Post # 1
Ok, so just wanted to get people’s thoughts on this. Here’s the simple version of the story. My ex is a really sweet guy who I dated in college and we have known each other for 15 years. We have dated for 9 of those years and friends for the rest. We also have the same circle of friends. We have never had any hard feelings towards each other, our relationship just didn’t have the right dynamics to work out and we actually get along better as friends. We are still very close and have still always been there for each other.
A lot of people do not get how we can be friends and are against it. One person who isn’t against it is my now-husband. We got married just a couple of weeks ago after dating for two years. He’d rather not I’d be so close with aother guy but he also feels like he has nothing to worry about and is fine if we hang out with each other without him there.
But here’s the issue. I am moving away soon and my ex is devastated. He’s a somewhat depressed person (big reason for why we broke up) and since he’s always been there for me, I always try to be there for him. When we broke up, he had few friends and was so lonely and since i KNow how that feels, didn’t want to leave him in the dust. But now I won’t be since I’m married and moving. Now I feel so selfish to have remained friends with him. He says he’d be sad if I weren’t in his life but losing me is painful as well. I’m also now fearing that by being friends with him, I’m being really unfair to my husband.
I’m just have always wanted to do the right thing and be loyal to people that have been there for me but now I feel like a villain.
Post # 3
I should also add that I think of my ex as family, since I’m not close to my own.
Post # 4
Don’t feel guilty–people movie! You can still call/text/FB message!
Post # 5
I know it is tough to let your ex go and live his life but that is what you need to do,. I think you are being very unfair to your husband and he is now your family. More so than your ex should ever be, inmy opinion. All of my closest friends are males so I have nothing against having a male friend but I just think yout husband deserves to have you without this shadow of another relationship lingering around. The fact that the ex is devastated about you moving is a red flag to me- as if he still thinks you two are in a semi-relationship. It is not fair to him either for you to be such a focus on his life. He needs the time and space to create his new life on his own without you.
Post # 6
@katnesss1: this is a Toughy… I can see how your husband would be uncomfortable with you being besties with a man you date for nine years. I mean, I see where he’s coming from a lot… If FI was best friends with his ex of nine years, I don’t think if be okay with it.. It would just be not okay with me. The connection you share after that long, the relationship you must have, that’s stuff that belongs to your husband and I 100% see how he has a hard time with it.
On the other hand, it’s hard to lose good friends. I dont think you have to not talk to him at all but I think some distance wi be good for you and your husband.
Post # 7
@BrandNewBride: +1… if he gets into a deep funk because you are moving, perhaps he still cares more about you than you realize… he should be understanding…
Post # 8
@lalalyanne: The issue is not so much my husband, he has actually never made it a big deal. It’s more me wondering on my own if I’m wrong to be friends with him.
Post # 9
I don’t think that it is wrong to stay friends with an ex after you break up. I’m still friends with one of my exes and was really sad he couldn’t make it to my wedding. He and my husband get along and there has never been any issue. That being said, we definnitely aren’t “best friends” and aren’t as close as you seem to be with your ex. I think what you have to be careful of is if he is treating your friendship like a relationship. And it sounds like he might be. I think, in that regard, it would be better to encourage him to make other friends and see other women. Not that you can’t be friends. But you can’t be his only friend and support. That is unhealthy. For both of you. And unfair to your husband. So maybe the move will be a good thing. You can remain friend but the physical distance can help to provide some emotional distance as well. This will likely not be easy for your ex, but in the end it will be better for him.
Post # 10
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@Baroness_Meg: This was my first thought as well!
OP, are you sure your ex doesn’t feel more for you than you do for him?
Post # 11
@Kings7911: To be honest, I’m not 100 percent sure. I never knew where I stood with him, which is also a reason why we broke up. I do know this though, he is attached to me. And living in a big city like we do, it makes him feel safe. He does have friends and date, but they come and go whereas we have been friends for a long time. My gut tells me it’s him being a bit needy and co-dependent
Post # 12
I think as long as your husband is ok with the situation, and you follow any parameters he sets out as to your relationship with your Ex, it is ok. My SO was friends with two of his exs. One Ex is married, and they are still friends. The other one got insanely jealous when I entered the picture as a serious girlfriend, and the friendship ended. With both, we discussed what I was comfortable with and uncomfortable with, and he was very open with when he saw them, talked to them, etc. Also he always invited me to come on any in person visits with him. (I didn’t always, but I appreciated the openness.)
Actually, it is probably a good thing that you are going away and putting some distance between you and your ex. From what you wrote, it sounds like it is possible that the ex might have or have redeveloped feelings for you still, even if your own feelings are platonic. Don’t feel guilty. if you hubby is ok with your relationship, and your Ex needs your friendship, I would just go with it.
Post # 13
I have a friend who I considered my best male friend, as in we would literally chat every day for hours for years. Then, I got in a serious relationship with now FI and we tapered communication to a couple emails a month for a while. Then, he got a long term girlfriend and now we communicate about once every 3 months. It’s natural to drift when other things take precendent in your life… I would not feel guilty and there is always chat, email, etc!