evilqueenkarly : If she let her previous residence fall into such a horrible state of disrepair, letting her live in your rental property is out of the question.
I would also be nervous about her making a mess of your house and you either having to stressfully clean up after her, or pay a cleaning service to do it for you.
I find it interesting that despite her being a Stay-At-Home Mom, your husband doesn’t have a relationship with her. Is there a reason for that? I would have an in-depth conversation about that with your husband, and consider what non-monetary stress she would bring into your home (i.e. drama, emotional stress, psychological distress). Also consider that she may not leave once you let her in – because of her age or laziness, or both, she may be unwilling or unable to work and you may end up deeper than you expected, for longer than expected.
I don’t mean to sound cold, but your husband would have a better relationship with her if he had the want or the ability. I’m guessing one of the two of them doesn’t want the other in his or her life, and probably for a reason. A man not having a functioning relationship with the woman who raised him sounds odd to me. I’m guessing based on the fact that he’s able to have a relationship with you, he’s not the problem. It sounds like she does have some serious issues, that even displace her own survival instincts. It sounds like she doesn’t care and you can’t change that.
I’m saying this because my mother is similar and I’ve had to lay down some serious ground rules. She has asked to live with me twice in the last 12 months. I had to give a hard no. I only let my mother stay for a week at Thanksgiving. Maybe I would be more lenient with her if she would honestly end up on the street and couldn’t actually function. But if she got to that point and dissolved her relationship with me in the process, I don’t know that that would make me more willing.
For me it’s always been me or her. Neither of us can be happy at the same time. The things that make her happy are unhealthy and unsustainable, which have always directly or indirectly put me in harm’s way physically, emotionally, or psychologically. The only time I’ve ever been happy is when I separate myself from her, and she can’t take care of herself. It has taken years to accomplish the balancing act we have now where we can spend a few hours together peacefully, but she is not in a good place. I know the only way she can be is if I help her, to my own detriment.
I’m sorry this sounds callous but if shes not a good mother or human being, he owes her nothing and he shouldn’t sacrifice his own emotional health and happiness and your marriage for her.
If living on the street isn’t enough to push her to take care of herself, nothing is, and you can’t change that.