(Closed) best man problems

posted 6 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Our honor attendant on that side (also long-distance) was having some personal problems throughout the planning process that made them really terrible at answering the phone, returning emails, sending things when they needed to be sent. A few times we ended up going through their partner to make sure everything was OK and to get the info we needed. We were concerned about this person’s health and happiness as the first priority, but it also stressed me and my husband out quite a bit. We even went so far as to (discreetly) notify the “next in line” groomsperson of the situation in case they needed to step up for the day. In the days leading up to the wedding, however, my husband and this person were able to have a heart to heart and assess the situation, which was actually a bit better than we’d feared. My husband got to have a bachelor party and the honor attendant did everything required very competently — even above and beyond in some cases. I don’t know for sure how the weirdness during the planning process has affected their relationship long-term — but that’s not really my problem or my business, you know?

Everyone is different, though. Your FI’s brother may flake the whole way through. But DO NOT insist that your Fiance pick someone else. This is a part of the wedding that he should have 100% control over (even if he isn’t making “the best” decision in your eyes). You are over a year out, which is a LOT of time for “guy stuff.” Try to relax, let your Fiance handle his relationship with his brother, and see where you are in a few months with things. You have a lot of time both for things to improve or for your Fiance to make other plans.

Post # 4
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds more like you have BIL/SIL problems than Best Man problems.  Yes, it’s nice if/when the Bridesmaid or Best Man throws a stag party (it is kind of expected, but not written in stone) and is actually around, but really, his duty is to get his tux, go to the rehearsal dinner, show up the day of and hold onto the rings, and to sign the marriage license.  Ideally he should also give a speech at the reception, but I’ve been to a couple weddings where no speeches were made.

If you’re worried about the bachelor party, call or e-mail the Bridesmaid or Best Man.  If he won’t answer, leave a message.  Say you’re wondering if he has time to plan the bachelor party, and if you don’t hear otherwise from him, you’ll ask one of the other groomsmen to do it.  And then have one of the other groomsmen do it unless he calls you back in a reasonable timeframe and says he can and will take care of the stag.

As to the rest of your (very valid) vent it really doesn’t have much to do with him being Best Man so much as being a jerk to his family.  It’s clear that FSIL’s priority is HER family, so he should step up and make sure his family is treated with at least as much respect.  Was there a fight in the family or something that would make him be distance himself from the family?  If not, your Fiance and/or his parents should call or write and ASK if there is something they’ve done, if so, what they can do to repair the relationship, and tell him that they are being very hurt by the lack of contact with him, his wife, and their son.

ETA: DO NOT tell your Fiance he needs to pick a new Best Man.  If he comes to that conclusion on his own, that’s one thing, but unless his Best Man did something truly awful, you don’t get much say in it.

Post # 5
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Tough spot. However it is your Fi choice and I don’t think you have right to make him change his best man just like he doesn’t have the right to pick your maid of honor. If you want to help him maybe discretely telling other groomman being that bm oot they might have to pick up some slack. I don’t think they will mind.

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