- 4 months ago
This is weird. Why does he want to go without you?
This is weird. Why does he want to go without you?
macpartyoftwo : Uhhhh, okaaay. Unless you hang out with your coworkers as good friends WITH your significant other outside of work, inviting someone you know has a romantic partner is not the norm. She should have at least asked him to ask his girlfriend, OP, if she was okay with it. But I guess I’ll just sit here in in the corner with my dunce-cap, The Sexist Edition.
I don’t think this sounds as big of a deal as the other Bees are saying. I’ve lost close touch with several old friends from work or school, who I was not particularly close with myself but always saw in group settings. I’ve been to a few of these weddings without my husband, who cannot always arrange to take off work when I can. I’ve been the +1 of both a male and a female, and no one —including my partner — thought anything of it because we all know my status. It was a way to have a fun mini-reunion without costing anyone excess money.
I’m not sure if it is the specific person, the concept of your boyfriend having another ‘date’ in general, or the fact that you are “just” a girlfriend — but it seems like a 3 year relationship should be able to support a night away at a wedding. What are your specific concerns? That you aren’t invited? Or how it will appear? Or something about his date? If you are anywhere under 29, this seems totally fine and not so socially abnormal.
Him saying that he doesn’t want to be controlled by you might be both disappointment in not being able to go and the embarrassment of having to say he WOULD go if his Girlfriend didn’t tell him he couldn’t.
Thanks for the responses! A little background: my boyfriend has been at this job for about a year and met these coworkers after being hired.The bride/ex-coworker only worked with him for about 4 months before quitting and as far as I’m aware they’ve not really talked since she left. He didn’t receive an invitation to the wedding and I honestly don’t know why he cares about going. There’s plenty of occasions for him to hang out with these coworkers (and we do hang out with one, just not the one bringing him as a plus one). I should also mention that I don’t think we have to do everything together and we give each other plenty of opportunities to hang solo with friends.
ETA: we have spent the majority of our relationship long-distance but have lived together for the past year. I’m mostly bothered by the fact that he appears so gung-ho for this event when I usually have to beg him to do anything of that nature with me.
futuregall15 : I don’t see the big deal. He wouldn’t be going as her date – he’d be going as her plus 1. He doesn’t have to act like her boyfriend or anything.
I’m assuming he just thinks it will be good to catch up with these colleagues, and weddings are fun!
futuregall15 : are they going separately, or is he going to pick her up?
I guess if it’s like they have an extra ticket to go to a wedding, since he’s the one from the office who didn’t get invited, they decided he would take the extra ticket. Does he think of it as a work event?
It’s only sexist if I wouldn’t think it’s weird if he invited a male friend. And I do.
OP, I think your main problem is his reaction.
impatient1 : I am hurt by his reaction. In our three years together I’ve only ever asked him to not talk to/hang out with someone once and it was an ex from high school for whom he was dropping everything to talk. (This was in the first year of our relationship).
We give each other plenty of time and space to hang out with friends solo and the gender of our friends is not an issue. I just don’t understand why he’s playing the controlling girlfriend card.
my ex “hung out” with a girl he was friends with… they went to see movies, went to street festivals, he even made dinner with her and her family (she lived at home) once or twice. I was really uncomfortable with these dates but he pulled the whole “you cant dictate who my friends are/who i hang out iwth/etc.. line”
he cheated on me (physically) not much later (not with her, interestingly), and then immediately started dating her in earnest. So guess they weren’t just hanging out…
when you’re in the moment and your SO says “you can’t dictate what I do/who i hang out with!” that seems totally reasonable–you can’t! Right?
But why can’t you expect your SO to respect your feelings enough to not WANT to do shit that makes you uncomfortable, once you’ve told him that’s how you feel?
I would absolutely not be okay with this unless I knew this woman well enough to know I could trust the situation. And if I brought up the fact that it made me uncomfortable and Fiance got defensive about it? NOPE, I’m doubling down on the NO at that point.
I know some people would see this as no big deal – they are just friends – but to me it’s horribly disrespectful to go to a wedding with another woman, especially one I don’t know well. Regardless of their intentions, bringing a +1 implies it’s a date, and all night they will be seen as being there together, as a couple. Personally, I’d find this disrespectful to our relationship, and even moreso because he got defensive about you having some feelings.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. It wasn’t a wedding though. It was a camping trip. A girl from his work invited him and not me. I wasn’t ok with it, but he went anyway. We broke up shortly after that. It wasn’t because of the camping trip, it was because he just treated me like shit in general, and would do things that clearly showed he didn’t respect me. Which brings me to my point, if your boyfriend would do something like agree to be someone’s date to a wedding that you are not invited to, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also treats you poorly in other ways. Now would be a good time to do some reflecting on your relationship and figure out if he even deserves you. I bet he doesn’t.
By the way, my ex is now married to camping girl.
I think it’s clear some people would be fine with this and others would be very uncomfortable. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s about your individual comfort and if your bf is willing to listen to what you need and prioritize it.
Personally it would bug the hell out of me if my husband insinuated I was trying to control him by asking him to think of my feelings. It is a perfectly normal part of a relationship for SO’s to tell each other what their boundaries are – if yours are that he doesn’t go to a wedding with another woman, he should respect that. That is not the same as dictating what he can and can’t do.
I wouldn’t be ok with this if it was me. Why does he want to go to the wedding of a coworker who he barely knows, who didn’t invite him in the first place?
I feel like the bride/groom might be uncomfortable too because I assume they gave her a plus one more for her to bring a partner if she had one, not to bring an ex coworker that they didn’t invite already.
It’s also going to look like they’re a couple to everyone else attending, which is just plain awkward and disrespectful to you to be honest.
The worst part is how defensive he got about it. I think you should have another talk with him, it all seems a bit weird to me. Personally I think a partner SHOULD be allowed to have a say in what the other does, not necessarily by saying “You can’t do that” but by expressing their feelings and having the other acknowledge/take their feelings into account. It’s called having respect for each other! Personally if my fiance was uncomfortable about something, I just wouldn’t do it! His feelings are more important.
i would also feel uncomfortable about this. the thing is that he got defensive when he shouldn’t. but you should just make sure this wasn’t getting out of hand just so your relationship wouldn’t be affected. maybe he just went for it out of obligation
Personally, I’d be fine with him going. He doesn’t have his own invite so he doesn’t have a +1 to bring you along. Someone from the mutual group has a +1 and figured bringing someone the couple knows is preferable to bringing a random friend. I have been a completely random +1 for friends at a wedding, and while I’m happy for the couple, I’m happier for the couple when I actually know them, you know?
My guess is your boyfriend has accepted the invite, not thinking it’s a big deal, now doesn’t want to backtrack on that invite.
The separate issue is that he is shutting conversation down rather than discussing it with you. Not even changing his mind on it, just not reassuring you or telling you why he is keen to go. That’s the bit you should be focusing on with him.