(Closed) Bestfriend/Bridesmaid just cancelled due to work!

posted 11 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

im sure she would be there if it were possible but she seems to have worked so hard for this job. you cant be upset with her for picking her job over your wedding. just be understanding with her. its not her fault because of how the school district decided to start the year. maybe they will change the start date later and she can still make it you just never know.

Post # 4
44 posts

Your friend thought she had an approval and that the first day of school was the day after labor day, not 9/1. It’s too bad she didn’t get an actual approval rather than assuming no answer meant it was okay. Can you forgive her for her mistake?

Your friend must feel horrible about all this. Imagine having to decide between your best friend and your job. Especially when not getting a contract after her first year of teaching would likely doom any chance she would have for getting a job in another school. I don’t see her having any option other than going to work.

Your options seem to be having the wedding without her or changing your wedding date. Yes, I know it’s basically impossible to change the date now. Just like she can’t change the date school begins.  Good luck.

Post # 5
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m a teacher and I know that it is very, very unlikely that I would be able to go to a friend’s wedding on a week day in term time, even if it was my best friend and I was a bridesmaid. I was allowed a weekday off for my brother’s wedding, but my school views family and friends as different.

It is unfortunate that she didn’t have the term dates before you set the wedding date – I know mine 18 months to 2 years ahead (pressuming I stay in the same area for work).

Post # 6
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

First – I’m so sorry. What a terrible feeling and definitely not something you need at this point in planning your wedding.


Your best friend clearly messed up in terms of not obtaining the actual approval prior to RSVPing, but try to imagine how badly she must feel. I know it’s terrible for you, but the decision for her must have been pretty bad too. Again, I feel for you, but I agree with Jeni4Peace, you have two (less than ideal) options – move forward with the wedding now without your best friend or change the date. Your wedding will be wonderful no matter what.

Post # 7
7321 posts
Busy Beekeeper

She messed up, but clearly did not intend to have to miss the wedding. Lesson learned on her part, never assume anything is set in stone until you get verbal or written permission.

That said, you can’t blame her for picking her job over your wedding. And you probably shouldn’t have said hurtful things either, given that now she’s stressed out about her job and already feeling horrible for missing your wedding. Be a true friend, apologize and move on with your planning. It’s not like she went out of her way to blow you off, it was just bad communication all around.

Post # 8
3189 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your friend made a mistake in not talking to the principal sooner (not that it would of made a big difference, they would of just told her no sooner), but in the current economy teaching jobs are very hard to come by, and a new teacher can very easily lose her job over something like this. Please don’t be hurt or hold it against her.

You’re doing a lot of comparing about what you did for her wedding and say you wouldn’t of missed it for anything, but let’s doa  reality check here – if attending her wedding would lead to you being fired, yes, you would of missed her wedding. Now your friend is in a terrible situation where she either loses her job or has a best friend who is very angry with her. She’s basically in a lose-lose situation, and as someone who knows how difficult teacher’s schedules are, I feel for her. We’ve had to cancel a couple of vacations because of changes to the school start day.

Post # 9
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Ugh.  That sucks.

You’re right, your friend definitely should have talked to the principal instead of emailing and should not have assumed his non-response was a “yes”.  But…as a fellow teacher, I’m pretty sure that even if she had gone and talked to him face-to-face, his answer still would’ve been the same.  Missing the first two days of school would be a huge deal, at least where I work…

I completely understand why you’re so upset but I don’t really know if being upset at her rather than just the situation is totally fair…It’s just unfortunate…I don’t think not inviting her to other bridal events is a good idea because it sounds like she has been a great bridesmaid otherwise (helping plan, etc)…

I know it’s hard and you’re emotional but this seems to me like a case of bad timing and not really the bridesmaid’s fault…I’m sorry tho, I would’ve been devastated too!

Post # 10
1127 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

She tried. Teaching is not a regular 9-5 where you can just take off days when you want to. (No offense 9-5ers). But she tried to contact the principal. It’s really his fault for sitting on the information all this time. Maybe she could have been more proactive in contacting him. But she didn’t. I’m sure she is sorry for that.

Do you know the state of teaching right now? It doesn’t matter if you’re credentialed or not. People are losing jobs everywhere. She basically had to decide between her income and a friend. That’s not an easy choice!!!

I know you are hurt, but you did you consider that maybe she was hurt, too? Did you ever get her feelings or impressions of the situation? I bet she was torn up that she did all of this work and won’t even get to be involved? Do you seriously think she wasn’t looking forward to the trip, too? And seeing her best friend married. I mean you basically wrote her off after all the work she did for your wedding…and she didn’t have to. She’s not even your Maid/Matron of Honor. As a bridesmaid, she wasn’t obligated to do all those things.

Honestly, I think you need to apologize to her. I know you’re upset, but you’re going to throw a friendship down the drain for a good friend that really tried to make this work…

Post # 11
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel terrible for you, but agree that you must apologize. My wedding is the second week of school, and my Maid/Matron of Honor is a teacher as well as one of the groomsmen. My Maid/Matron of Honor has a great relationshipnwith her principal, who grudgingly gave her the day, but it would have been impossible if it had been the first day of school, and she told me so when we were considering dates. The groomsman is stillnjot sure he can make it; if he has the same principal, it should be ok, but if it’s a new one, there’s no telling whether or not it will be approved. Its not so much a matter of asking early, because so much can change over the spring and summer. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. She must be very disappointed.

Post # 12
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Okay, you had an emotional reaction to the bad news. Understandable. But like other PPs have said, it’s not fair to hold this against her. She made a (small) mistake in assuming it was approved, but as soon as she found out otherwise, she let you know. And she only found out about the conflict in March; it’s not like she let months go by. Would you have been any less upset if she had told you this in March, which is the very first time she learned of the conflict? The facts are the facts, and as a first-year teacher, she can’t jeopardize her career for your wedding, as much as that sucks.

So… time to apologize, admit it was an overreaction to a sucky situation, give her a big hug and ask her if she would like to continue helping you with the wedding planning anyway. I am sure she is feeling just awful – doubly so because she knows how upset you are – and as a recent bride, she would probably enjoy helping even if she can’t attend.

Good luck – it’s not as bad as it seems right now, I promise!

Post # 14
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Everything Jeni4peace said is true; as a fellow first year teacher, I can identify with how frustrating the lack of job security can be. She definitely should have gotten his permission in writing, but like PPs said, she has learned her lesson the hard way. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but know that your friend sounds like she really supports you but just messed up!

Post # 15
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I was totally hurt when my Maid/Matron of Honor let me know by way of her partner (she didn’t even contact me herself) that she wouldn’t be able to make it to the rehearsal of spend time together on the wedding day b/c she had a work commitment.  She also left the reception early, skipped the activities that she had committed to attend the next day, and didn’t participate in any part of planning/celebrating leading up to the wedding.  I wanted her there to stand up with me, but when the reality of how limited her view on what that meant became clear, I was so hurt.  I got a card, again in the hand of her partner, afterwards and haven’t had a call from her since.  It sucks hugely to have one of your wedding reflections include wondering when my Maid/Matron of Honor stopped feeling as though she was my close friend and wondering if that was the last time we will do something together.

If your Bridesmaid or Best Man has been doing everything for you up until now and just can’t make for the fun part, you know she probably really wants to be there.  It really is way better though, if she’s not fully committed or can’t be for some reason, to have someone else that wants to share the whole thing with you be present on the big day.

Post # 16
3189 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m glad you took the honest advice so well. If you say to her what you said to us I’m sure she will be forgiving. And again, I’m sorry she can’t make it to the wedding.

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