Post # 1
My FH is very close to his pastor who will be marrying us. The pastor sent me some ceremony templates to read over and decide what I liked. He sent me a ton of suggestions and ideas, but in every format there was a mention of marriage being only between a man and a women. I have an aunt who has been in a relationship with her life partner for longer than I’ve been alive. The 2 adopted 3 children together and are wonderful loving moms. I also have several friends who are gay and who will be in attendance. Regardless of whether I think they should or should not be allowed to marry, I don’t want the pastor to announce that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. I brought up the issue with FH who just kind of brushed it off and said not to worry. I really want FH to say something to the Pastor seeing as the two are so close, but FH seems to think that it will offend the Pastor. I’m just not sure how to handle this one…
Post # 3
I would just ask that it be omitted. He doesn’t have to compromise his beliefs and say otherwise, but your ceremony is not somewhere that you should have to compromise on something so important as a civil rights issue like that.
Post # 4
I would also ask for it to be omitted. Your FH may think that it is no biggie, but I’m sure it will sting a bit to your guests. If it offends the pastor & for whatever reason he refuses, I would personally find another pastor.
Post # 5
In my opinion I think you should ask that it be omitted from the sermon. Your wedding day is a day for celebration, not bringing up controversial issues that might offend people in attendance.
Post # 6
I completely agree that I want it omitted, but how can I get FH to ask?? The two are really close friends and I really think this should come from him and not me. He literally sent me 24 different sermon options and EVERY single one of them mentioned marriage between a man and a women. I feel like this would be more of an issue coming from me rather than FH.
Post # 7
Just tell your FI straight up that you want it removed and ask him to talk to the pastor. Im sure if he realizes that it means a lot to you that you dont want to offend any guests then he will oblige.
Post # 8
I agree that your fiance should talk to the pastor, not you, and I agree that it should be omitted from the cermony.
Maybe when you ask your fiance, try to think of it this way: on your wedding day of all days, during your ceremony of all moments, is NOT the time to sign on to something you don’t 100% believe in. A friend of mine who is a staunch atheist married a man with a devout Christian family, and his family insisted on a very religious ceremony. It was beyond uncomfortable to listen to her base her wedding vows on something that was meaningless to her, just to keep the peace with the in-laws.
Just ask your fiance straight-up. Tell him how important it is that your ceremony be a completely honest reflection of the two of you and your values. I’m sure your FH will understand and respect that!
Post # 9
Don’t ask, tell! Tell your FI this is important to you. He’s getting his way, getting the officiant he wants, so this is where he makes the compromise.
Post # 10
If your FI doesn’t want to talk to the pastor, why don’t you take the ceremony template that you like the most and tweak it and send it back to the pastor. Add some personal touches and get rid of the “between a man and a woman” part and ask if he could say that at your ceremony. It’s your ceremony, so you get to decide what is said.
Post # 11
I had the same issue (not with our officiant sending us the wording) but with that wording used in my ceremony.
When we met with our pastor – I basically said: Look, I don’t know if this will offend you or not, but I have issue with the ‘marriage being between a man and a woman’ wording and feel strongly about it not being mentioned.
The pastor didn’t have an issue with it at all – but, if he did, it could have opened up a conversation.
I think it’s very important for you to mention it to the pastor – imagine how mortified you’ll be on the wedding day if the pastor waxes on about it….
Post # 12
I stated this point blank to our minister (turns out I had nothing to worry about — he’s in a same-sex partnership, but this was before I knew that). I think I said something along the lines of, “I’m very sensitive to equal rights when it comes to marriage and I will have several gay friends in attendance, so it’s very, very important to me that the ceremony discusses the fact that marriage is between ‘two people’ and not between ‘a man and a woman.”
I think you should definitely come right out and say it – this is your wedding and should be representative of you and your beliefs. All the best!
Post # 13
I would definitely change it. I was at a wedding this weekend where the priest said “man and woman” multiple times and it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. One of the bridesmaids is a lesbian and one of the groomsmen is gay and they both brought their partners to the wedding. I couldn’t believe that the bride and groom had overlooked that part of the ceremony considering that they have very close friends that are gay. It bothered me enough that I leaned over to my fiance and whispered “…or woman and woman, or man and man.”
Your ceremony should reflect who you are and what you believe in. If you support your aunt and your friends then you should take it out or change it to say something more inclusive.
Post # 14
I would ask for it to change, for sure. Thats not something you should have to compromise on.
Post # 15
You can ask to have it omitted or reworded, but keep in mind that the pastor may feel strongly about this issue. I’m grew up in a church that was basically Baptist. If we were married by that minister, he would have had a huge issue with us wanting to change something like that because that church believes very strongly that marriage is only intended for 1 man and 1 woman. I’m not saying that I agree, just making you aware that it might bring up further issues.
Post # 16
I think it is important to get this resolved, and soon. As EvaBostonTerrier mentioned, it is possible that the minister feels so strongly about including this that he will not perform the ceremony without it. If that is the case, you two will have to think about whether you are willing to have him as your officant.