(Closed) Best-man Future Brother-in-law predicament…already

posted 5 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 3
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Most law students I know take a vacation after graduating law school and a little break for a week or two before preparing for the bar.  Could you plan for your wedding to be the week after his graduation? What law student wouldn’t want to take a nice tropical vacation after all that hard work?!

At the end of the day, you guys have to do what works for you – if thats a spring wedding he can’t attend, fine; if it’s waiting until he can, that is fine too. It’s whatever suits you as a couple that matters. 

Post # 5
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Lily_of_the_valley:  My fiance is a lawyer and basically studied from the moment that he graduated until the bar exam. There were some light breaks but certainly nothing like a destination wedding.

After they took the bar and everything, he and all of his friends felt they could’ve taken some more time off right at the beginning. Also, his bar prep courses were available by video online (because the bar prep classes were actually just prepared videos – not a real teacher). So, I think that if you scheduled it for the weekend after he graduates, he could go and he should stop being so crazy about it. He can always get the notes from a friend, or, if his state is like mine, just watch the vids online. 

Post # 7
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee

I think he gets to feel however he feels about his studying bar-prep. He’s spent the last few years in classes, he’s spent money on tuition and now he has one last hurdle to clear before he’s able to start his professional career.  If he says he’s unavailable from Mid April through Early Aug, then allow him those feelings without trying to tell him that someone else did this, or took a video prep course (maybe his is in person or has some study groups set up.)  He gets to study for this major exam however he thinks is best for him.  Even if things “don’t add up” it’s not up to you to be super sleuth and dissect it for him to make other choices that you think he should.  

He’s said he’s unavailable those dates.  Now the choice is in your court.  Book the dates you want (I would) and accept that he will not be there, or book when he’s available.    

 

Post # 8
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I graduated law school 5 years ago.  My bar prep course started two days after graduation.  It’s all day, then you study all night.  I studied from May until the end of July for the bar.  I barely had time to go to my own graduation party for an afternoon. His story adds up.  After spending 200K on an education, you really don’t want to fail the bar exam. 

Post # 9
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lily_of_the_valley:  I know a lot of recent law school grads – there prep courses were a 3hours a night, 2-3 nights a week.  Something’s not right if he’s in a prep class 8 hours a day every day!

I just find it hard to believe he couldn’t escape for a long weekend for the wedding – I went to a Destination Wedding for 2.5 days – sure it was short and a quick weekend, but I did what I had to do to be there.

But doesn’t really matter I guess if his mind is made up. You guys pick what you want. Either way, I think it’s your FI’s battle to pick.

Post # 10
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsWBS:  really?  I went to bar prep all day every day.

Post # 11
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsTVLover:  yep. maybe it’s just where I’m from.  I’ve dated quite a few lawyers and have many lawyer friends and never heard of all day prep courses! Last year, I had 17 friends graduate from 3 different law schools. They all attended the same course – 6-9pm 3 nights a week. They all passed, too! 

Post # 12
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013


ack thats a tough one. it depends how you feel about not having him there. he feels how he feels so you can either work with it or not, and have him most likely not attend

beginning march is a good time for a wedding in mexico (can you guess from my date =P) its not too hot or cold and before all the spring break madness (which often isnt in the nicer hotels but still)

if its going to be afterwards, id avoid september. hurricanes arent v likely in mexico but if theyre going to happen, its most likely to be then. less so for october.

so i nominate march or november. cancun/playa del carmen is pretty steady temperature wise whe whole year, so it wont be cold outside the main wedding months. the pro is that the temp is slightly higher and humidity is normally worst may-august so honestly its no bad thing to avoid them!

Post # 13
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee

IANAL – and I’m not sure why this is such a hot button for me.  Maybe it brings up angst from when I did have to take a massive certifying test right after professional school.  It was all consuming.  I studied for months, and was unfit to be around in any social setting for that period.     

Here’s a hypothetical:  What if you guilt him into goint to the wedding, timed as you want, and fails the bar.  (Not saying that going to the wedding is the reason he’d fail, fail rates are pretty high on their own.  Just assume for the moment that he goes to the wedding and he fails the bar.)  I’d always feel a little bit guilty at the thought that maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t tried to micromanage someone elses life and insisted that he come when he said he didn’t want to.  You may not take on the burdens of the world like I do, but I can predict that thought (rational or not) would pass my mind.  That thought may also pass his mind.  Might that change the way he relates to you or your hubby?  All of that is borrowing trouble.  Hopefully he’ll pass and no one will ever have to wonder “what if.”  

Just because someone else prepared in a different way (or 10 or 100 people prepared differently) does not mean that it’s the way he wants to prepare.  Allow him to do this in his way then celebrate if he passes, and know that if he fails, you did not ask him to do something that he felt he didn’t want to do.  

Post # 14
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Lily_of_the_valley:  My friends here in NYC went to prep class all day on the weekdays nonstop since graduation. I also hear they had to study at night as well.

Since CA bar is harder than the NY bar, I would imagine it’s pretty similar.

 

Post # 15
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve never studied for the Bar, but I’ve studied for actuarial exams.  You absolutely can’t take a few days as break from studying.  I do not have a social life for 2 to 3 months before my exams.

Post # 16
Member
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Lily_of_the_valley:  Personally, I would wait until after the bar exam so your Future Brother-In-Law can attend.  Having my brother at my wedding would trump my wish for a certain date or time of year.  The only reasons I would not wait would be due to school or work scheduling issues, a seriously ill family member, or if there were other family can’t attend the wedding at a later date.

If you don’t wait until after August though, definitely do not pressure your Future Brother-In-Law to attend.  It would be unfair to put him in a position where he has to choose between his brother and his future.

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