(Closed) Best Man, Girlfriend Not Invited and SO much more

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you guys are in an established relationship, she should have been invited.  If I were in a wedding and they told me my significant other was not invited, I would have stepped down and declined the invitation. 

What’s done is done, you’ve agreed to be in the wedding, so at this point I don’t think she should crash the wedding, but she has a right to be annoyed at the snub.

Post # 4
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Regardless of your friend’s opinion of your girlfriend or whatever impression she made, it is very, very rude of them not to invite her. She is your long-term girlfriend. She should have been invited. We had a very small, no kids, no +1s wedding. Our rule was people could only bring significant others if they were living together or had been together for more than a year. 

I’m so sorry but I don’t have any advice on what action you should take. I do think that your girlfriend is justified in being angry and offended and your best friend and his fiance were in the wrong.

I think at this point, you’re going to have to choose and someone is going to be pissed. Do you go without your girlfriend and let her be angry or do you tell your best friend that you will not attend without her and let them be mad?

Post # 5
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@DaneLady:  this and@zippylef: this. It was very rude of them not to invite her, no matter how they feel. There are people I’d like to not invite to my wedding, but have to. That’s life. 

Post # 6
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I’d have to agree with the previous posters.  As you two are an item and have been for a long time – and your best friend and his fiancee know this, unless the wedding is super tiny (which I’m guessing it’s not), it’s pretty crappy they didn’t invite her. 

However, you haven’t really stepped up here. If my fiance was best man in his best friend’s wedding and he knew for 3 weeks that I wasn’t invited, I’d be pissed too…at my fiance for not telling me, standing up for me or trying to make things better.

Your friend and your girlfriend and your relationships with them individually are in a way, a reflection of you, what you see as qualities you like or how you are compatible, etc, how you get along, etc. Besides the fact that your best friend and your girlfriend aren’t exactly friends and his fiancee and your girl didn’t hit it off, it is irrelevant to this issue.

To me, your best friend has basically said to you that he doesn’t like your choice in a girlfriend, which is a direct reflection of you. You can choose to agree with him by going anyway or you can politely decline being in his wedding. I don’t suggest that your Girlfriend just show up at this point, but I think you need to make a decision and stop being scared of the 2 most important people in your life. I hope I don’t sound like a jerk here, but this is just as much your issue as it is with your friend and girlfriend. 


Post # 7
504 posts
Busy bee

How very very rude. Wedding are about everyone enjoying themselves, not just Romeo and Juliette getting to have their perfect day. I’m sorry your friend doesn’t care enough about you to be thoughtful of your feelings and the feelings of the person you love.

Even if they changed their tune and invited her, she probably would decline. I know I would.

Good luck

Post # 8
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

They’re totally in the wrong for not inviting her. I’d be upset, too if I were your Girlfriend. 

Post # 10
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

In my circles, the members of the wedding party get to bring dates no matter what. As the best man, you want to be there to support your best friend in his marriage, but as such, he needs to also support your own relationship. I’d nicely tell him as much.

Do you know if anyone else in the wedding party gets a +1?


Post # 12
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

They can invite or not invite whomever they want but they should have known to expect backlash; this backlash, even if politely worded, should have come from you, immediately after finding out. 

Since it’s past that point however I think the only thing you can do is ask your friend one more time to reconsider. If he says no, then I would respectfully step down and apologize for the inconvenience. Let him know his decision shocked you into inaction until now and youre sorry for waiting this long, but you must do this to salvage your relationship. Maybe then he’ll realize that they may not like her, but she is basically a packaged deal with you. 

If he says yes then be prepared if you went through all the trouble and your gf doesn’t want to attend. Do not blame her for that if it happens, she has every right to refuse to go but at least she knows you fought for her in the way she expected. 

Post # 13
504 posts
Busy bee

I really feel for you Joe. You’re in a pretty crummy position. It also sounds like it’s your best friends fiance who doesn’t really want her there. In my experience men tend to go more with the flow. So really, you and he are both in the middle.

As much as you should stand your ground, so should he.

Post # 14
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Good on you for trying to get a better perspective.  I don’t envy your position at all, and it does sound like you’re trying to do the right thing here.  Good luck, whatever you decide to do 🙂

Post # 15
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What in the crap?  Am I the only one reading this right? 

If they have standards for their +1, like must be a husband or wife, then they totally can make the decision not to invite your girlfriend.

So what is their “category” of +1?

Personally if it were between my best friend and a guy I am not engaged to or living with with, I would concede to her wishes.  It doesn’t sound like they are not inviting her out of spite.

Go to the wedding.  It’s your BEST FRIEND.  She needs to get over herself, grab a girlfriend, and find something better to do with her time than attend a wedding of 2 people who clearly don’t care for her, despite the circumstances.

Post # 16
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Here’s my perspective: you are the best man.  People in the wedding party, who are expected to contribute to the wedding in a meaningful way, should always (IMO) be invited to bring a +1, even if the relationship is new, or whatever the terms.

Your best friend and his fiancee are being jerks.  They are being incredibly hurtful toward your gf, and to YOU, and aren’t being very considerate of your feelings.

Here’s a thought – with you being in the wedding party, and your Girlfriend not being in the wedding party, I don’t see how her presence at their wedding will even impact them in any way.  She won’t be around all day when you and the guys are getting ready.  She’ll be sitting at a guest table – not at the head table where you’ll be likely sitting, and the two of you won’t even really have time together until after dinner, when the B&G are likely speaking with other guests, dancing, drinking, whatever.  What does it even matter to them if she’s there?  They won’t interact with her at all, and you’ll at least be able to have your Girlfriend there…

If this had happened to my husband and I, he would have refused to go to the wedding.  I would have made the same decision if the situation were reversed.

You need to have a frank discussion with your best friend and tell him how his actions have affected YOU.  Don’t even bother getting to how they have affected your Girlfriend…they don’t care at this point.

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