(Closed) Taking out my moms cancer stress on my fiancé. What to do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

Take a boxing class. That always seems to help me when I need to get rid of some frustration and/or stress.

Post # 3
Member
10983 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

There are groups online & in person for family members of cancer patients.  Maybe it would help to share your anxiety with others in similar situations.  I know your wonderful Fi is very supportive but there is also something about talking to people who have “been there”.

Post # 4
Member
9518 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

The PP have given great suggestions! Get your frustration out punching a bag! I used to fill a bath tub and just scream underwater. The physical release helps. I can’t say much for the cancer. We all grieve differently. My mother had a brain tumor, she lived but at the time I compentalized. I had my world, then drove 10 hours every weekend to deal in hers. 

I feel like such an awful person saying this and maybe I’m wrong. Maybe postpone the wedding? You have so much stress. Deal with the family and celebrate when your mother is healthy again. I’m sure she wants to be at her best at the wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
9276 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
stefano101:  I think it is good to remember that your partner knows this is an unbelievably stressful time for you and is probably very understanding of that.

Aside from the stress releasing things pp’s have mentioned, especially the support groups, try yoga. 

Also I would talk to your partner. Let him know you appreciate everything he does and how much you appreciate the way he is so undestanding when you act out/get angry. Acknowledge that you know you are not being fair and that you know you are being irrational/ungrateful/insert appropriate thing. 

Also talk to him about your fears. Facing the news that treatment isn’t working is really really hard and you need him to help support you both emotionally and in everyday life. He sounds like he is already doing a great job but talking to him will let him know that and give him an indication of what more or less you might need.

Good luck and all the best to your mum.

Post # 6
Member
2732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

Would you consider talk therapy? The therapist gives you tools to deal with stress.

Post # 7
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

You gotta cut yourself slack for behaving abnormally in a totally abnormal situation. Your Fiance is being a wonderful partner and seems to be doing his best to support you and your family duirng this very traumatic and messy time. You cannot guilt yourself for the swathe of negative emotions you are (and will) feel right now. Let yourself be angry, withdrawn, tearful, whatever–just try to let him help you as often as possible.

It’s okay to lose your shit over something as inconsequential as the height of the beanbag board–just let yourself cool off, acknowledge that you’re dealing with a lot right now, and apologize appropriately. I promise your Fiance will love you at your worst–it’s part of why you’re marrying him. 

Post # 8
Member
7881 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your mom’s oncologist might have a psychologist or other resources available to help patients and their families with the emotional stress of cancer. 

Post # 9
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
stefano101:  I’m sorry about your mom.  

Print out what you just posted, and give it to your Fiance.

Maybe try to do some yoga or meditation. 

Cry or scream in the shower

Best to you, your fiance,  and your mom and dad.  

Post # 10
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
stefano101:  When my father was battling lung cancer, I took it out on my now fiance’ (then boyfriend). We just recently talked about it and I told him how I “blacked out” a lot throughout that year and he replied with, “Do you know how many times you broke up with me??”

I guess what I mean with this is – you’re not alone in how you feel. I kind of wish I reached out to others in my shoes and saw how they were doing, rather than bottling it up.

Yes, cry in the shower when you’re stressed. Exercize when you can to get your emotions out. And for sure, reach out to support groups (friends or professional). Remember, he loves you, but he also needs to be fair to understand your emotions are natural.

BIG HUGS.

Post # 11
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee

Relax, breathe and LOVE FREELY. You’re wound too tightly and you’re stressed because things are happening that you can’t control.

You have this awesome mom who loves you to bits and she KNOWS you. No matter what face you’re putting on for her, she KNOWS you’re approaching your breaking point and I’m sure she’s worried about you (more so than herself) so you need to get yourself in order to lessen HER stress and burdens. I guarantee you, no matter what she is going through, her #1 issue is that @stefano101 is good and will be ok. Moms are like that. Release her from that concern.

Your Fiance sounds like a hell of a guy – a real KEEPER! Sure the OCD stuff can be a pain in the ass but things need to be taken care of. Even with all you’re going through now dishes still need to be done, clothes still need to be washed and it’s WONDERFUL that he’s handling it all. You need to adjust your angle on that. What you’re doing is harboring a lot of GUILT because you feel YOU should be doing them so when he does them first instead of feeling grateful about it you’re going on the defense. He is doing the dishes because they NEED TO BE WASHED – not to say @stefano101, you’re lazy…you’re a slob…you’re not ok. He realizes you are otherwise occupied and because he LOVES YOU, he doesn’t want you bothered by little bits and pieces, etc… This is a GOOD thing. It’s a GREAT thing because it’s because YOU LOVE HIM that you feel guilty about not doing them yourself!! See the beauty in that?? (BTW…household chores belong to the HOUSEHOLD – not you 🙂 ) You’re throwing clothes on the floor because you are ANGRY. You think him doing the laundry is a dig on you. It isn’t. It’s him making sure the two of you have clean clothes to wear. Give him a kiss and pick up after yourself AT VERY LEAST.

I’m so so sooooo sorry about what’s going on with Mom. That disease is a bear to handle. Both my father and husband had PC and I understand all the helplessness and despair that comes along with. It’s like an infinite loop of hope and anguish and the days pass by you as a blur of torment if you let them. You have to saddle up and take control of those things you CAN control and things will fall in place around you. Take some small time for yourself. I do not care if it is 30 minutes. Fix your hair and makeup and look BEAUTIFUL when you see her today. Smile and let her know that you’re ok. You WILL feel better if you LOOK better. Put on a pot of food – doesn’t need to be fancy either…spaghetti is fine. Chopping things is therapeutic. Identify something in your home that needs taken care of and just do it. If the can is full, take the trash out. If the floor is sticky, mop it. You do not need to fix it ALL but doing these small things give you focus, order, and a sense of accomplishment.

Last but not least, I’m sorry I’m talking so much, things will be what they will be. And whatever that is, you’re surrounded with people who genuinely love you are care about you. Lean on each other now. Give a burden, take a burden. You are not alone and you’re going to be just fine. I promise. Bee hugs!

 

 

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