Beyond frustrated…alone forever

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Totally understand how you are feeling and agree with a lot of the advice here. I had been single most of my 20s, had basically given up on men in New York and thought I’d be alone forever before meeting my fiance on a last-minute planned weekend vacation in Europe. I’ve since moved to be with him and we’re getting married next year. You never know where or when you might meet your person but you also have to be really ok with yourself and being alone through the process.

Post # 17
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

I have been there. As another OP said, my picker was broken. I think it was broken for atleast 6 to 7 years of my 20s.

I was so sick of dating either men who had no long term plans with me (but pretended to). Sick of cheaters, liars, deadbeats, non self motivated individuals. I was always… ALWAYS trying to force the wrong puzzle piece in. The red flags were sometimes staggering but I kept making excuses for these men. And I think this applied to my then “friends” too. By 26 Years old I was just so sick of it all. And quite frankly sick of myself. My negative attitude was at an all time max from being used and treated like crap for so long. I thought something was wrong with me… but the only thing that was wrong is I kept picking shitty men and friends.

I finally got so numb and told myself I was done. That I would die with just dogs and cats and that would be that. Atleast it wasn’t alone, right? So I bought a house for one old cat lady–me. And called it quits forever with men. And same with “friends”. Took a nice break and started to enjoy being home alone with my dog. And I did. Almost got too independent.

Then came along my now husband. My guard was up so bad I feel like I was just making up red flags in my head to not be with him (anyone for that matter). I guess he broke the vicious cycle. Just got married at 30 less than a month ago.

I learned to appreciate myself and stop letting a-holes into my life. I gained personal and mental independence. And the right man will see that in you when you do to. Like another poster said… the bad guys can see independence and your zero tolerance for the bull sh!t SHINE. 

Post # 18
Member
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

hickoryhills :  

Nothing at all wrong with buying yourself a house that *you* love.  It’s a great gift to you. No doubt, you worked hard for it.

So many women deny themselves too much, putting everything on hold , waiting for him to come along so they can finally start their lives.

Post # 19
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

sassy411 :  Fully agree with that concept, but I didn’t buy the house for healthy reasons which was sort of my point for the OP.

Post # 20
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

motogal :  this 10000%!

OP, I didn’t meet my Darling Husband till I was 32….it’s definitely not the end of the road for you! Work on yourself as PP mentioned and start getting involved in activities and hobbies, not to find a potential mate but for your own self development and just plain fun. Take a class, drop-in workshops, social events like wine tastings/cooking, etc. Do stuff that is out of your comfort zone or even things you might not necessarily be 100% interested in…..you’ll possibly surprise yourself!

Post # 21
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I was in and out of a few toxic relationships and when I turned 31 I finally accepted I may die alone.  I wasn’t even upset by it, I kept a smile on my face, decorated my studio apartment and kept going.  When I wasn’t looking and overwhelmed by it… in came my future husband.  Most unexpected relationship of my life. Enjoy your life now because you will not be alone forever.

Post # 22
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

So I’m just going to chime in and say I don’t think Montreal’s the problem. Because 1) I live here 2) I’m moving out of the country in a few months and looking for something casual and all I can find are long term dudes. I think this is a bit like when you are just browsing in a store you see all this lovely stuff, but try and go looking for something specific and all of a sudden everything is ugly and terrible and you can’t find anything you like. Both of us are looking for the opposite thing, and we’re both coming up empty, even though logically there must be a decent man out there for you and a fun fling for me. You’re doing all the right stuff Bee but like pps I would also suggest taking a break from dating for a minute. Also, Montreal is a pretty liberal city, if you view people who have casual sex as gross/disgusting that’s going to turn off a lot of people because it will come off as judgemental. I’m NOT saying that you have to engage in casual sex, or that it is okay for men to treat you badly, but if you’re wandering around thinking that all the men here are garbage, people pick up on it and that’s not a great vibe. Also try, if possible, to actually become platonic friends with men. It helps (me at least) remember that guys are human too, and just like women some men are looking for love, others are career focused, some are just having fun, etc. Very few are actively looking to hurt or trick anyone else, they’re doing their best to figure everything out and it doesn’t always work perfectly. Anyways best of luck!

Post # 24
Member
8163 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Pps have all said sensible and thoughtful things. I just wanted to add that all of you on this thread are young, by the sound. Under 40 is no time to be planning to die alone my loves. 

I can see that the biological clock issue is real for many, but apart from that don’t do old before you have to!

Post # 26
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Hey girl, I think I can related. I went through some insecurity of my romance life. But hey, what i learn from the whole situation is ” love yourself so other will love you ” 

I am 33 years old too and (was) desperately looking for a life partner who loves me and I love equally. 

Yes, often myself longing to that physically contact but trust me after all what I’ve been through I’d rather wait little longer that spend my life with the wrong one. 

I go out lot with friends ( social contact is good ), having dinner with them, or just movie or just BBQ at their place ( more chance to know new people ) 

I go to the gym like everyday, I set a goal to make my self feel good. ( another posibility to get to know people ) 

I love to do excursion- like kayakin, fishing, hiking or other thing that involve group of people ( other possibility to get nknow new people )

Go travel 

I do all I love to make me happy. I am working hard to make myself happy and of course work on plan such as if I would end up alone – well plan B, buy a house and adopt dogs. When I am old and no one take care of me – sign up for eldery house. 

I am trying not to set my goal to find a man to spend my life with, but right now I set my goal to make myself happy.

Post # 27
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

Hey, I can totally relate. But before you quit dating, you might want to read “Get the Guy” by Matthew Hussey and watch some of his videos.

I have tried it all – speed dating, Match, OkCupid, networking events. And for most of my late 20s (lived in NYC where it’s mostly guys not looking to settle down), early 30s, it got me nowhere. Awkward date after awkward date with the wrong guys and short-lived romances that went nowhere because they didn’t want more than just fun. I ended dating one of them for almost a year but it wasn’t the right fit and we both knew it and the relationship fell apart easily.

And then I took a break and worked on myself, read this book and did Matthew’s online program. I spent time meeting new people, hanging out with friends, working on hobbies and travel. When I got back into online dating again, I wasn’t meeting the right guys and was about to quit again when I cold-emailed someone who is now my husband. I didn’t even think it would go anywhere but he emailed me back pretty quickly and we stuck up a conversation. We went on a first date and he asked me out again two days later. I even questioned it at first when there wasn’t an initial spark (on my side) but to be honest, he is now my greatest love. I never thought this would be possible for me but now I’m so happy that I stuck to it and it makes up for all of those crappy dates. Another benefit of the program and book is you learn how to have high standards so you don’t waste time on guys who don’t live up to what you want. I have never been treated better by a man in my life. That’s how I knew I was with the right one.

Post # 28
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

Anyone who has been single for a long period of time has felt the way you do. That being said I would get off the dating sites for awhile and try outdoor activities. Try a hiking group, a biking group, etc. Many men are in these groups and it is a natural way to meet people and get exercise. Think of activities more men participate in. Learn how to golf, sign up for an introduction to boating classes. You will have fun and meet healthy men. You are still young even though you are tired of wasting time. I have concluded that dating sites attract many people who are perpetual shoppers but not really looking for a real relationship. Or just there for free sex. Keep moving and developing new interests. When you find the right partner, you will quickly forget about the relationships that ended. They weren’t meant to be. 

Post # 29
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

pinkglitter2017 :  I could have related to you a few years ago.  Before I met my FH, dating was worse then looking for a job.  I really wanted to meet someone, so I really jumped into the dating pool.  Up to that point I tried activities, volunteering and anything you can think of w/absolutely no luck.  There were prob 20 guys or more that I went on dates w/before I met FH.  They were the worst!  Only wanted sex, tried to trick me into sex w/sweet talk.  Keep at it and I promise there will be that one guy.  One suggestion, go out w/a guy who doesn’t seem like your type (not saying a slob or drug addict).  If they seem nice enough, give them a chance.  

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