Beyond frustrated…alone forever

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

There are definitely some creepy guys in my hiking Meetup group but the good ones far outnumber the creepy ones. If you don’t want to specifically join a Meetup group, then just look for general clubs/groups in your area that you can join.

Post # 32
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

pinkglitter2017 :  Oh wow, I was totally where you are not that long ago. The best thing that helped me is to expand my horizons. I definitely have a ‘type’ and it narrowed my prospects. I’m engaged to someone that I have turned down many, many times because as great as he was, I didn’t love him. It took a lot of growing up, some failed relationships, and especially one particularly toxic relationship for me to understand how amazing he really was, and that was when I fell in love. 

I think the best advice I could give is choose to respond to different men online. I used to date some really gorgeous men, but I found that the older I got the more douchey the gorgeous men were at worst, and at best just not a great match for me. However, I mistakenly thought that I could get the same type of guys in my mid-30s that I could in my 20s. The thing is, the guys I was going for where ALSO in their 20s then. In their 30s they are often getting fatter or balder. Be more open to the men you choose and try to date guys who aren’t immediately catching your eye but instead seem comfortable, fun, smart, or inspiring. You might have better luck then. 

Post # 33
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

strawberrysakura :  My thoughts exactly!  Don’t have a specific type, otherwise you may end up w/some jerks.  There were guys I wasn’t attracted to and even going on a date didn’t change my mind, but I gave them a shot.  Go beyond looks cause you may be surprised that you are attracted to them.  I’m not telling you to settle, leave your comfort zone of having a certain type.

Post # 35
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

pinkglitter2017 :  With your update, I’m thinking that you might be creating this problem for yourself. I’m actually going to suggest that you look for slightly less attractive men than you are, and revisiting the French vs English thing. 

Regarding attractiveness, hey I totally get it. When I was in my 20s, even though I consider myself to be fairly average looking I was able to date some absolutely gorgeous guys. I dated a few beauty and fitness models. My takeaway from that was this: our looks are primarily the box that all the wonderful things we have going on are packed into, and there are two types of attractiveness – what you are born with, and what you radiate. You can see people’s packaging online and it’s easy to focus on it, especially when there isn’t much of a profile to read. My advice – if there’s no profile, pass him by. He’s showing you that he thinks he can get plenty of women by looks alone. He shows no effort, and therefore he isn’t primarily interested in a relationship. If you are giving men like this attention it could be the reason so many of them seem to want sex only. The second type of attractiveness, what you radiate, is a lot harder to determine from an online profile. Look for pictures that show what kind of man he is, photos showing hobbies are great. Focus on men who show their personality through what they have written on their profile. Remember this – a less attractive man with a lot of personality and life is always more appealing to others than a conventionally beautiful man. But you will never know that appealing man if you are too focused on the outer package. 

Try this thought experiment, it helped me a lot. Next time you are somewhere such as a restaurant where there are a lot of different types of people, look around at the men and imagine who you would be interested in dating if you knew them in real life. For myself, I realized that there were a lot of men that I probably wouldn’t have looked at twice online that I would probably like in real life. When you are online it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing the levels of attractiveness of the men to each other, and we always want what we perceive to be the best. The less attractive men that you probably would be happy with in real life always get pushed to the side in favor of what we perceive as the hotter guy. So consciously look for the less attractive but interesting man and give it a shot. He is likely to radiate more beauty in person to make him more attractive than his photo online. 

Regarding your wanting English vs French, in a place like Montreal that is really limiting. According to your own stats you are removing 95% of available men simply because they speak French and have a slightly different culture. I’m not Canadian, but I can’t imagine that there is such a drastic culture change between Montreal and Quebec. It’s not like you are dating someone who lives in an indigeonous tribe and has a radically different lifestyle that might be difficult to adjust to. Dating is a numbers game, if you remove such a vast amount of the population you are left with 5% available men whom you also see as attractive. I saw a study once that said that if you show a man 100 women, he will be attracted to 80 of them. If you show a woman 100 men, she’ll be attracted to 20. So essentially you are considering only 20% of that original 5%. Can you see how limiting that is? 

So here are my suggestions for you in a nutshell, in case all of that was too much to read:

1. Only engage online with men who put some effort into their profile and write something that helps you learn about their personality. 
2. I didn’t list this, but only consider men who treat you well, don’t bring up sex into the conversation before you have even met, and who show effort and interest in getting to know you.
3. Consciously go for a less conventionally attractive man, knowing that there is an aspect of radiated beauty you don’t know about yet that could be a game changer. 
4. I didn’t mention this either, but try some wonderful men that other women might pass by – shorter men, men who are bald or balding. 
5. Open your heart to the larger population of men who fit the characteristics of your location. If you met the perfect man for you, likely you won’t care at all whether he’s French or English. 

Finally, a personal anecdote. I’m marrying someone who is not ‘my type’. He has loved me for years, and I consistently rejected him because I wasn’t attracted to him enough. In fact, I tried dating him years ago and I broke up with him. When we met up 6 years later, I fell for him completely. This happened for two reasons. 1. As he matured, he let go of some of the negativity and emotional issues he had and became more confident. He now radiates an attractiveness that I respond to. 2. As I matured, I re-evaluated what was attractive to me. I do have a physical type, but I’ve grown to find beauty in other types as well. Moreover, my fiance is intelligent, loving, respectful, funny, dependable, communicative, and fun. As a whole package, he is beautiful to me inside and out, and I am incredibly lucky to be marrying him. So it might also help you to re-evaluate the men around you whom you might have written off for one reason or another, and give them another look too. There are great people all around us, but sometimes we get caught up in other things and just don’t see it. 

Good luck!

Post # 37
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

pinkglitter2017 :  I think this part of being single is totally normal. Totally. I went through the exact stage but then I thought – is that the life I truly want? And it wasn’t. I don’t believe in everything ‘universe’ but I do believe that the more I thought about what I wanted, deserved and needed in my life, the more it was likely to happen. Weirdly, I kept thinking at night…I just want a man that is the male version of my best friend…please just sent that guy to me’ and I must have thought of it consistently for a few weeks. And then somehow that man has come into my life. It’s probably just a coincidence but I do think the more you believe in what you deserve and want the more it becomes a reality.

Plus my own life, work, family, friends etc was the best it had ever been because I had focused on them all totally. And now I’ve got a good balance.

Keep your chin up Bee, you deserve a loving partner and a future with the right person. Believe that. It will happen x 

Post # 38
Member
3333 posts
Sugar bee

I was in the same place as you at 33. I realized I might never meet the right guy. Or might not need him until I was 50. What would I do with my life until then? Mope around because I’m single? Nope. I did a lot of soul searching and realized I would have a happy and full life being single. But kept myself open to meeting men. I signed up for match (again) and took 4 months to add a pic to my profile. Once I did, the same type of douchey guys contacted me and ooops I went out with a couple of them. Same story as before. I then messaged a guy who seemed like a normal guy. He didn’t go to college (gasp! – I’m kidding). His pics weren’t he best so it was tough to see his face. We messaged each other and met for drinks right away. We walked up to each other in front of the restaurant and I was like omg he’s cute. We talked and I thought omg he’s so nice and interesting and smart . That was five years ago and I’m currently in our bed killing time waiting for our toddler to wake up. Hang in there, it can happen. 

Post # 39
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

pinkglitter2017 :  That’s a really good point about guys without anything in their profiles. If they can’t take the five minutes or less to write something that does say a lot

I did the Internet dating thing and that’s how I met my hubby. Honestly agree with that point. I stayed away from people with profile’s with minimal descriptions. To me it means they aren’t really invested and may be not looking for the same things I was.

My hubby sent me  several proper one page emails before we agreed to meet in person. He took the time to tell me about himself and ask me about myself in them. I appreciated it and showed me he was serious about finding a serious relationship with long term commitment. It also showed me that he was thoughtful and valued the same things I do.

I was also emailing back and forth with another guy at the same time. He was an engineer on a mine site who did 4 weeks on and 2 weeks off. We were going to meet up on his 2 weeks home. He was also a good communicator. He had a thoughtful profile and would sent me thoughtful emails with content. I ended up going out with hubby and it got pretty serious with him quickly so I didn’t end up meeting up with this guy in the end. Ironically this guy ended up marrying a family friend who was also on the dating site. Hubby and I went to this guys wedding a few years later and he is as lovely and as decent as he came across in his emails with me. He and his wife seem as equally happy and in love as hubby and I are. 

My point with all of this was to say that as a tactic when Internet dating, it is definitely a smart move to consider content or lack of content in a profile. People who are probably looking for something serious and are looking to attract a like minded person with the same goal will put in the effort to create an attractive profile that tells a little about themselves. The way in which a potential date communicates with you before a date is also a great indicator as to what they are really after or looking for. Pay attention to stuff like that and you should hopefully end up with better dates.

Good luck OP. I do also agree that taking time out from romantic pursuits will probably be beneficial for you. You seem really dejected and not in the right frame of mind to be attracting the right type of people towards yourself or even being able to spot the right person for you. 

Post # 40
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

pinkglitter2017 :  “Another element of frustration is living in Montreal 95% of the profiles are all French. I want an English partner (ideally not from Quebec due to the drastic culture changes but my last ex was a Quebeccer so there you go….)”

If you are screening out ~95% of men in your area because they are French Canadian, then there is one of your main issues. You are going to have to revisit the English vs French thing or move to an area where there are more English people. 

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