best way to cut contact while leaving the door open for future reconciliation

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016


I was at a concert last summer and at the end of his performance the performer said “Keep those close to you who genuinely care about you….Love those who love you back”…I totally agreed with him..I thought I’d share those words with you…

Post # 4
3235 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Even though it hurts thinking about not having him in your life anymore, it’s best to cut ties completely. When my ex-bf and I broke up, we’d been on again off again for 4 years. We weren’t engaged, but we’d talked about marriage often. We both realized that we’d grown over the years to want and expect different things out of a relationship, so we ended it. We loved each other, but we knew it just wasnt working no matter how badly we wanted it to. We cut ties completely and it sucked at first, and i often had to leave my phone in different rooms just to stop myself from texting or calling him. It got easier as time went on and I stopped worrying about “us” and started caring about what was best for me. 

It sounds like you and this guy have tried to make things better, but you can’t force someone to be something they’re not. Tell him he’ll always mean something to you, but for now you really need time to yourself. I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 5
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I just think of that quote that says “We accept the love that we think we deserve.” Is this the kind of relationship you feel like you deserve? If it’s not and you think you deserve better, you should tell him so and end contact. He’s broken up with you 3 times, that doesn’t make for a good foundation for a relationship now or in the future.

Post # 6
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It could be several things: character issues, commitmentphobia, his extreme anxiety issues or inability to be decisive, or it may be a severe inability to cope with making big decisions together as a committed couple…

or it could be that he straight up does not want to be with you. this isn’t a phase, he has repeatedly broken up with you – move on for sure. 

i know that sounds so harsh – but sometimes people come up with elaborate excuses to avoid the simple truth that’s staring them in the face – he has told you multiple times in words and actions that he doesn’t want to be with you. believe him. 

Post # 7
317 posts
Helper bee

@incognitobee3: you could tell him not to contact you ever again unless he is fully ready to commit to marriage (as in willing to elope that day or has a ring and a date set). If and when this time finally rolls around, hopefully you’ll be over him by then and have moved in. I’m sorry this is difficult but it just seems like he doesn’t want to be involved with you romantically anymore. Whatever you do please don’t get pregnant – my friend went through this exact same thing with a guy and got pregnant to keep him and he is a shitty deadbeat dad and although he wants nothing to do with her she won’t leave him alone so he’s trying to fight for custody of the kids to get child support out of her. It’s sick . 


Post # 9
3235 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He likely keeps contacting you because totally ending it scares him. You’re safe for him because he knows you’ll always be there as a fallback. You deserve so much more than that. Don’t you want to be with someone you KNOW loves you instead of someone who can’t commit?

Post # 11
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@incognitobee3:  Even if you want to have a friendship with him, you can’t start it right away. You both need space. Threre are too mnay emotions and hurt feelings floating around – and if you still have feelings for him, it’s going to be a knife to the stomach, and twisted, if you see him with another girl. This is the time to be selfish and think about you… what YOU need. What YOU want.

Evetually, if you make your way back, you make your way back. But right now, move on, don’t waste time waiting for him.

<3 and healing to you.

Post # 12
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would cut off contact with him and try to move on as best you can. You may find in 6 months – 1 year that you are much happier with who you are and you may have met someone that complements you better than your ex-fiance. Especially if it’s a healthier relationship.

Post # 13
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I really think if you leave the door open for contact, you will only be open to more pain and heartbreak. Please, don’t do that to yourself. I have always felt that exes are that way for a reason. You already let this man dump you multiple times. He is treating you  like you are disposable or renewable at his option. Do you just want to be an option?! I think you deserve better… Move forward in your life and shut that door. You bring up stories from other bees, but I have heard many stories, myself included, that involve  women who are very happy to have moved on and met someone waaaayyyy better! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Post # 14
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with prior posters who’ve said that you need to make a clean break with this guy. 

I would tell him that you don’t wish to be hurtful to him in any way, but you are moving on with your life and that your relationship with each other appears to have run its course. 

Explain that there is just no need for any further contact between you, and, that, honestly, any additional contact would only be detrimental to you both. Tell him that you wish him well in life and hope that he is able to find happiness but that it’s just not possible for the two of you to continue to play any role in each other’s lives.

Post # 15
180 posts
Blushing bee

@peonyinlove:  +1

@incognitobee3: In the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, there’s a chapter called ‘he’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you” – it’s on my bookshelf.   I think you should read that chapter at least.  Anyway, does it really matter *why* he doesn’t want to be with you?  The point is he doesn’t.  Not to be harsh, but it’s not even that he’s just scared of the institution of marriage, it’s just that he doesn’t want to date you, period.  Yes, he does still like/love you to some extent, but whatever feeling it is, it’s not *enough* to sustain a healthy relationship.

 It’s easy to make excuses for his behavior, and I’ve done similar in the past, so I am definitely empathetic, and why I seem to be so harsh because I remember needing that advice myself.  

Maybe there’s the rare case of a guy changing his feelings in the distant future after not liking a girl enough in the beginning, but wouldn’t you want someone that didn’t need forever to see how wonderful you are?  And it won’t work out that way as long as you’re secretly hoping for more – he’ll definitely sense it.  Anyway, I hope that you get the strength to move on with no contact.  

Post # 16
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@incognitobee3:  the reason for him keeping one foot in the door is because he is afraid to be alone and move on. It’s a weakness on his part. Not evidence of deep abiding love for you. 🙁

ETA: A friend’s ex did this to her for 4 years. They lived together. He doubted the relationship for a long time and she would convince him to stay or he would come crawling back if she stayed away, only to dump her again. The man had no spine. He would even bitch to our guy friends about her, but not dump her.

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