(Closed) Between a man and women

posted 10 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 17
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If it bugs you it shouldn’t be in your vows. If the officiant has a problem with it point this out, the people who it would offend would notice and remember it being said, where as very few would notice if it were left out. Meaning just because he is leaving it out ppl will not assume he is for gay marriage or against it.

Post # 19
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You could ask him to say, “between this man and this woman.” That might be a compromise. If he still says no, I would seriously talk to FH about having this person marry you. I understand they’re close, but if the pastor doesn’t care about your opinion while performing your wedding ceremony? That would be a huge issue for me.

And kudos to you for standing up for what you think it right.

Post # 20
2857 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

Honestly, this might be a dealbreaker for me. If my future husband didn’t agree with me on this issue and want to stand up to the pastor, I might not want to marry him. He should either insist that the pastor change the ceremony or he should be okay with getting a new officiant.

YOU should be more important to him and to his family than the pastor. Anyway, good for you for standing up for yourself.



Post # 21
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s a bit weird that the pastor won’t take your wishes into account. Regardless of his beliefs, it’s something that can easily be left out of your ceremony. It’s not like you’re asking him to make a pro gay marriage speech.

Our pastor had included something like “I’m marrying you today before God” in our wows. I wasn’t comfortable with this so I asked him “My fiancee and I come from different religions and faiths,  and my family and upbringing were very secular;  so we really prefer having a non-religious, non-denominational ceremony. I know you’re a man of faith so I really hope I’m not being offensive by saying this, but could we possibly omit the reference to God from our wows?”. This is what he wrote back “Please do not give this a second thought.  Yes, I am a man of faith, but this is your wedding, it should be all about you both and it will be. There is no problem with this, I will make the change.  You are a wonderful couple, wonderful people and I love and respect you both for who you are.” I thought he handled it very gracefully; and our wows were just the way we wanted them.

So I’m just wondering why your pastor can’t have this sort of understanding that it’s your day and it’s about you?

Post # 22
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

View original reply
@JenniMichele: I understand your perspective, but I also know that growing up in a conservative church, beliefs like this run very strongly.  The church does not agree with allowing people to make exceptions for issues based on “personal” beliefs.  In their opinion, the beliefs of a person should be based solely on the teaching of the church (and in turn the Bible).  I do not agree with this (I have a brain and would like to use it!), but that is the experience I had growing up.


@Ms. Charleston Pearls – I’m sorry you’re going through this.  My husband and I had an issue with the fact that our original minister felt that it was wrong for women work outside of the home after marriage (and especially after having children!).  This was something I couldn’t compromise on so we ended up having to find a new minister.  Good luck!

Post # 23
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Wow.  I’m honestly surprised your pastor responded like that.  What if you had wanted him to omit, for example, the word “obey” instead (which many people insist on omitting).  I’d have your Fiance try to talk to him.  If he really is such a good friend to your Fiance, maybe he’ll ease up once he realizes how impt the issue is to you. It would be a dealbreaker for me, but fortunately our friend married us, and I basically wrote our (nonreligious) ceremony.  

Recently, I went to a wedding where the couple had the pastor say something about how the bride and groom wish to acknowledge those couples who are unfortunately unable to get married (or something along those lines).  All you’re asking is for him to omit something that you’re understandably uncomfortable with!  I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁

Post # 24
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, I honestly wouldn’t be married by this guy. Did you tell your fiance about your aunt and how important it is to you? That is crazy insensitive of him if you did. Hope you can resolve this!

Post # 25
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

As a bride who is part of the LGBT community, I just want to mention how warm my heart is just reading the messages of tolerance on this thread.  The pastor is entitled to whatever opinions he wants, but if he insists on imposing that on every couple he marries, he will run into problems like these as society changes around him.  You can’t force him, and he can’t force you, to say or do anything.  I agree with the ladies who suggested you put your foot down – if you are uncomfortable, or fear that the ceremony will offend your guests, find a new pastor.  And don’t be afraid to tell him, kindly but firmly, why you are switching.

Love, peace, and equality!

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