Between a rock and a hard place with MIL

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
9096 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

evilqueenkarly :  does canada have something similar.  it is not government assistance but resources to help you find assistance . they would give you places to call who would meet the need, how to declare her unfit to care for herself, just suggestions on what options are available.

Post # 18
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

jannigirl :  absolutely not. She is a grown ass adult who irresponsibly didn’t save or plan for her retirement. On top of that she was living in an unsafe enviroment. THey did EXACTLY what they should have done and it is in no way their fault she was evicted. The decisions she made to live that way make her directly responsible for the situation she is in, no one else. They don’t owe her anything. 

You don’t treat your kids like your own personal retirement plan, or life saving device. THat is an extremely selfish shitty parent that uses their children like that. Kids are there to assist when their parents are good people, who have done everything right to plan for their retirement and just need a little support. Kids are not there to bail parents out when they choose to not be kind, or loving, people, who have refused to figure out how to financially support themselves. Absolutly not. 

Post # 19
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You would rather her live on the street? Ok. But just because she doesn’t know you were the one who chose to interfere with her living situation, doesn’t mean that YOU don’t know you did. This is why it’s not a good idea to interfere in other’s lives unless you want to be responsible for the outcome. Not having running water & having pests obviously seemed better to her than sleeping under a bridge somewhere. I work with many homeless individuals & they have a right to choose their living situation; but she didn’t choose this. You did.

Post # 21
Member
4022 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

ladyjane123 :  I understand your point but this woman very clearly has mental health issues, based on what OP says, but also based on the decisions she’s made. I don’t think anyone who is of sound mind chooses the living conditions OP describes. It’s all well and good to say people should be responsible for their decisions ,but when they are clearly incapable of making sound decisions it’s pretty harsh to harp on them. She is in obvious need of help, and while it may not be fair that OP is in any way responsible for helping, that’s just life sometimes.

OP, you mentioned you’re in Canada. Look into the Public Guardian and Trustee. Essentially, one of their services is to manage the finances of individuals who are incapable of doing so themselves. 

Post # 22
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

saratiara2 :  I get she has mental issues. That is exactly why retirement savings are so important. YOu never know what is going to happen when you get older and the kind of support you will need. She has never worked, she had 20 years to work and save but chose not to. And I personally believe that OP’s nuclear family is important enough that she should protect that. Its not ideal, and im sure its a guilty feeling to realize you simply can’t help her out. But its not right to have to pick up someone’s slack at the expense of your nuclear family. OP shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to help in bigger ways that will ultimately make OP’s life more stressful. 

That’s why I hope government assistance can help in this case. Hopefully OP can make calls, fill out forms, and help in that way. But she shouldn’t have to actually provide this woman with housing, or be her financial retirement plan. And if the city you are currently in is too expensive for her to afford? Maybe she needs to be relocated where there are services that can help her, in a city that is less expensive. 

And i don’t want people to think i am just against helping out your parents. My parents have planned for their retirement their whole lives, saved up, planned. My parents are very much in my life and wonderful loving people who have done a lot for me and continue to be amazing in my life. IF they got to a point where one passed and the other one was lonely or unwell and wanted to live with me and my family, i would totally take that on. Because that is a totally different situation. 

Post # 23
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Where I live assisted living costs at least five thousand dollars a month and is not covered by Medicaid. I do not think this is a solution to this problem.

Post # 24
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

What about helping her get into a small apartment or even a caravan/trailer park, something small and manageable.  But then, also, having her son (your partner) go around once a week and check on his mother, do any small maintenance jobs/make sure she has food.  It isnt much to ask really.

Post # 26
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

evilqueenkarly :  My mother is schitzophrenic and lives in a similar way you’ve described, and we have had to discuss the potential to take her in, so I know how you feel.

Do NOT co-sign a lease, or let her live in your rental.  She will live in squalor, the way she currently has.  You will end up financially responsible and who knows how much the cost will be.

Get in contact with your local mental health services and they should be able to provide resources on how to deal with this.  As PP have said, a facility is probably best, where she can be stabilised.  

Don’t forget, you are the bosses.  If she needs your help, it is on your terms, she does not get to dictate the rules. 

Post # 27
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

evilqueenkarly :  If she let her previous residence fall into such a horrible state of disrepair, letting her live in your rental property is out of the question.

I would also be nervous about her making a mess of your house and you either having to stressfully clean up after her, or pay a cleaning service to do it for you.

I find it interesting that despite her being a Stay-At-Home Mom, your husband doesn’t have a relationship with her. Is there a reason for that? I would have an in-depth conversation about that with your husband, and consider what non-monetary stress she would bring into your home (i.e. drama, emotional stress, psychological distress). Also consider that she may not leave once you let her in – because of her age or laziness, or both, she may be unwilling or unable to work and you may end up deeper than you expected, for longer than expected.

I don’t mean to sound cold, but your husband would have a better relationship with her if he had the want or the ability. I’m guessing one of the two of them doesn’t want the other in his or her life, and probably for a reason. A man not having a functioning relationship with the woman who raised him sounds odd to me. I’m guessing based on the fact that he’s able to have a relationship with you, he’s not the problem. It sounds like she does have some serious issues, that even displace her own survival instincts. It sounds like she doesn’t care and you can’t change that.

I’m saying this because my mother is similar and I’ve had to lay down some serious ground rules. She has asked to live with me twice in the last 12 months. I had to give a hard no. I only let my mother stay for a week at Thanksgiving. Maybe I would be more lenient with her if she would honestly end up on the street and couldn’t actually function. But if she got to that point and dissolved her relationship with me in the process, I don’t know that that would make me more willing.

For me it’s always been me or her. Neither of us can be happy at the same time. The things that make her happy are unhealthy and unsustainable, which have always directly or indirectly put me in harm’s way physically, emotionally, or psychologically. The only time I’ve ever been happy is when I separate myself from her, and she can’t take care of herself. It has taken years to accomplish the balancing act we have now where we can spend a few hours together peacefully, but she is not in a good place. I know the only way she can be is if I help her, to my own detriment.

I’m sorry this sounds callous but if shes not a good mother or human being, he owes her nothing and he shouldn’t sacrifice his own emotional health and happiness and your marriage for her.

If living on the street isn’t enough to push her to take care of herself, nothing is, and you can’t change that.

I’m sorry.

Post # 28
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

downonmulberry :  what you say is understandable. BUT the op/husband should never have taken the action they did without thinking through all the consequences.  As another poster above said, the m-in-law didn’t choose to be evicted (as shitty as her living situation was, she still had a roof over her head), the op/husband chose this for her. It’s not fair to put her in this situation and then say oh well she can live on the street. If the op’s husband has such a fraught relationship that he can’t hardly see her over 5years, then he should never have swooped in, presuming to make life choices for her. 

Post # 29
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

evilqueenkarly :  well you should do something because you guys put her in this situation. See my post above.

Post # 30
Member
1594 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Don’t co-sign. That’s just stupid. 

You can give her your rental, but not without making her sign something in front of a notary that includes regular inspections and maintenance regulations. 

If not that then give her resource information and let her on the street until she’s open to help. 

Orrr,… give her the option of moving somewhere much cheaper. Not the most expensive town in an expensive country.

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