Post # 1
Hi Hive, (sorry ahead of time for the long post!)
So my fiance’s best man, his best friend since they were nine, would like us to invite his mother to the wedding. The problem is that growing up, his mother did a lot of terrible things to him and consequently neither my fiance nor my fiance’s mom have ever liked her or felt comfortable around her. I’m not crazy about her either; I constantly feel like I have to put on a smile and be polite to her although I don’t like her. So we don’t want her to be at the wedding. We’ve kept it small, just our closest friends and family. When the Bridesmaid or Best Man asked about her mom being invited I tried the "Well we really are trying to keep our guest list down and we won’t be able to" approach. He then offered to pay for her to go! (Which really bothers me, I don’t like it when people assume our wedding is like a club, where you have a cover charge and they can pay for whomever to go). I then told him that since we won’t be inviting some of our other friends’ parents I didn’t want other people wondering why his mom got invited and not theirs. He said that it’d really mean a lot to him for his mom to see him up there as our best man, and that she really cares about us, etc.
Short of just telling him that we don’t like his mom, what would be a good way to handle this? Am I wrong in not wanting her there?
Post # 3
Ouch, tricky situation. Seeing as she wants to "see him up there", would it be possible to have her come for the ceremony and not for the reception?
Post # 4
No, you’re not wrong. None of you feel comfortable having her there because she did some awful things to…the Bridesmaid or Best Man I assume? It wasn’t completely clear. In any event, you’re not obligated to have her at the wedding. She is only connected to the Bridesmaid or Best Man, not to you, and in my opinion the only people you’re obligated to invite to a wedding are your own family, and frankly doing awful things to your son would sort of lift that obligation in my opinion.
I would tell your FH to talk to him, if he’s closer to him. I don’t really know how honest you sould get–the Bridesmaid or Best Man almost certainly would not take the truth very well, and from what you’ve written it sounds as though he hasn’t really confronted the awful things she’s done to him. It might be best if FH kept the focus on you all and what you want for the wedding–it’s really important that only YOURS AND FH’s close friends and family be there. That’s the wedding you want. Be understanding of his feelings but stick to your guns.
Post # 5
It is not wrong at all! This is your guys’ wedding not some award show her son’s in…"He said that it’d really mean a lot to him for his mom to see him up there as our best man," The nerve of some people! I really don’t know how you’d handle this. How far away does she live? Maybe the distance will keep her from coming. If it’s not in your heart to invite her then don’t.
I too went through this situation. My FI’s younger sister took me aside to ask if friend A and friend B were invited. I told her that we finalized our guestlist and that their name wasn’t even on the B list. She said oh… well they were just wondering because they would love to see my Fiance get married. Friend A and B are his sister’s friends NOT his or mine. Well a couple days later she came up to me again and I used the whole "Well weddings are expensive so we want to keep it as small as possible" She then told me that she will pay for thier meals PLUS their BFs meal. WTF?!?! So not only does she want us to invite her two friends but now she’s allowing them to bring dates??? This is coming from someone who struggles to make her car payment every month! I even told her a ridiculous amt that we’d have to pay per head and she was ok with it. And like you said NatiSylv this is NOT a club!
How I’m handling it: I DO NOT talk about the wedding to her anymore. Kind of sucks but that way we’ll avoid the subject. I have already addressed the invites so I’m taking charge of that. I had originally asked her to help me to put the invites together and seal them. She’s too selfish anyways so she hasn’t asked yet if I needed help.
Keep us posted on what you do. Good luck!
Post # 6
Umm – No. Tell him there will be lots of pictures, and you will make sure he gets some to send to his mom. If you were having a big wedding it might be different, but since you’re having a small one – close friends and family – that means YOUR close friends and family (not to include close friends and family of the wedding party and all the guests). I assume that you are not inviting the family of all the GMs/BMs? I wouldn’t get into a discussion of how much and whether you all like his mom; I would just tell him that you’ve thought hard about the guest list, and while you appreciate his desire to have his mom there, it’s not possible to add her.
I agree with NorCalBride – I’ve also had people say "We would love to see you get married." That’s nice, but it doesn’t obligate me to invite you in any way. And you are even less obligated to invite someone who apparently just wants to see their son all dressed up.
Now, if he was your 6-year-old ring bearer, you would have to invite her. But as a general rule, if he’s old enough to drive himself to the ceremony, he doesn’t need his mom along.
Post # 7
I feel like I say this a lot on these boards, but I would lie and avoid bad feelings.
Tell him your venue has limited space and that if you added parents/friends/children of guests it would put you over the limit. So, even though it’s difficult you’ve made a clear policy for everyone- regardless of whether or not they would pay.
I think Erica’s idea of allowing her at the ceremony might be a good compromise. You won’t notice her because you and everyone else will be focused on the ceremony. You’ll just say hi on the recieving line (if you have one) and she will have gotten to see her son.
I think you are right to be annoyed. I HATE when people do the ‘I’ll pay for her’. As if you were cheap, or did not have a say in who attends your wedding!
Post # 8
my friend is flying into town and staying with his cousin for our wedding. he asked if his cousin whom i have met once (and did not particularly enjoy the company of) could come – he felt bad leaving him out. i tried to tell him nicely that we wanted to keep it to a small and intimate wedding but he didn’t seem to get the hint. finally, i had to be very clear and explicit about the conscious decision we made to invite very few people and how we had to cut out a lot of our good friends so if we were going to include even one person, it would be a good friend, NOT his cousin whom we have met once.
he was a little offended that i was so blunt about it – but i say that’s his fault for being so dense and not getting the hint when i tried to say it nicely. he even jokingly said "my cousin promises to dress up like a girl so that he looks like my date. NOW can he come?" sheesh.
Post # 9
I liked the suggestion of welcoming BM’s mom to the ceremony but not the reception. If you think you’d be comfortable with that, tell him something like, "I would feel really awkward inviting your mom to the reception, since I didn’t invite any of the other parents of the bridal party members and I don’t want to cause hurt feelings. But if your mom would really like to see you in your tux, please let her know that she’s welcome at the ceremony."
Or, if you really don’t want her there for any part of it, promise him that there will be lots of photos and you’ll make sure his mom gets the best shots of him in his tux.
Bottom line: you don’t have to admit you don’t like his mom, just make it about being fair to the other groomsmen and bridesmaids.
Post # 10
Thanks everyone! I think I’ll just have to stick to my guns and have my fiance talk to him. Inviting her to only the ceremony would be odd to me, since she’d then be the only one in the whole wedding not going to the reception.
Emileee and NorCalBride, sorry you had to go through similar things! I’m glad it worked out.
To complicate things a little more, I do have one friend who’s parents I’d love to invite, though I’m not inviting any other friends’ parents. They’re great and I really feel like they’re more like our friends than our friend’s parents, but I’m conflicted because I don’t want anyone turning around and asking, how come they got to come and not my parents?
Guest lists can be so frustrating!
Post # 11
A: Way weird he’s this needy for his mom to be there…just a bit odd to me. I’m sure it’s not a weird Mommys Boy thing, but odd indeed.
B: I don’t think that you have to keep making excuses. Just say, you understand the importance to him, however this is your guys’ day and while the offer to pay is nice, it not about money. You answer has been no twice and he’s being rude and pushy in his continuing to ask. Let him know you’re sorry, but the answer is no.
As much as you want to ease the no with some other info, you shoulnd’t really have to say anything but that.
Just be firm, stick to it.
Post # 12
You don’t need to make excuses for your guest list. If you want to invite friend’s parents who are like friends to you, then do it. You can’t have your wedding based on what other people think – there is always going to be something that someone doesn’t like. If he (rudely) asks you about why they’re invited, say "because it’s my darn wedding and I wanted them there!"
Post # 14
We just went through the same thing, but with a bridesmaid wanting her parents to come. The problem was that for space reasons, we had to cut a lot of close family on my side. We did invite the parents of everyone else in the bridal party, but we didn’t realize that until it was pointed out to us – a month after the invites went out! We invited the other parents because we know them. This caused a lot of hard feelings between my family and my fiance’s family. I think that you can tell your best man that when the time comes for his wedding, his mom will see him dressed up in a tux, but that if his mom is not somebody close or special to you and your fiance, then they don’t really belong there. Making the guest list is stressful enough without other people (who are not the bride or the groom) inviting who they want to be there to see them dressed up. This is your wedding day, not a broadway show. If they want to see him in a tux, they can help him get ready before the wedding.
Post # 15
I agree totally with JMA19. Invite who you want, and don’t justify it to anyone. Tell him you’ll be glad to send his mother a video afterwards!