to her all that much in three years?  I’d say you’re under no obligation to have her in your wedding.

Post # 7
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Darling you’re feeling too much obligation.  You’re wedding is about YOU and the person that you’ve decided to share the rest of your life with.  🙂

Post # 8
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

As somebody who has been away from home for a while (not 3 years but its still similar), it hard to communicate and visit as often as you’d like and as the person who is away, you can often feel left out of things going on at home even though its nobody’s fault and you may not mention it (because lets face it, its a little irrational). However, the relationship hasn’t gotten any weaker for your, its just changed. I can completely understand how she feels. Just a few years ago, you were her maid of honor, she pretty much chose you as the most important woman in her life (who falls into the Bridesmaid or Best Man age range anyways). Obviously, you need to make your own decisions about your wedding– thats your right as a bride. But, do remember how those decisions affect the people you love.

Post # 9
Member
4511 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m kind of surprised by some of these responses. If you’ve been best friends for 20+ years, and if she’s still the person you’d call at 2 a.m. after your fiance, why throw all that away because of 3 years of not seeing each other that much? Friendships go through phases, like anything else–sometimes they’re on overdrive and sometimes they lie dormant for a bit. That doesn’t mean they’re over. If she had done something unkind to you, it might be different, but if I were you, I would certainly include her in the wedding. Think big picture here. A friendship that long is a valuable thing. 

ETA: Oops, sorry, now I see that you wrote she WOULDN’T be the first person you’d call at 2 a.m. I can’t read. 🙂 But that doesn’t change my opinion… just food for thought.

Post # 10
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I lost touch with someone, who had been my best friend from kindergarten through graduating high school.  After we went to different colleges, she stopped trying to keep in touch, would hardly show up to “reunions” when our group of bffs was back in town at the same time, etc.  But, when I got engaged I still felt some sort of obligation to ask her to be a bm.  I mean, she was my oldest friend! However, I waited, even after inviting my other girls to be a part of the big day, and now, I’m soo glad I did.  She’s even more detatched these days, she never calls, or even answers when I call.  Even our other good friends, she doesn’t see them much anymore.  She even blew off my bachelorette party, saying she “couldn’t afford it”, when there was no cost involved other than a $10 t-shirt, and she has a full time job!  So, I’ve come to realize that though we were best friends, people change and life moves on.  I’m still inviting her to the wedding, but I saved myself a lot of heartache and stress by not asking her to be a bm. 

I’d say, go with your gut.  Don’t let her guilt you into asking her, if you feel like you shouldn’t.  Just because she doesn’t feel like you’ve grown apart, you do, and that’s what matters.  However, weddings are important things, and this could kill the remainder of the relationship you’ve still got.  Make sure you think about the repercussions of whatever decision you make.  And, good luck! This is a tough situation. 

Post # 12
Member
4511 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@hdfoster: I guess the question is–do you miss her? Do you wish you were as close as you used to be? Because if the answer is yes, then I think it’s worth giving her another chance and asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If you DON’T ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that sends a clear message to her that the friendship is ending, and it will be much harder to repair things after that. But if you DO ask her, that tells her that she’s still someone you care about a lot and want to be close to, even if you haven’t been super close recently. 

What I’m saying is, it doesn’t sound like you have a lot to lose by asking her (what’s the worst that can happen? She flakes and doesn’t show up at all?), but by not asking her, you risk ending the friendship altogether. And maybe that’s what you want to do–maybe you’re tired of dealing with her absence, and I completely get that. I’d just think it through carefully, realizing the likely consequences, and then go from there.

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