BF going to a wedding with other woman

posted 4 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
691 posts
Busy bee

How much do you know about this woman who asked your boyfriend to be her +1?  What’s her story?  Have you met her?

Post # 47
Member
3087 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I don’t like the advice from PP’s that the co-worker should have asked the OP if she could invite her Boyfriend or Best Friend, or asked him if she would be OK with her inviting him. HE is in the relationship, it’s his responsibility to make sure his actions don’t make OP uncomfortable. He’s not a small child who needs someone to ask his mommy if he can come out to play… at least that’s the assumption because apparently he DOES need that. *eye roll* However, it’s not the co-workers job to know this. 

I wouldn’t love this, but I would also understand. It sounds to me like they’d be going as a group of co-workers to a former co-workers wedding. He didn’t work with the bride for very long so it makes sense why he didn’t get an invite of his own. This isn’t abnormal to me. I think he probably said yes before checking with her and now doesn’t want to go back and retract his acceptance. 

A couple major issues here:

  • OP’s man has no concern for her feelings about this
  • He got defensive right away
  • he continuously shuts down and refuses to discuss issues
  • he has no desire to go to similar events with OP

I don’t know if the defensiveness is a normal part of his ‘shutting down’ routine, but that’s a huge red flag. I could understand being frustrated at being told he shouldn’t go when it’s something he wants to go to, but instead of shutting down, he should be explaining that it’s not a date and they’re going as a group. Discuss why OP feels the way she feels, this is not an insurmountable issue!

 

Post # 48
Member
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This is weird. You have valid concerns. I’d tell him no, but that’s me.

To the PP who said that her husband would have no say in this, if it happened to her, that’s kinda not how relationships work. Be single if you feel that way.

 

Post # 49
Member
7169 posts
Busy Beekeeper

mrscb2bee :  Exactly. Like no, my husband doesn’t get to “tell me what to do” – but I’m also not going to willfully do shit that I know would upset him just because “it’s my right.” It’s called respect. In the rare instance where one of us wants to do something and the other is not a fan, we talk about it like normal human beings, try to understand the other person’s perspective, and then come to an agreement. There’s no stomping around and moaning that “no one gets to tell me what to do!” – probs cause we aren’t 7.

Post # 50
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

zzar45 :  as a wedding date? Yes I am. A wedding is romantic, attending a wedding is romantic, there are so many movies are centered around single people trying to hook up at wedding. If she is truly looking for a buddy to attend the wedding with, and not a date, she’d have asked another female or a gay male friend, asking a straight married man to leave his wife home to attend a wedding with a single female is inappropriate and obnoxious.

Post # 51
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

nykkee :  while I agree that this situation isn’t ok, I also think it’s not ok to bring sexual orientation into this discussion in such an insensitive way

Post # 52
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

I would be uncomfortable. Does this coworker know he is in a relationship with you? If she does, that would be weird. I would never ask someone to be my plus 1 if I knew they were in a relationship, even if we were going as friends. But I see couples who have been dating for 2+ years as one unit – invite one and expect to invite the other. 

Post # 53
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t know if I’d be MAD, it just seems odd to me. The ex coworker/bride knows your husband, but didn’t invite him, so it’s clearly not important to her that he be there. And personally I think it’s a bit tacky to bring random plus ones unless there’s a reason for it – like if you need a travel buddy or if you don’t know anyone else at the wedding. 

I wouldn’t worry about it too much though. Especially since the other pair isn’t a couple either so they’re sort of going as a group of friends. It’s more just weird rather than threatening to your relationship. 

Post # 54
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Do you feel uncomfortable because he is going as the co-workers plus one or bc he seems excited when you normally have to beg and plead for him to do the same for you?  I think you could honestly get over the plus one thing with sometime, but I have never in all my life seen ANY man excited to go to a wedding.  Whether theirs or their best friends.  They appreciate a meal and open bar, but the getting dressed and taking pics is something they could do without.  Something seems amiss.  Not that you think anything is going on with them, but his reaction of immediately calling you controlling is manipulative.  I would feel uncomfortable with her not approaching me.  If you have nothing to hide then be upfront:  I am not seeing anyone and he knows everyone else at the table so I would like him to go.  Side note:  Is this a crowd that he normally drinks with because weddings tend to get a little rowdy with the open bar. 

Post # 55
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

I would be extremely uncomfortable with this from both ends! No way in hell would my man be taking some female to a wedding and I’m sorry but I would never ask that of someone else’s boyfriend either. 

That defensive attitude he gave you would also have me like 😒.

Post # 56
Member
648 posts
Busy bee

I see it as a social gathering. They all worked together they’ll drink, eat dinner, dance and catch up. It’s not that different than going to a pub/club to all hang out besides the fact that you weren’t invited. If you don’t trust him to go with his co-workers I think you two have something bigger to worry about. 

Post # 57
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

katecod12 :  I didn’t mean to be offensive, I was just trying to cover all the what ifs, my husband has a friend who is a lesbian who I would have no issue with him hanging out with in ways that I would have issues with him spending time with a single straight woman because I know without any doubt that she is not interested in him and not going to try any dumb shit even drunk. Just like I think he’d feel less wierd about me going out with a gay guy who wears a full face of makeup than he would if I wanted to hang out with a straight bachelor. In no way am I saying anything anti-lgqbt

Post # 58
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee

I am on the side that this is inappropriate. I personally would be okay if my husband went to a wedding with a single woman because I trust him, but I can totally see why this makes you uncomfortable. My husband also would never accept the invitation in the first place because he respects me.

If I were the single girl, I would not bring a male plus one, in a relationship or not. Weddings are a great place to meet people and I wouldn’t want anyone cockblocking me.

Post # 59
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Charliejeorge :  If they’re best buddies enough for this wedding to not be a date, how does his coworker not know he has a girlfriend? And yeah, I agree he should’ve accepted how his girlfriend feels about this whole thing. It’s on him. But it’s another red flag if the coworker doesn’t know he’s taken. Then all the more does it look like a date. As someone else said, singles go with singles.

Post # 60
Member
9318 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Let us not lose sight of the First Canon of Relationships:  Don’t put yourself in stupid situations.

Going to a wedding as someone else’s date—majorly stupid.

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