(Closed) Best Mans Children not invited

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
3323 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t get why people are insulted when their kids aren’t invited to everything. Your kids might be the center of YOUR world, but believe me, they are NOT to everyone else.

Post # 17
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee

I just don’t undersrand why it would have been so difficult for the guy to say “it’s child-friendly, however we will not be inviting children to the wedding”. Generally, if someone asks if a place is child friendly it is because they would like to bring their children. If he could have said that, it wouid have cleared everything up. Sounds like he was going to allow them to come, Fiance said no and he didn’t bother to say anything (to his best man of all people! This isn’t just a random guest) until asked. I don’t even have kids but I could understand that. 

Post # 18
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If I’m understanding OP correctly, the biggest issue isn’t that his children aren’t invited, it’s that his friend pretended like they were (or certainly didn’t correct what he knew to be OP’s assumption that they were) and then feigned innocence about it when asked. Perhaps OP would’ve made other arrangements or left the kids at home if he knew they weren’t invited. That was pretty rude on the groom’s part I think, but not a friendship ending move.

Post # 19
Member
14165 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Did your friend actually tell you that your children were invited or did you just assume because he also told you the hotel was kid friendly? The latter would have been presumptuous on your part. If your friend says he informed you that this is an adult’s only reception either you misinterpreted what he said or he initially misrepresented that kids were going to be invited, then either forgot he ever said that or backtracked.

Bottom line, it was a miscommunication of some sort. When these sort of things happen it’s generally a good idea to give a friend of 40 years the benefit of the doubt.  It’s perfectly appropriate of the couple not to invite children of friends, including when the children of  family will be attending. Drawing the line at children of family members is very common and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

Post # 20
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Luckily an 11 year old and a 15 year old should be able to be left without a baby sitter. 

Post # 21
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

It’s not personal. It sucks that you thought they were invited but perhaps at the last minute, they weren’t able to invite them due to budget constraints or guest numbers. At 15 and 11, they could easily stay in the hotel room alone, stay at home with a babysitter or with relatives, etc. At those ages, they’d probably rather not attend a wedding, anyway.

I dont think this is any reason to not attend. You and your wife are being a bit dramatic. 

Post # 22
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee

Again, I think it was just more the fact that after booking a family room (which he asked about) he feels like he shoud I have been told before making arrangements (I’m sure a smaller room would also have been cheaper). Possibly travel already paid for? Maybe they’re flying and already bought plane tickets? 

I still stick with what I’ve been saying about how the groom should have said no children when he booked the room. Or called and said “just wanted to let you know that children aren’t invited”  

Post # 23
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry, OP. I wholeheartedly agree with people who think boycotting a good friend’s wedding because your children didn’t get an invite is dramatic. It’s not a child’s birthday party that your children were purposefully left out of. It’s a wedding and, as such, not terribly child or teenager friendly, necessarily. Oftentimes, children get left off the guest list–it’s the bride and groom’s preferences and budget that drives this and, as such, is not personal to not wanting your children there, specifically.

I understand that there was a different expectation set up front and that the initial news that your kids AREN’T invited may be a bit of a bummer, especially from a convenience standpoint. But they aren’t and I’m willing to bet it’s not because the bride and groom wanted to slight you and your wife.

Again, like other PP’s say, unless you and your wife are helicopter parents or there are disabilities involved, children of this age can be left without a babysitter at the hotel room so that should solve any convenience/logistics problem for you.

Trust me…it’s not a big deal. All you will do by making a big deal of it is succeed in damaging a friendship. Is that the hill you want to die on? Let them have their day.

Post # 24
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
futuremrsc2016:  I think I may be the only one here doing so, but I agree with what you are saying. And I’m saying that being a person who is generally anti-kids at wedding. Unless we are misunderstanding, there seemed to have been a conversation about the wedding and children between Bridesmaid or Best Man and groom. Plenty of opportunity to say, yes, the grounds are kid friendly which is great, but we are limiting the number of children, so just so you know in advance, yours won’t be invited. Or something like that. It seems very strange to have a discussion like that and not be clear. I think that’s on the groom. So I do understand BM’s disappointment. And that is the issue – the unclarity and the disappointment. I can understand if groom may have tiptoed around a conversation with someone else, but this is his Bridesmaid or Best Man – he had no reason to not be clear about who was invited, and that would have cleared it up so no feelings were hurt. Again this is his Bridesmaid or Best Man, not a distant cousin here.

I believe that is the issue at hand. I agree with everything else regarding comments of not making a big deal about it, and that not all kids are invited. It’s true and PP should swallow any disappointment because I’m sure he cares about groom after being friends for so long. Not worth an argument. All agreed. I am just saying I very much understand why Bridesmaid or Best Man would be confused and his wife hurt. This is the Bridesmaid or Best Man and if it’s more than just a few kids, they are obviously making exceptions. Yes, their exceptions to make – 100%, but it’s hard to see why the Bridesmaid or Best Man would not have received more info.

PP – if you are still with us. If you can change the room to a non-family room, I’d do so. If you can’t, one of the other posters said, bring the kids anyway and have them have a movie night in the hotel. They are 11 and 15 – they will love it!

Post # 25
Member
14165 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
KLC216:  

“Plenty of opportunity to say, yes, the grounds are kid friendly which is great, but we are limiting the number of children, so just so you know in advance, yours won’t be invited.”

The friend claims he did tell OP. And all OP said is that “kids” were discussed all along, not which kids. It’s very possible that OP assumed and that the talk about the hotel room was meant to be related to a place for the kids to stay when travelling with their parents. 

Post # 26
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
weddingmaven:  Absolutely fair point you make. It seems we are going on limited information. Without knowing exactly what was said and how, we probably can’t understand what truly went on. Only thing for sure is that if groom indeed did say that BM’s kids were not invited, perhaps he didn’t say it clearly enough, for why would Bridesmaid or Best Man be so certain they were if he was told otherwise.

Post # 28
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why can’t you leave them at the hotel? Who cares that its 20 miles away from the church, a 11 year old and 15 year old should be perfectly fine watching tv/on their phones for a few hours.

Honestly I think a 11 and 15 year old would be fine alone for a weekend at home.

Post # 29
Member
3323 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
fiver:  Agreed. Again OP, you are being dramatic and trying to make this a bigger issue than it is. If this truly offends so deeply that you will kill a 40 year relationship for it, then fine. But realize that is pretty over the top!

Post # 30
Member
14165 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
martinward7:  

It seems you did make some pretty big and presumptuous assumptions. What do you consider “not just close family?” If cousins or other family members, but not friends, once again this is a very typical and acceptable division. Best man or no best man, they probably don’t want to open a can of worms by inviting kids of friends. That is perfectly proper.

If you are saying there are kids of many other friends being invited, then I can understand being a bit puzzled or even hurt, depending on the relationship and the situation. But you said there were just a half dozen families involved, so I doubt it.

Unlike PPs I do understand why you don’t want to leave an 11 year old or even the 15 year old 20 miles away in a hotel room by themselves. Not all 15 year olds can be trusted to watch an 11 year old sibling. For that matter, not all 15 year olds are trustworthy on their own.

Despite the age of the older one, you could ask the hotel about a bonded and insured sitter who would be there for the younger one. I have a number of friends with kids this age who still do this. The older child just does his or her own thing at home. Alternatively, do they each have friends with whom they could stay?

I think you ought to talk to the groom and explain your misunderstanding and the current child care dilemma. Maybe they have local suggestions. 

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