Post # 1
Long time lurker here and now I need to post.
My fiance came back from his bachelor party on Saturday. They had a great time but I have a delima.
So my fiances best friend is the best man. I’ve known the guy for a few years and really like him, he’s funny, nice and a lot of fun. He’s been dating a girl for a couple years who is also nice. Their relationship on the other hand is rocky at best.
I like her and I was having trouble picking bridesmaids. My fiance suggested the girlfriend of his best friend so I asked and she said yes and was really happy. She’s nice, I like her, we’re just not close at all.
So apparently… At the bachelor party my fiances best friend did something HUGE. He cheated with TWO strippers. TWO. He regrets it now but what’s done is done.
I’m ALL for exposing creeps when this type of thing happens but the problem is… If I expose this, her boyfriend will know who told her and it will ruin my fiances friendship with the guy, a long friendship and the guy is a really good friend. He’s not a jerk or anything and has been there for my fiance when my fiance needed him. But he specifically told my fiance not to tell me what happened, so if the girlfriend finds out, he will know my fiance told me and will know I told her thus ruining the long good friendship.
I don’t know what to do, Friday is my bachelorette party, she will be there and I will likely be getting drunk and might actually spill the beans and not on purpose. Or I’ll get “mightier than thou” and tell her anyways, but I really don’t want to ruin my fiances friendship, especially this close to the wedding.
So what would you do if you were in this situation? I know it’s not my business but I feel like often that’s just an excuse to not get involved. I don’t want to get involved but if I was her I would want someone to tell me.
Any advice on what to do?
Post # 3
I would uninvite the (ex) best man.
If you don’t want to be the one to explain it but you are the person asked, just say, “you need to talk to him.”
Someone cheating on your friend is definitely your business. If he raped her, it would be, right? You wouldn’t continue to treat him like nothing happened. So why would cheating on her be ignorable? It isn’t.
Does your fiance want to pretend this didn’t happen? I’d be really upset if my FI acted that way about his close friend cheating.
Post # 4
The way I see it, you have two choices:
1) Tell your FI that he has to tell his friend that if he doesn’t tell his girlfriend, your FI will (and if your FI won’t, then you will get involved).
2) Stay out of it.
Ultimately, you need to decide what is more important to you: letting this girl know, or seeing your FI preserve his friendship. I don’t think this guy is necessarily a bad person, people do make stupid mistakes…but just because it was a mistake doesn’t mean she doesn’t still deserve to know.
And maybe watch what you drink at the party…
Post # 5
Ugh that is such a tough situation! I also don’t know what’s best to do. Many think that it is between the couple and you should butt out. This is true for many instances, but if people knew DH was cheating on me and didn’t tell me I’d feel hurt. Like people knew more about my relationship than I did. But if you tell her, your relationship with Best Man is done and your BP is quite messed up.
I’d like to say wait until after the wedding and then tell her, but that’s such a bitch selfish move too!
I’m so sorry and I’m so unhelpful!
Post # 6
I would absolutley 100% stay out of it – also, lay into your FI about this as he NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
Post # 7
@MrsThomas789: personally, i would stay out of it. i don’t like to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. you will be breaking the trust of your fi (i’m sure he told you in confidence) and you will expose that your fi broke the trust of his friend.
your wedding is coming up. do you really want 2 people in your wedding who are fighting?
nobody wins in a situation like this.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Be Switzerland and stay neutral. It’s not your place to tell on the best man. I would tell your FH to keep it quiet at least until after the wedding if he absolutely must tell; I would also have FH tell the best man to keep it quiet until after then as well. It’s only going to create ridiculous drama that you will be forced to deal with right before your wedding which is only a little over a week away.
Post # 9
@joya_aspera: has a point, OP I think it depends a lot about how your FI feels about his BM now?
Is your FI mad at him or no?
Post # 10
@Starling13: Why is it good to protect cheating?
The worst thing in the world my FI could do to me would be to cheat on me. Why would anyone want to protect him if he commited the most hurtful action toward me possible for him to do?
Post # 11
Stay out of it. It’s not your problem.
Which do you value more—your relstionship with your FI, this girl—who you stated isn’t really your friend anyway? (sidenote: a reason why you should only have very close friends and family in your wedding party.)
Your FI told you something in confidence, and if you break his trust you will end his friendship with his bestman and he will resent you for it. He may even end things with you, depending on how mad he gets at you for going behind his back and doing something he specifically asked you not to. Trust is a very hard thing to win back.
Post # 12
I went to a wedding last year where the groom went to Vegas for his bachelor party and did some stuff with a stripper (hint: his nickname is now Fisty)… I was so mad at my fiance for telling me because I felt so bad for the bride. I didn’t tell her because I felt like it wasn’t my place.
I would also say to stay out of it. It sucks but it’s really none of your business.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Post # 13
@MrsThomas789: Don’t. Say. Anything.
Seriously, this is none of your business and I get that he’s a jerk who put himself in a stripper sandwhich when he had someone waiting for him at home, but no matter how you reveal this information, YOU will be the one who’s seen as a busy body who stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and literally trashed a relationship DAYS before her own wedding….
There is no winning, I would find this guy after you’re all married up and the dust has settled from that shindig, and if he hasn’t come clean with her, tell him he’s got a week to tell her or you will….
Post # 14
You need to stay out of this. Your fiance was there, and it’s your fiance’s best friend accused of cheating. If anyone should be trying to figure out what to do, it’s your fiance, and even then I’m not entirely sure how he’d best handle it. Probably better to pressure his friend into ‘fessing up, instead of going to the Best man’s girlfriend directly, but regardless, that’s not for you to do. That’s your fiance’s decision.
Post # 15
I would stay out of it. I don’t think the friendship is worth ruining. You said that the relationship is rocky at best anyways so they will likely not end up together. Also, she isn’t your friend. It might be different if she was a BM that was one of your absolute besties. But she is only a bridesmaid because of her relationship with the Best Man. I think in this case, it sucks, but the boys’ friendship trumps your involvement. And you definitely dont’ want all this unravelling before/at your wedding, as selfish as that might be. These two people are both still involved in your bridal party! If he is as good of a guy as you say, he might end up coming clean/ending the relationship post-wedding anyways. I’d let it play out on it’s own and not interfere, as much as it might kill me.
Post # 16
The best you could do would be to encourage your FI to convince his BM to be honest to his GF (that was a confusing use of acronyms).
I would personally stay neutral. She might already know and would be ashamed that other people (like you, someone she might consider a new friend she wants to impress) knew about it. No one likes it when other people know about their dirty laundry and even if she didn’t know you would probably be ruining any potential friendship with her b/c you would always be the person who broke the cheating news.