(Closed) Best Way to Bring Up Sensitive Issues…Like Weight Gain

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 1
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been dating my SO for a year and some months now.  When we first started dating he had an amazing body.  Really well defined abs, toned arms, just looked fantastic.  He used to be really into rock climbing and liked to go to the gym and lift weights and all that.  But since we started dating, like a lot of couples, he’s stopped going to the gym all together.  I go more than he does now and I barely go at all.  As a result, he’s gained some weight.  Not a lot, he really doesn’t look that different and still has a good body, but he’s a lot less toned and gets sad about it all the time.  I see him almost every morning looking at himself and sighing and mumbling something about if he could just lose some fat and regain his muscle.  It seemed to really bother him and I admit, it kind of bothered me too.  I don’t want us to stop taking care of our physical appearence just because we’ve found someone, I don’t want us to feel like we need to stop trying.  So I started inviting him to go along to the gym with me, but that has…well, it’s backfired.  He gets annoyed every time I ask him and says “I’m tired” or “I worked all day” or “I’ll definately go tomorrow” and he never ever does.  On weekends it’s the same thing even though he only works during the week.  It’s been so long since he last worked out and yes he’s been sick and yes he’s been tired but I’m getting concerned, not only about his appearence but because he doesn’t have near the amount of energy or confidence he used to.  He complains about his appearence all the time and always seems so tired…I’m worried.  I want him to have the same kind of energy he used to when we first started dating and to feel good about himself and…yes I admit it, I don’t want him to stop caring about his appearence either.  I still try for him.  In fact I’ve been trying harder to try and set an example.  I’ve been eating healthier and been walking to school instead of taking the bus and I’ve actually lost weight since we started dating but that hasn’t been working.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.

So today I asked him again if he wanted to go with me and he got up and started stomping around looking for his gym shoes.  I asked him what was wrong and he yelled at me that I was always nagging him and he just wanted me to leave him alone for once.  At that I got really upset with him because I’ve been trying so hard for him, not only with keeping up my appearence for him but also with cleaning the house and running all the errands and spending my whole Friday off getting the entire apartment spotless and doing load after load of his laundry as a surprise for him and he hardly said anything about it.  So I got mad too and told him I hardly asked him to do anything so if he wanted me to leave him alone he could just leave so he grabbed his keys and left.  Not the best way to handle it I know…that’s why I’m asking y’all for help.

Bees, I know weight is a really sensitive issue and apparently I really suck about how to bring it up.  What would y’all do?  What am I doing wrong and what could I be doing to change this?

Post # 3
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Maybe he’s depressed? Some men go through the same thing women do when their bodies go downhill because of lack of exercise and eating the wrong things. It’s hard to get motivated when someone else in the household has the energy of the energizer rabbit and you just feel so blah all the time. I would just ask him gently if he feels okay, start the conversation there, and ask him if he feels like going for a walk in the neighborhood… start it slow, and make it fun, and maybe it’ll kick start his gym regimen again.

Post # 4
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@happyface:  I was wondering the same.  I’m not a doctor but he sounds kind of depressed.

Post # 5
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

He is depressed.  He’s been seeing a counselor for a couple of months now and well…that’s another issue.  Personally I hate this counselor and I think he’s making things worse.  Something bad happened to him as a child that I won’t go into here but he said he’s been wanting to deal with those repressed emotions and so he started seeing a counselor.  Every time he does he comes back incredibly sad and he tells me he’s stressed out whenever he has an appointment.  This guy focuses a lot on dream interpretation and brings up a lot of really painful memories for him and he comes home so sad and emotionally drained every week and I just want to punch this guy  he’s seiing in the face.  It’s also around the time he started seeing the counselor he stopped going to the gym alltogether, although he was going less and less from the time we first got together.  Lately I’ve been gently bringing up the idea of maybe trying to find someone else because this guy just seems to be making him sadder and he flipped out, saying that I ididn’t understand and he needs to confront this and of course it’s going to make him sad and this guy was awesome and the last thing he needed to do was stop going.

 I do think his depression is connected with not going to the gym, but that’s the thing! If he would go he’d have more energy and might feel better!  I loved seeing him when he got back from a workout because he was so happy and full of energy, I miss that 🙁

Post # 6
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Dizbee:  try comming at it as supportive for him….not that you dont like that hes gained weight, maybe there is another issue behind him not going to the gym, do NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER, come at him like it is just because its him “being lazy” ask him if everything is ok, if something is bothering him do not focus on his physical apperance, maybe he has more on his mind than the gym…..and instead of you harping about his weight maybe he needs you to be supportive and say something like ” you seem unhappy lately, you used to be happier when you worked out all the time, is something bothering you, do you want to talk about it, i just want you to be happy”….because honestly comming at him with only talking about the gym and how he needs to go, maybe making him think that you are a superficial nag….( i know it sounds harsh, but seriously i have alot of guy friends and they feel those pressures too)…..maybe he hurt himself and is trying to be tough about it, you dont know just please dont assume the only reason he is not going is because he is lazy….how would you feel if the roles were reversed??? you would probably be really upset and think the only reason he was with you was your body….

just remember, that if you think this is the guy for the long haul, maybe relax about it, its not like he is suddenly morbidly obese and his health is in danger that is different….but if its just a few extra pounds, that is nothing, and it maybe due to something else entirely….not he just gave up because he is in a realtionship

and also remember that when he is 60 he is not going to have rock hard abs, and after children you may not be in peak physical condition, so try and be nice about it, beauty and the physical fade with time, and if you are constantly nagginghim about a few extra pounds, it maybe comming off way wrong, like all you care about is that he looks hot,

try approaching it as, “hey you seem kind of upset and sad lately, why….” not get off your butt and go to the gym….

i am sorry if this reads as kind of harsh, but i think alot of it needed to be said, try and be supportive of THE WHOLE relationship not just his physical apperance he may be hurting and you are so focused on the fact that he gained a few pounds than the actual issues….if the situation was reversed everyone would be calling him a shovenistic asshole, just see if there is more behind it than settling in to comitment, he may be intentionally not going with you even though he may want to just to prove a point with you harping on him about the physical, guys have feelings too and he maybe struggling and thinking, wow what a classy gal, im clearly depressed and all she can focus on is my weight….just try and support him and not focus so much on the physical….

Post # 7
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Dizbee:  and the point of therapy is to deal with those emotions, thats the whole point is that he deals with them…..not continue to repress them which can make them worse later on, he needs to deal with them, its not the counselor being a douche, that is what they are paid to do is to help people deal with issues, and its rough and it sucks, and if he was a really masculine guy before he maybe for the first time in his adult life feeling like its ok to help him be voulnerable, and that he doesnt have to portray this super macho fasad, just support him through this because dealing with child hood trauma and having someone nag you about weight gain is probably compounding the problem and adding to the depression….maybe go with him to therapy….but that is the point of therapy for him to deal with it and to get better,so support him this is the worst time in his life to be nagged about something as stupid as abs….let him deal with this and then focus on the physical….

Post # 8
Member
3555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t know if it is possible for you to contact the counselor or not. But maybe you could call him and tell him about your concerns for your SO’s behavior at home and ask him if there is anything that you could do at home to help your SO get through this rough period. Also the counselor might support the idea of exercising to combat depression and him mentioning it to your SO might go over better that you talking to him about it.

Post # 9
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeahhhh I wouldn’t force this issue. He clearly knows he has gained weight and wants to lose it. He will find his motivation eventually. I know you mean well but it’s too sensitive a subject to really go at without seeming like you’re not attracted to him which will be a big blow to his ego.  If he wants to go to the gym with you, he’ll let you know.

Maybe he hates the gym (my FI does, and has gained 40 lbs since we met and now trying to lose it).  However, he loves playing bball and has signed up for a bunch of different leagues to play 5 days a week and it’s worked for him. While he’s at bball I go to the gym (sometimes!) Maybe you could encourage him to find an activity he enjoys other than the gym (the gym sucks, lets face it!)  Or, you guys could join a social sports team (where I am from, they have co-ed social leagues for flag football, dodgeball, kickball, etc.)  It’s a great start at least to get him moving, and you guys can do it together and meet new people!

 edit – just saw the depression piece. I think yes going to the gym or working out in some way could help with his depression, however nagging him (or anything he perceieves as nagging him about his body) will also add to the depression. 

As someone who has gone through a traumatic event, your mood definitely gets worse when you start seeking help for it. Before, you were repressing it stuffing it down pretending like it didn’t happen, naturally when you start talking about it all the time you will be more emotional. It will pass as his therapy progresses.

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