- 5 years ago
My ex-fiance recently ended our relationship. Last year he cancelled our wedding and spent the whole year since then in extreme cold-feet, commitment-averse mode, even despite many couples’ counseling sessions and unproductive discussions. He’d get really cagey, defensive, and adversarial when talk of commitment/timelines came up. He ended our relationship on three occasions total. It could be several things: character issues, commitmentphobia, his extreme anxiety issues or inability to be decisive, or it may be a severe inability to cope with making big decisions together as a committed couple…but he kept pushing me away. He was not ready for marriage, and that recently turned into not wanting to be in a relationship with me anymore at all. During our latest reconciliation, he was the textbook definition of wishy-washy and ambivalent. I never felt like he was fully committed or that his intent to marry me was really there after our initial breakup.
He didn’t outright say “let’s just be friends”, but he seems to want to continue to communicate with me, at least on a superficial level. I don’t want to let him have his cake and eat it, too. At the same time, while I know should probably angrily tell him never to contact me again, part of me hopes he will grow up someday (maybe years from now) and things could work in the distant future, provided there was some miraculous sea change inside of him and his feelings towards me (while unlikely, I still do wish things were different between us). None of our relationship conversations were productive when we were together or broken up, and he was holding me at arm’s length emotionally both on a daily basis and in counseling, so I don’t think continuing to talk would suddenly result in some deeper connection. I think he wants to keep me as a superficial friend while he explores other options.
I’m in a difficult dilemma, because I’ve heard several bees tell of these situations where the guy eventually stopped freaking out and came back fully committed years later, or that by staying friends and keeping in contact that the relationship eventually grew, rekindled successfully, and resulted in marriage. That is what I would hope for, but I understand it’s unrealistic in the short term. On the other hand, I do think that not being in contact is the best thing for me, because although I love him, I don’t want to be just friends or be used as his emotional tampon. I can see myself not being able to heal and move on by staying in contact. However, he has a big ego and is a bit of a narcissist, so I don’t really want to bare my soul to him at this point, especially after so many rejections. It may be wishful thinking that he’ll someday “snap out of it” and be the person I fell in love with. I just don’t want to be a schmuck by going from fiancee to girlfriend to just one of his buddies.
Any ideas on how to tell him we should stay out of contact, while leaving the possibility of committing to me open? Without making myself into a revolving doormat? I received some advice to tell him that we shouldn’t keep in contact anymore unless I change my mind and contact him first, but the thought of never speaking to him again seems so bleak and unbearable. Part of me knows I shouldn’t even want to speak to him again, and part of me legitimately hates the idea that I’ll never see or speak to him again. I’m not sure I want to leave the ball in his court, either, though, because then part of me might keep holding on hope that he’ll someday contact me to really reconcile for keeps. Help…