Post # 1
So here is my concern,
My bestfriend and I are both getting married this spring. It has been so much fun planning and sharing this experience together.
We also have been talking about babies and how wonderful it would be if we get pregnant the same time, our children growing up together, going to school together.
Here is the problem, due to medical conditions (PCOS) her and fh are expecting to have difficultiies concieving. They have been NTNP for several years with no pregnancy resulting. I know she really really wants to have a baby, she says that she is not getting her hopes up but i know that she is hoping to get pregnent this year.
So I am scared. FH and I will be trying after the wedding and should we be lucky enough to get pregnant right away what this will do to her? She knows my intentions are to start trying but I just don’t know how she will feel when that time comes.
Our friendship means so much to me. Is there anything that I should do or should know that will insure our relationship is not damaged?? I know she will be happy for me but I am scared. Anyone else with PCOS, been in that situation? or Friends of someone with IF problems??
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
She will likely be disappointed if you get pregnant first but it really shouldn’t change your plans with your husband. When you get your BFP find a way to break it to her gently and give her some time to digest the news before making it a big deal in front of her. Other than that, try not to complain too much about your pregnancy in front of her because she will probably react by saying she would rather have awful pregnancy symptoms than deal with her issues TTC.
Who knows? You may also be in the same boat and have trouble conceiving. Then she might serve as a comfort or at least someone who understands what is going on.
Post # 4
I have PCOS, have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years with no luck. While my best-friend got pregnant (a year into us trying) on her first try. I was happy for her but I was depressed about my own situation at the same time.
I can honestly say that I could not be the best friend I wanted to be for her. I couldn’t talk about the pregnancy all the time and I would get upset when she would say “I just can’t believe it happened so quickly” etc.
Now I would never tell her that these comments upset me and I never took anything out on her or acted any differently towards her; however, I did need my space from the whole topic.
I think being aware of her feelings, which you obviously are because you are posting this, is the best thing to do. And if she needs space, let her have it.
Post # 5
@FMM: Thanks. That would be the reaction that I would expect. That would be how I would feel if I were in that position. I know that I am really getting a head of my self here but should it happen how would you suggest I tell her. It would be the kind of news that I would like to tell her in person, but I thought that if she will have some feelings of sadness that maybe over the phone would be better, that way it would give her the privacy she may need if she is upset.
Post # 6
@missstarling: My girlfriend told me over the phone but she does live on the otherside of the country. She will be happy for you when you tell her and if you include her in the announcement such as “you’re going to be auntie BFF” I think it will make her even happier.
I feel like it would have been better if we were together in person, maybe I would have been more present. For instance, when she told me I had an out-of-body experience where I was watching myself talk to her with over-emphasized joy that was attempting to mask my own personal struggle.
So I think I will vote for in person! Although, if you do tell her in person be prepared for a less than enthusiastic response as well. I am sure she will be happy for you but if she is having a bad personal struggle day (for example maybe that morning she took a negative HPT) your news may trigger some negative emotions!
Post # 7
I agree with PP, but also remember that this is your best friend. It’s not like you are fresh out of high school, had a one night stand and ended up witha bun in the oven. YOur friend sounds fully aware that your intentions are to TTC shortly after marriage as well. I say IF you are lucky enough to have an easy time at conception to just enjoyn it. I’m sure once she gets over her hurt/disappointment, she’ll still want to be there for you. As a friend. WHo knows, maybe when she switches from NTNT to actively TTC that she might be pregnant before you.
Post # 8
I have been the BFF in this situation and in my experience she will be disappointed for herself but very happy for you. It is actually easier to take over something like a text first. I have had in person and via text and my in person reaction was a little silly and over the top to try to cover up the feeling you get inside at something like this compared to being able to let it sink in first. If you want to do it in person maybe when you are going to catch up you could send her a text saying “I have some really exciting news to share with you – can’t wait to see you” – this would let her prepare herself for the news – I know a pregnancy announcement would be the first thing that I would jump to in my head if I got a msg like this.
Post # 9
I told my BFF since age 12 (we are 30 now) who has PCOS, endo and some other stuff. She was super excited and when I “really” checked in with her she asked me if I had heard of Clomid and I talked about what I had learned in these forums about it and the success rates and she seemed pretty upbeat and optomistic. She’s a really good frien so she will be just fine.
Post # 10
Others have already given great advice, so I just wanted to add my support for @Novella: s suggestion to drop a hint before you see her. My BFF did this accidentally when I rang her one night and she was tired and exhausted for no real reason,I just knew it was morning sickness and had a chance to prepare myself(we’d been trying for about 10 months by then and she knew how hard I was finding it). She had tears in her eyes when she told me, but at the time I was completely happy for her and her husband. I absolutely bawled my eyes out that night though! Just be sure that you find someone else to whinge about morning sickness and the things you miss eating/drinking too 🙂
You sound like an awesome friend though, so I’m sure you’ll get through this fine!
Post # 11
@missstarling: I personally have the same situation (my Maid/Matron of Honor and close cousin has been trying and trying with unexplained infertility) and my Fiance and I are going to try to conceive right before/after the wedding. She’s already been through one other person (SIL) getting pregnant and having a baby since she started trying to conceive, so I’ve witnessed her emotional struggle throughout that. Your friend will obviously be happy for you, and you should tell her just like you would tell her if she weren’t having fertility issues. It’s more the time AFTER you tell her that I think matters. Try not to become consumed with all things pregnancy and baby and remember to try to keep your relationship like it was before. DO NOT complain to her about your pregnancy, if you can help it. I think it’s also important to keep in tune to her – she may not say she’s sad, but you might notice she’s acting differently, etc. So try to watch for triggers, etc. so that you can avoid upsetting her.
Post # 12
I agree with PP, but just wanted to say that I have PCOS, and I had thyroid cancer, and I got pregnant onour first try. Everyone is different, and I expected to have difficulty conceiving, but that wasn’t an issue for me. Just be sensitive to her if you do get pregnant first, and even if she does get pregnant first, don’t be upset about it.