Between a rock and a hard place with MIL

posted 1 month ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7763 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Woof – I’m really sorry, what a dreadful situation. I’m not sure what the solution is, but I don’t think I’d be keen on letting her live in your rental property. I’d be worried she’d allow serious damage there due to neglect that would end up costing you $$$$. 

I know you said you don’t want to give her money, but I wonder if contributing a set amount toward her rent for a place that is not your own might be the best solution, if you can stomach it? 

Post # 3
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Honestly I would try to get her into an assisted living facility that would treat her mental health issues and ensure that she stays on a treatment plan. This way you can be sure that she is in a sanitary environment and will also receive regular meals. I would not recommend just giving her money as I don’t think she would take proper care of herself. 

Post # 4
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

+1 for assisted living facility.  It will be a big financial burden most likely, but it will keep her safe, probably help her with some of her mental issues, and she won’t have to live with you and potentially try to manipulate your life.  Definitely do not give her money, and do not allow her to move in with you.

Post # 5
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I would look into adult protective services and support in your area. 

Post # 6
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I have been in pretty much this exact position with my own mother. I’m sorry you’re going through this, Bee. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, or need anything.

Bottom line, if you suspect serious/legitimate mental instability, I would not suggest opening your home to her unless she agrees to get help. You could be putting yourself (and your husband) in a very bad situation. Also, leaving the choice up to her relieves you of a considerable amount of guilt. 

  • If she agrees to get a psych eval, she can live in your rental property (assuming this will not put a financial burden on your family, and she does not need around the clock care). Furthermore, if she does not want to live with you/at your rental property, having the medical paperwork and diagnosis in hand would allow you to fill out the Medicare/Medicaid paperwork so that she can live in an assisted facility if the illness progresses.
  • If she does not agree to get a psych eval, you can help her fill out the paperwork for state assistance to find a new living situation, or help her find a job. I would not extend further help past that.

EDIT: I would not suggest a “nursing home” or rehab facility without Medicare/Medicaid. It is god-awfully expensive, at at the base level. The one my father went into after my mother tried to kill him was $400 PER DAY, without medications added on – not something anyone I know would ever be able to afford for any length of time. 

Best of luck. 

Post # 7
Member
4370 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Your best option is to get her into an assisted living facility. I don’t understand why that wasn’t listed in your OP as an option. 

Post # 8
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, this is hard. 

Does she want your help?  If she does, can you be the custodian of the money she receives? Basically, she agrees to deposit her check into an account that you administer without giving her a card to? You’d essentially put her on an allowance.  You may choose to add to the account if you see that ends won’t meet through no fault of her own.   I’d look into Section 8 and other housing programs, as well as food pantries. From what you’ve written, I can’t tell if she has very little money or if she also squanders the money she has.  Did she destroy her apartment, or was it a sh*thole from the beginning?   

DO NOT LET HER MOVE INTO YOUR RENTAL!  If you want to forfeit the income from the rental, it would be much better to continue renting it out and then use some of that income to assist Mother-In-Law if she needs it.

Wherever she moves next, you may want to set a budget you’ll use with your OH to help set up the basics for a kitchen, living area and bedroom.  This way, you’ll know you already gave her plates and cutlery, two sets of clean sheets, a bulk pack of toilet paper, bath/dish/laundry soap, stocked up a pantry with canned goods, etc.  She won’t be able to ask you for cash to cover those basic needs.

Post # 10
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

evilqueenkarly :  Yikes.  I’m not sure where you live, but in the US she might be eligible for housing subsidies, food stamps and maybe a small amount of cash benefits.  

Post # 11
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah i wouldn’t put her in your rental or your own home AT ALL. That is such a bad idea. Once she is in, you are well aware she can’t get any other housing so she would be there permanently. 

Look, I don’t want to sound heartless, but she did this. To herself. She had no retirement plan and guess what? No one else is her retirement plan. Not you, not her kids. Look at the resources in your area to get her government assistance and adult protective services. Because that is what she has to work with. You can lend support by taking her to those appointments and helping her complete paperwork but that should be it. Bottom line in my opinion is, your happiness and your life shouldn’t be sacrificed in any way to help her out of the hole she is in. Once she is dependent on you, your stuck with that until she passes. So do whatever you can to explore all the government options before you even consider personally helping her out financially. This happens to people all the time, there is a solution out there that doesn’t involve you being her retirement plan. 

Post # 13
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Are there local shelters she can stay at? If she does not want to seek help for her potential illness and living/financial situation, I’d explore the possibility of a shelter. Most shelters have social workers who could potentially provide you with more suitable local resources. 

Post # 14
Member
9071 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

if you are in the US.  Contact the Department of Aging.  Each state has one.  They will be able to provide you resources on what to do and even help you.  Most assisted living facilities have a waiting list.  You need something immediate.

Post # 15
Member
2406 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Idk. I’d be pissed if my kids got me evicted from my house & then refused to help me out, afterwards. I think that because she lost her house because of your interference, you really need to help her get situated. She’s only homeless because you got her home condemned. What exactly did you hope to accomplish with that? 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors