Post # 1
Hey girls, somethings been on my mind and i cannot shake it. My FI’s best Man has not iiked me for about 3 years, (we have been dating for 6) We used to be close and then one day it switched without me even knowing what happened. We were out one night and since then he will not make eye contact with me or talk to me. (he says i said something so offensive about his music -he is a musician like FI- that he cannot have any repect for me anymore.) He had the nerve to Send Fiance a giant email about how i was a horrible person and how Fiance should break up with me. Even though i dont understand my Fiance music style -Metal- I have gone to all the shows and been nothing but supprtive. I do not recal ever saying something to offend hm and when i asked him directly what i had said that was so hurtful he refused to tell me… which makes me feel like there was never somehing said to begin with this hurt my feelings deeply. fast forward 3 years since that event and he is going to be our Best man. 🙁 I told Fiance i supported his choice they have been best friends for 10 years after all, but my heart feels heavy knowing that there is going to be someone there who hates me so much he will not even look at me. I tried to reach out to him and sent him this email in january:
Hope all is well in your world and that you and your family are doing well. I just wanted to touch base and tell you that Fiance is so happy you are going to be his best man, its such a big deal to him that you will be standing next to him on his big day. I just wanted to say that i am also happy that you will be there, you are a very good friend to him and although we have had differences in the past i am appreciative of your friendship with Fiance. I know it would mean the world to Fiance if we could have some sort of relationship, even if it’s just exchanging a simple hello. If there is anything i can do to make the day easier for you please let me know, or if you need any of the contact information for the other groomsmen. Hope your 2012 is filled with great things for you and your family.
he never responded to the email and never even mentioned it to my Fiance. (please note the email is current) I would never ask Fiance to get another best man, i just needed to share my story because i am feeling down about it. I know it will not ruin my wedding day, nothing ever could. But its a small rain cloud that i will have to deal with. Any idea’s??
Post # 3
You can’t be friends with everyone.
I say that, but I’m even worse…I MUST be liked by EVERYONE lol!
There’s going to be a lot more that you’ll deal with, so this one should be really easy to let go. Maybe he’ll come around after the marriage, maybe not. It won’t change anything about how you feel about your husband.
Just continue what you’ve been doing. Being a gracious host, even to those that you know don’t like you. That’s the best you can probably do.
I’d say, no more emails to him tho…
Post # 4
@wdrake_98: Thanks, after he did not resond i knew that i would never send another email. Just the wedding invitation and thats about it, through the post of course! 🙂 I am the same way, i want to make eveyrone happy even if it means making myself unhappy so i think this is one of those just let it go and walk away situations. Sometimes a hard lesson to learn.
Post # 5
@MrsHoneyC: I think the Bridesmaid or Best Man made that excuse up becuase he’s either jealous his friend has found his life partner OR he likes you himself. Would those two ideas be plausible?
Post # 6
Chalk it up to him being childish! I get very “Grrrr why don’t you like me you have no reason!” as well. But ultimately that ends up stressing me out much more than the person who doesn’t like me. Don’t give him the power to make you feel bad. You were the adult, you tried, he can either get over it or continue to be rude. Either way, it doesn’t have to affect you.
Post # 7
This is his issue….let it go. You’ve done all you can to make things better. sounds like he wants to keep things as they are. So let him. But don’t for a minute let it ruin your day x
Post # 8
idk, if it were me I would maybe try and reach out to him and try to make amends. I would prefer it if my husband’s best friend could at least be civil with me when we’re around each other. That said if you reach out and he doesn’t respond well, just let it go. It’s his problem, not yours.
If I was your Fiance, I would be kind of tentative about having this person be my best man when he clearly doesn’t support the union, 10 year friendship or not. That is up to your Fiance though.
Post # 9
I second LuvMySailor. I wasn’t even halfway through your post when I though – Oh, he’s jealous, he likes her.
You did a lovely thing by sending that note to him, and even if he didn’t respond, I’m sure it meant a lot to him.
Post # 10
I don’t understand how he is best man. I would have a hard time keeping my best friend as a bestie if she wouldn’t even speak to my Fiance. What kind of friend is that?! I feel horrible that you will have a heavy heart about this situation on your weddingsay and it is not fair to you. If I were in your shoes I would say something along the lines of this to my Fiance
” I know you love Bob and he is your best friend, because he is important to you I really would like to have a relationship with him but he refuses to even speak to me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be in good place with him so we can all get along. but if he refuses to speak to me I feel very uncomfortable that he will be standing at our altar, i believe your best man at our wedding should be there for you, but also supportive of our marriage. We are going to spend the rest of our lives together and if this is your best friend for life then we need to solve this issue. I would like you to discuss this with Bob and stand up for me and for us. Can’t you do this for me so that I don’t have to feel like the best man hates me during the happiest day of my life?”
I really feel your Fiance needs to intervene here. As for what you said, were you all drinking? Maybe he doesn’t even remember exactly what you said but only that it was hurtful which is why he won’t tell you….
Post # 11
@MrsHoneyC: He probably saw how serious you and your Fiance were getting, and decided he didn’t like “losing” his best friend. It’s not anything you can change really, but I commend you for trying to bridge the gap. Let the chips fall where they may and try to live your life to the best of your abilities without stressing about him.
Post # 12
Is it possible he didn’t get your email or didn’t read it? Even if he did, maybe he’s not the type to sit down and talk about feelings. At the end of the day, even if you did say something a long time ago that was offensive, he should be able to get over it by now. You apologized, extended an olive branch, did the best you could to smooth things over. It’s up to him to get past it, or not. Just have peace knowing you did what you could.
Post # 13
Yeah I think he likes you….awkward, but really it’s his issue…hopefully he starts dating someone soon….
Post # 14
@Missloveknot: I agree!
When my Fiance was discussing best man options, (and there was one he was considering that didn’t speak to me, etc), I told Fiance that the best man needs to be someone that if Fiance is doing something that I do not understand I can go to the best man and get some honest advice. That the best man knows Fiance really well but also that we have a relationship.
I do not know if it is too late but it might be worth having a serious conversation with your Fiance about this
Post # 15
Oh my…. I honestly and truly hope it has nothing to do with him having a crush/thing for me. 🙁 that would be extra uncomfortable. As for what was said, i am 100% straight edge have never had a drink before so its not that i was of un sound mind and said something i regret. I feel as though the issue between My Fiance and I has been solved and figured out (keep in mind this was 3 years ago) It was difficult, and it was uncomfortable and at the time i was super hurt that my best friend at that time Boyfriend did not stand up for me, it was a long road getting through that hurt but we did and are stronger for it. Because of that reason i am hesitant to bring up past hurts AGAIN and see if he will talk to the best man.
I appreciate all the imput that you wonderful women have given me, i feel a lot more assured of my choices to be the better person and to rise above it. (its hard to be the bigger person)
I just feel sad that the person who will be standing at the alter with us cannot even look me in the eye or reply to my email (email was current too…. no chance he did not recieve it) I also wonder about if he would be doing a best man speech which is something i will have to talk to Fiance about.
@Missloveknot: i appreciate the message you wrote, i think i might try and do a conversation similiar to this with Fiance and see how it goes.
Thank you so much ladies! you have REALLY helped me feel confident.
Post # 16
It’s a tricky one because as much as generally the grooms best man is usually his best friend or someone he’s hugely close to, it’s usually also someone who supports the relationship/marriage as well. It doesn’t sound like he was the ideal choice for this role imo.
It sounds like you’ve done all you can by trying to reach out to him. He sounds a little petty tbh and it may be less about his music taste and more about jealousy that you’re “stealing” his best friend.
It’s not your fault though, and feel good in yourself for making the effort with him in a mature way.