(Closed) BF is attracted to our roommate. I think. Please. Help.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 137
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Wow, your update…. Your boyfriend lied to someone about where he was (why would he do that? Is there a good explanation for this at all?), then was unreachable and gone at the same time as this girl? How often are they unreachable? If that happens a lot, maybe it’s nothing, but if it is rare, and just happens to line up with his lying about where he was, and the girl also being gone at the same time, and happening to be unreachable…. Honestly, I just went from “maybe there’s a little mutual crush” to “I think they might have already cheated with each other.” There is almost no fully innocuous explanation I can think of for that situation.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by  arabbel.
Post # 138
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Also, maybe this is a little on the sneaky side, but after a week or two, maybe you and Joe could both go out separately for things – him to the gym, and you to do whatever else maybe. Then maybe Joe could go back 30 minutes later because he “forgot” something, and just see what’s up.

Post # 139
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yikes, I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this, OP. I think you should trust your intuition on this one, because it certainly seems like you have good cause to be suspicious. The most troubling parts of this to me, beyond your intuition (which is very vaulable!), are that your BF lied to Joe about what he was doing (super sketchy!) and that he had deleted all of the prior texts from this girl. But mostly the lying. I hope you keep your eyes and ears peeled. And don’t write yourself off as being “crazy” either. The vast majority of us support your instincts on this one, and communication of what you’re thinking/feeling is ALWAYS beneficial to a relationship.

Post # 141
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
KatGrace130:  I’m just wondering…is it possible they’re up to something else?  How long has this been going on?  Could they be planning a surprise for you (or Joe?) and don’t want to tell either of you?

You should trust your gut, and I’m a worst case scenario person generally, but maybe there’s nothing going on and they’re just plotting something?

Post # 142
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My advice is STOP snooping! You have enough. Talk to all of them head on. If your BF and his Girlfriend want to be mad, then let them be mad, it’s on them anyway. You don’t need more clues to back up your feelings. You have a right to feel what you do and your partner needs to respect that.

If Joe won’t do it, then you need to. Stop worrying about rocking the boat for this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If no one else is going to take control and find out what’s going on, then something has to be done.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by  Floofy. Reason: Forgot something
Post # 143
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

What happened to just confronting the people you’re having a problem with? You need to put your foot down OP. What that are doing is obviously making you and “Joe” uncomfortable. That is your BF and his Girlfriend, you guys have the right to say something. Tell him you don’t like what’s going on and how they are acting suspicious with their behavior and it needs to change. And if you still feel like something is going on, then you have a life changing decision to make.  

Let your BF deny this begavior all he wants, but if it still continues and you feel the same way, then obviously something is going on because he’s not trying to see it from your point of view and making you feel like this whole thing is a misunderstanding. If you guys are going to be push overs and let this behavior continue and try to catch them in the act, then they are going to keep doing what they are doing.  

Post # 145
4106 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

After reading all of your updates, it’s time for this other couple to move out of your house. The extra money coming in each month does not seem to outweigh the possibility of an emotional or physical affair occurring between your boyfriend and this girl. I would tell your boyfriend, honestly, that you no longer feel like the living situation is working. Try speaking with “Anna’s” boyfriend and tell him that you think the living situation is no longer working, and suggest he and the girl start looking for another apartment. 

Honestly, it feels like it’s coming down to whether or not you want to trust your gut or stay silent “just in case” something isn’t going on. This is your relationship on the line. I would not be taking this lightly. It’s clear the living situation is adding fuel to a potential fire. As for your boyfriend, I don’t know. I think this may have opened a line of communication about what you consider cheating. This can potentially give you a chance to tell him that you consider emotional and physical cheating to be the same, what things you constitute as inappropriate. This way, if he proceeds to move forward with this girl, he can’t act as if he didn’t know. 

At the end, though, you need to be prepared for how long you will allow this to continue. If this was me, it would have been over after the very first instance. I don’t consider myself to be a “crazy” jealous person, but if I saw something I found inappropriate, I would have shut it down. 

Post # 146
526 posts
Busy bee

Oh wow! This sounds terrible.i wish you the best of luck op! 

Post # 147
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would fess to your boyfriend about snooping and see what he has to say about “I can’t wait”. Hes for sure going to be on his best behavior now but if you turn a blind eye it could reallllly sting later. Good luck OP- I feel the ick for you. 

Post # 148
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

Just read this whole thread…wow OP..I deffinately feel for you. Your not crazy and shouldn’t feel bad for snooping and going through his phone. His behavior and interaction with this girl is inappropriate. But most importantly…it’s making you uncomfortable. You should never have to feel like this…no matter if he is cheating or not. I would just flat out tell him that his behavior with her makes you uneasy. If he truely cares more about the relationship rather than his friendship with this girl…he will fix this problem. His relationship with you should be more important than some friendship he has with a girl. And if he just blows you off like your crazy and dosnt care that it makes you uncomfortable…I would say move on. 

Oh and a short story about trusting your gut: I was dating a guy for about 3 years when all of a sudden he decided he wanted to be friends with an ex of his. He told me I had nothing to worry about because he loved me blah blah…and I believed him for a while…and I also had total trust in him cause he never lied to me in those whole 3 years. Well when he started deleting texts from his phone and lieing to me about where he was going I got suspicious. He told me I was crazy and had a lot of nerve for accusing him of cheating. Well not to long after that…that ex of his actually texted me pictures of them making out. Yeah…needless to say I was out of that relationship fast! But karma is a bitch..2 years later I saw his name in the newspaper arrest log for drinking and driving..not once but twice! 

I hope everything works out for you….good luck OP.






Post # 149
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree that it’s time to stop worrying about “rocking the boat”.  You’re whole life is being rocked and the only thing that is going to settle it is confronting them.  And I don’t mean by casually suggesting that maybe you think they are extra friendly… I mean, go all out.  Tell them exactly what’s been going on, what you saw, heard, think… You need to confront them head on or if something is going on (which I think likely there is) it will just continue to go on but much more hidden and you will drive yourself crazy not having any answers and constantly wondering.  I think there’s a chance if you call them out on it directly, that you might get a straight answer, although it’s also possible that they’ve already come up with reasons/excuses to cover their tracks since they are on higher alert after you talked with your SO.

Also, does your SO treat you any differently?  I would think that if he had feelings for someone else that it would change how he interacts with you.  Maybe more withdrawn, distracted… less affectionate…?

Post # 150
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
KatGrace130:  My heart goes out to you since I know that sick feeling.   An old bf of mine cheated on me and totally broke my heart.  I saw the signs and when I finally caught him, it made me so sick I’d throw up.  It took me a long time to recover…..but now I’m happily married!. 🙂

On another note, a lot of the things you mentioned are “explainable” and can be innocent.  I didn’t read all of the posts but I’d only bring up the items that have some certainty behind it, like the blanket on the couch.  You should tell him how you felt about it when you saw it and that it bothered you. But give him a chance to explain.   You’re in a serious relationship so you should give him the benefit of the doubt.  Communication is key and I don’t think you should jump to any conclusions before you have true facts and evidence.  Good luck and keep us posted!

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