(Closed) Best Mans Children not invited

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

Well, it’s within his rights not to have children, and it’s within your rights to drop out as Bridesmaid or Best Man. It does seem like there was a miscommunication, or maybe he thought your children were invited but his Fiance hadn’t agreed to that.

If you don’t feel you can be best man, let him know ASAP.

Post # 3
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It wouldn’t Be wedding without some drama. For the bride and the groom not to include your children – rude. From the perspective of the bride and groom they don’t want to invite children however there are certain children that must be invited by family Ties Etc and the bride and groom feel the need to draw the line somewhere. Unfortunately, it looks like they are drawing the line at your children.

I understand that your wife is insulted I would be insulted as well. Take some time you and your wife to gather your thoughts and actually speak to your friend and his wife. If you guys have been friends that long I’m sure they will understand. They may or may not change their mind but at least it is all out in the open. If you feel that you can truly not be the best man because of this terrible inconvenience to you then please let them know as soon as possible. Or you can just suck it up for one day. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Post # 4
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

[content moderated for baiting]

Post # 5
Member
4496 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First of all, don’t take it personally, because it’s not personal. There are a lot of reasons people don’t invite children. They probably havea cut-off age, like 18 — it’s really expensive to pay for everyone;s kids, and they are just drwaing the line where they can. Again, not personal. 

You will just have to decide whether it’s still feasible for you to be there. Options: 

1) you attend by yourself, leave wife & kids at home

2) you attend by yourself, bring whole family, wife and kids do something else while you are at wedding

3) you & wife attend, leave kids with a sitter/family member

4) no one attends, you all stay home

If it were me, I would certainly still attend as Best Man for a friend of 40 years, if at all possible, whether by myself or not.

Post # 6
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

If you feel you need to decline attending, due to this issue, feel free to do so. Unless you can fully share in the joy of your friend’s wedding day, I’m sure it’s better for all concerned if you don’t go.

By The Way, my daughters were doing mother’s helper work at 10 and babysitting by age 14; they would have been perfectly capable of staying alone in a hotel room, at the ages of 11 and 15.

My family has been hosting adult weddings since the late 1960s – when I was in the 10-12 range. My daughter’s wedding was 21 and up; the venue charged the full adult rate ($175), for all guests 13 and up, and for those 12 and under, who wanted the adult entree. It was an easy decision to make.  

 

Post # 7
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I fear i may never understand why anyone would get so offended by not recieving an invite for their children to a wedding that they would consider not attending. I understand that you find it frustrating that only certain people have been invited to bring their children. However, it’s their day, not yours. I’m sure they probably didn’t not invite your kids to spite you. They’ve just decided they don’t need too many kids there, and that’s ok. Kids tend not to appreciate weddings. To be frank, I think the proper thing to do, having committed to being in the ceremony, is get a damned sitter and go, because 1: recieving an invite to a wedding is an honor, as is being asked to stand with the groom, and 2: it’s pretty selfish and immature to demand they invite your kids, unless there’s some reason why the kids absolutely MUST be there. 

Post # 8
Member
4496 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
2XMOB:  Yes, good point; at 11 and 15 they totally don’t need a babysitter! 

I would just bring the whole family, go to the wedding with your wife, and leave the kids for the night. They’ll have more fun on their own, anyway, watching tv & ordering food or whatever. 

Post # 9
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

My brother in law and his wife boycotted my daughter’s wedding, because their kids weren’t invited. They didn’t even have the courtesy to RSVP and never sent so much as a congratulatory e-mail. When the SIL saw my daughter, the following year, she tried to apologize (she had been actively fishing for an invitation to my 2nd daughter’s wedding, for 7 months), but she ended up lying to her – twice.

The groom’s side was fully understanding; his family weddings are also 21 and up, which is extremely common around here. 1st cousins were either 22 and up or 18 and under – no families were split. My BILs family is the poster family for a narcissistic sense of entitlement; they had a nanny, the couple travel by themselves, the Brother-In-Law travels for business by himself, etc. I’ve never met their younger child (13 this year); my daughter/the bride had met him only twice, at the time of her wedding. We all had a fabulous time without them.

Post # 10
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I agree that you should still bring the kids along! Make a little vacation out of it. The night of the wedding leave them at the hotel. He’s been your friend for 40 years, I wouldn’t let this ruin it. 

Post # 11
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

He should have made it clear from the beginning, that was wrong but other than that, there is nothing wrong or unusual in not inviting your children. They are well above the age of exclusively breastfeeding!

Do you or your wife never go out or socialise without your children? Do you take the school holidays off work to avoid leaving them with other people? If the answer to either of these questions is “no” then ask yourself why you can be arsed to make alternative arrangements for your children on these occasions but not on the occasion of the wedding of your best friend of 40 years. 

How many wedding guests do you reckon have children? It’s probably quite high, if they were all invited,  your friends would be spending $120 + per head for a lot of bored children, many of whom they have no relationship with, to attend their wedding, while cutting real friends and family due to budgetary constraints.  

Children always think they will enjoy adult parties and weddings but the reality is lots of sitting around being quiet (hopefully) during a ceremony, then lots of standing and sitting around while adults make boring speeches and talk to each other. 

Also your children may know how to behave thenselves but I bet your friend knows family or friends’ children who can be guaranteed to race around during the ceremony, lick the icing off th cake, dominate the dance floor and strop when they are bored, all while their parents carry on drinking and chatting/ occasionally say “Riley, stop that!”/ look on proudly at their little characters stealing the show. How do the couple discriminate? 

Lots of children at a wedding often means lots of guests leaving early to get them to bed, and conscientious parents not really letting their hair down and enjoying themselves because they rightly have to see to their children. 

I think your best friend and his fiancee have chosen to host their dear friends and family in the way they believe they will most enjoy themselves. You can’t please everybody.  Either you value him enough to go along with it gracefully: their wedding; their rules or you lose the friendship. 

You and your wife presumably had the wedding you wanted, perhaps with children at the heart of it, but this is their day. One day. Or if you are travelling then a couple of days. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Drizzle.
Post # 12
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

Unless you are immediate family, I don’t see this as much of an issue. They may have had to leave children off due to space constraints or for whatever issue.  My fiance and I are inviting children of immediate family only to our wedding and thats due to ceremony space constraints and budget though we would make exceptions if someone had a newborn or fairly young infant.  Your kids are old enough that they should be able to stay home for a night- why don’t you look at it as a kid free date night?

Post # 13
Member
47419 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you are old enough to have been friends with this man for 40 years, you are old enough to know that many events do not include children.

You can still take your children with you if the wedding requires travel, if you so choose. They are old enough to spend an evening on their own watching movies and having pizza.

Your reaction is frankly very juvenile.

Post # 14
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee

I can completely understand your opinion. When you talked to him, he basically said they were invited. Then suddenly, after making plans, you get the invitation AND he says “oh well, I knew they weren’t invited”. That’s HIS fault. He should have said from the beginning they weren’t invited. I’d feel the same way. 

And for those justifying the guy not inviting them, that really isn’t the main point. It was more the fact that he was told it was child friendly, therefore alluding to the kids being invited, and waited until asked to say “oh yeah, no kids are invited”. Why didn’t he say no kids were being invited when asked if it were child friendly? 

Post # 15
Member
7955 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’ve attended dozens and dozens of weddings and very few of them included children. Discussing the child-friendliness of the hotel isn’t an invitation for them to attend a wedding–won’t they be just fine with your 15 year-old as babysitter while you and your wife attend the ceremony? You can always cut out of the reception early…

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