(Closed) BF is attracted to our roommate. I think. Please. Help.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 151
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I feel like I just read a mystery novel but with no ending. So sorry this is bothering you so much OP. I hope that however this results is what is in your best interet long term. 

 

Post # 152
Member
3751 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

so wait, the night that he said he was out with you but you were home and they both were out and unreachable, where did he say he was?? Did this happen after you found the “can’t wait” text message? Not cool. 

 

Post # 153
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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KatGrace130:  I’m going to agree with PP’s.  I think they need to move out if there is any chance of saving all the relationships involved.

Post # 154
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

 

I think that, even if there’s nothing going on between them, you should let your boyfriend know that you are uncomfortable with the situation and that you want them to move out.  Maybe bring the idea up to Joe to see if he could tell Anna the same thing.  Have you asked Joe if he’s talked to Anna yet?  I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Post # 155
Member
13536 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Also,  the incident that Joe revealed can be raised with Collin without mentioning your recent private meeting with Joe.  You can tell him that among  the many other reasons for your concern is that time Joe came back home one day all confused because you were there.    You don’t have to tell Collin when you heard this.  Let him think it was in real time.  Why did he lie to Joe that there were plans with you in the first place, though ?  Seems so strange when you are Joe’s roommate, and the lie could be so easily discovered. 

I’m sure he’ll come up with an excuse such as he just didn’t feel like working out, just as there can be excuses made for every single one of the items you’ve described. Even the guilty blanket jump can be defended by him saying Anna did it  and he didn’t want to act all paranoid by removing it.    When you walked in, he realized how bad it looked.  

The “can’t wait” text he’ll say was for the bike ride.  The deleted texts, he’ll say is because the thread of conversation was so long, he deleted it so she’d see the message about the bike ride. 

Chances are he can come up with an explanation for every item on your list. I’m not sure confronting him directly will accomplish anything at all other than to put him on high alert. 

I am also curious about your relationship.   Is he more distractible and inattentive to you than usual?  Is the “honeymoon period” of the relationship starting to wane and things becoming more of a routine?  Are there any issues the two of you have had apart from this? 

 

Post # 156
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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KatGrace130:  I think that, now that you’ve broken the ice with Joe, you need to talk to Collin.   If you have any inkling that you’d like to work on your own relationship – potential cheating or not — need to the gossiping needs to stop, or it will snowball and it will be all you see.  That being said, they should move out.  I have no idea how to accomplish this without offending Anna and Colin, other than sticking to, “I’m uncomfortable with…” or a generic, “It’s just not working out.”

Post # 158
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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KatGrace130:  I think you have every right to tell Anna what you are and are not comfortable with when it comes to her and your BF. She also has the right to ignore you and do as she pleases but atleast itll be in the open. Also the benefit of talking to her is, she might feel uncomfortable living there and want to move out. win/win.

But I still think you need to fess up to your BF about seeing the text and see what he has to say about it.

Post # 159
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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KatGrace130:  I’m not sure bringing it up with her is a great idea. If anything is going on, she probably won’t tell you. Instead she and your BF will know that they need to be sneakier. 

I honestly think you need to go to him and present him with all of the information you have (texts, the info from Joe, etc.). There’s no sense in digging more. 

Post # 160
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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KatGrace130:  I don’t think you should bring it up with Anna, she isn’t going to tell you the truth if she is  having an affair with your BF.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your BF again about this just yet, that’s understandable, but keep your eyes open.  And the next time something happens that makes you feel uncomfortable speak up right then, without anger but with firmness, and ask what the hell is going on?! 

Imo she needs to move the hell out.  If they aren’t having an affair it still certainly sounds like they’re playing a little too close to the fire for your comfort. 

Post # 161
Member
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

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KatGrace130:  I wouldn’t talk to Anna about it. I could see her just getting defensive. If anyone talks to her it should be Joe. At this point I would keep my eyes wide open. I think the idea of you and Joe both leaving and then coming back early is a good plan. I hate to admit it, but I would probably take more drastic measures like looking at Collin’s phone. I couldn’t love with not knowing what was going on.

Post # 162
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Ugh. I’ve been on the receiving end of being cheated on and all  I have to say right now is that confronting your boyfriend was the worst possible move. At least at this moment in time. If you haven’t approached “Anna” yet, then DON’T.

If you have suspicions of being cheated on the LAST thing you want to do is let that person know you’re onto them in any way, shape or form. Cheaters ARE liars, they WILL blow smoke up your ass, gaslight, downplay it, sweep it under the rug then will do EVERYTHING possible to make you think you’re crazy and nothing is going on.

The point when you confront is when you have the evidence. You have the text messages. You have the e-mails. You absolutely NEED something tangible here. You have NOTHING but assumptions, some gut instincts, so because you have nothing, and because you’ve already alerted your boyfriend that you’re “on to” him… if he’s cheating/thinking of cheating/having an emotional affair… he’s doing some serious damage control right now and you will never, let me stress that, NEVER get the truth.

Cheaters do the “trickle truth.” They will only admit to what has already been discovered. Because you discovered, well, nothing, he will admit to nothing. I’ve learned that cheaters cannot be “talked to.” You can’t sit down and have an “honest” conversation with a cheater/potential cheater. It’s just never going to happen.

Your move now? Back off. Drop it. This is the point where you go into detective mode. You need to pull off an Oscar worthy performance here. You trust your boyfriend. You believe every word he’s said. You do not question him further, put on a happy face. Should relationships be like this? Nope. Absolutely not. But he’s given you enough of a reason to do your homework as to what is going on. Whether that means you check phone records for amount of texting between them, phone calls, keylogger, VAR, whatever you need to do, you do it.

You’re going to have to be patient. Because you’ve already outed yourself, they’re likely to back off right now, act a bit more distant around each other. Pay attention to THAT. If before they were biking together, going to the store, etc etc, and now they’re NOT, you will know they have spoken and they’re in damage control.

They’re also very likely to take whatever is going on deeper underground. Your boyfriend already seems pretty slick about it by deleting the text messages. That does not happen unless something boundry crossing has been talked about, he didn’t “delete the texts by accident,” lets be real here. He’s hiding them from you.

And I’ll comment on making this woman and her boyfriend move out. Sure, you can do that. But if your boyfriend is potentially cheating, or thinking about it, removing one source of temptation won’t nip this in the bud. If not this woman, it will be someone else. If he’s on the path of cheating, there’s something deeper going on, some source of unhappiness, SOMETHING you are not aware of.

Post # 163
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

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Love2Love:  best advice so far IMO.

Post # 167
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Love2Love:  Sorry but I disagree. Full on surveillance might be the best way to catch him cheating, but it’s not the best way to rescue the relationship. You’re assuming he’s already cheating, which means she might as well leave now.

Either he’s cheating, or he’s just flirting. If he’s cheating, the relationship’s doomed anyway. So let’s assume he’s just flirting, in which case (in my opinion) he needs to be confronted about it so that he realises it’s harming relationship. Again, in my opinion, this means a full on, totally honest, confrontation, including confessing about reading the texts. And getting him to agree to stop flirting, and spending 1-on-1 time, with Anna (e.g. the bike rides and shopping trips). 

I do agree though that confronting Anna is the wrong thing to do. She’s not in a relationship with Anna, so what Anna does is none of her business. Besides, what happens when the next girl comes along?

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ohnatto:  +1

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