Bf doesn't want to talk timelines

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

yupmarried :  That is fearmongering, and totally uncalled for. Also OP’s SO is 12 yrs older than her…it’s a gap but it’s not a crazy one. Any of us could find ourselves widowed at a moment’s notice…there are no certainties in life.

baygull :  I was rooting for you until I got to to this line: “He also said he feels like us continually talking about the logistics and timing of everything feels too transactional, and like it’s taking away some of the romance.”

I hope he understands that the reason you brought this up isn’t because you’re obsessed with logistics…it’s because you need to know that he’s on the same page as you about where the relationship is headed. This is not you controlling how he proposes or what venue you choose for the wedding or even what time of the year you get married in; it’s you needing to know that the man you’re planning your future around is taking the relationship as seriously as you are. It’s not an insane request. 

I also find it really weird that he made this passive aggressive remark given you had already mutually agreed you’d be having this discussion once the trip to see his parents was over.

I’m not saying this spells doom for the relationship…just keep an eye on it and don’t feel like you can’t continue to check in with him if time goes by and you have a feeling he’s stalling or not on the same page as you. You deserve to know where you stand with him. It doesn’t make you a logistics obsessed control freak to want to have open and honest conversations about the matter from time to time.

Post # 49
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

The title of your thread says “Bf doesn’t want to talk timelines” and yet now, after your updates, he’s still unwilling to talk timelines, only he’s somehow persuaded you into believing there’s been progress made, worse he’s making you turn inward on yourself- you need to not bring it up, you need to stop taking the romance out of it, you need to stop causing arguments about it, you need to be more patient. Please re-read the posts in this thread about being manipulated. 

I was initially on the fence with this guy, but after seeing how he has, as sassy411 :  puts it, a knack for feeding you just enough line….I’m far less ambivalent. He’s making you question yourself Bee 🙁  

As for taking the romance out of things (which he has the cajones to blame you for) IMO  him saying you can’t talk about it now but he’ll maybe probably likely we’ll see perhaps be ready to ‘nail things down by the end of the year’  is far more off-putting than an honest open discussion about your mutual future. 

Post # 51
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

The update sounds hopeful to me. I wish he had given a more concrete timeline for engagement, like engaged by the end of the year instead of engaged “sometime next year”. We are only 4 months into this year so 8 more months of treading water seems a bit much. He’s basically given himself another year and 8 months to propose (end of 2018). That’s a long time. He could be buying himself time but my impression is he really does want to get there with you. Whether or not he’ll be able to who knows. Good luck! Keep up updated. 

Post # 52
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

baygull : Hi there, I feel for you because I was in a 4 year relationship with a 9 year age gap with what sounds like a very similar man. If you check my last post you can see further perspective on that. I will tell you this, my friends who have ended up marrying the resistant men…the ones they had to nag….the ones they had to practically drag to the alter…definitely don’t seem to live as joyous marriages as my friends whose husbands were “in it” as much as they were. 

Furthermore, my friend was 30 and her boyfriend was 39 (dating around 4-5 years). She had a lot of similarities echoing your experience and he finally broke down and proposed. He wasn’t at all present in any of the wedding planning and she was rushing to the alter to insure that she would be pregnant within 2-3 years. He was always rather indifferent about kids but agreed before their marriage to have ONE. Now that they are married he is getting cold feet on it and “scared” and “not ready” and “it’s a life commitment” “wouldn’t you rather travel.” 

I know if she does become pregnant that she will be doing a lot of the things by herself. He will not be as equally excited to participate and I can forsee that once the baby arrives and all her attention is on nurturing the newborn that he’s the type of man that will resent this 9 pound bundle shaking up his life. 

Anyhow, coming from someone that dated someone similar for 4 years, I finally met a marriage minded man on a dating app a few months ago and it’s DAMN REFRESHING to be with someone that doesn’t have a negative attitude about two things that I hope for in my life: to by a Wife and Mom. This is coming from someone in a very competitive career field that’s worked tirelessly in my office so it’s not like I don’t value a career to but I know what will be most important.

Good luck and one day either he will pop the question or it will start to feel so awful being with someone that doesn’t know if they’re ready that you will have had enough and be able to walk out knowing this is going nowhere. I reached a breaking point and it was not pretty but it was better to be out of it so I could meet someone that wanted the same things I did.

  

Post # 53
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

baygull :  

 

If somebody isn’t ready to get engaged/ married it is impossible for them to know when they will be ready. That’s why I think timelines only work if both people are ready for marriage and then you make a timeline based on practical, non-emotional things like moving in together, saving for a wedding, and etc.

But you can’t plan being ready for a lifelong commitment. You want to talk about a timeline because you’re emotionally ready and he doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s not.  

Now, it has only been a year so I don’t think he needs to be ready right now. It is up to you to decide how long you’re willing to wait for him to be on the same page as you. But any conversation about marriage timelines prior to him truly being ready will be ineffective and him just trying to please you. 

Post # 54
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

baygull :  who is on the lease for the controlled apartment, your boyfriend or the roommate?

Post # 55
Member
9131 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

He doesn’t want to talk about it yet because you’ve only been together for a year. Ya gotta chill and just enjoy what you have in the present – or move on to someone else if that’s not enough. You can’t rush someone else’s comfort level on life. 

Post # 58
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

baygull :  so where will you live when it happens? 

Post # 59
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My fiance was never too keen on talking about engagement.  We had been together over 6 years.  I asked and asked and persisted and finally, I just let it go.  2 years ago on April Fool’s day he came home and poped the question.  I was blindsided, I had absolutely no idea.  I found out that he had been looking for rings for months and he found “the one” and just couldn’t wait.  We’re finally getting married this October.

Everything in due time.  I’m happy you’ve made some progress and finally have a little bit of an idea where things are heading.  

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