(Closed) BF is attracted to our roommate. I think. Please. Help.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 241
Member
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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KatGrace130:  Joe should be told, just as you had a right to know, he has a right to know. And I know you said that if anything else was going on you would get them to move out, but Anna and Colin have feelings for each other! To me that is enough to warrant you asking them to move out. You’re handling this a lot better than I would be. I would have said yes as soon as he suggested the bike rides stop, anything with them alone together should stop until the feelings pass in my opinion. 

Good luck OP!

Post # 242
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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KatGrace130:  It is good to hear your update, and I completely respect your decisions for YOUR relationship, and you have to do what you feel is right for you, but after reading this whole thread this is an outsiders opinion.

1. They have to move out ASAP.  There is no need to kick them out and leave them homeless, but you should give them notice.  If he has admitted to having a crush, and he feels like it is mutual, then it would be absolutely ridiculous to keep that temptation in your home.

2. You should absolutely confide to the other guy what your Fiance has told you.  I wouldn’t include his speculation that she has the same feelings, because if he says nothing has happened, all he is doing is reading into small gestures/words and he is coming from a biased opinion.  Let the guy handle the information how he sees fit.  I’m sure that he would also agree that they need to move out.

3. There are way too many red flags on this for me, to believe what he says.  His explanation of having a crush but never acting on it does NOT explain the deleted messages, the sharing a blanket, THE NIGHT THEY WERE BOTH UNREACHABLE AND LIED ABOUT THEIR WHEREABOUTS etc.  If he respected your relationship he would have come to you with this problem or if he was too scared to, at least have distanced himself from her, rather than place temptation under his nose at every opportunity.  There is something in this story he is not telling you.  Whether it’s that they did the deed or if it’s just that they confessed their feelings to each other but agreed not to act on them, there is 100% definitely something missing from this story.  

I know this is super difficult, and my heart goes out to you, but especially since she is still living under your roof, please do not let love blind you from the facts.  

I wish you all the best.

Post # 243
Member
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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nessdawwg:  You make a good point. OP what were his explanations for those incidents like when neither of them were reachable or when they were under the blanket together?

Post # 244
Hostess
4343 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2007 - City, State

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KatGrace130:  You should tell the other guy what your man told you. And, honestly, it is time for them to move out! A crush is not going to lead to anywhere good..

 

Post # 245
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Ugh, the last update makes me the most suspcious. It feels like he deflected all the blame for the suspcious events on this Anna chick and like he gave you a little bit of the truth to throw you off of the bigger truth. Also, like the PP said, it explains almost none of the hiding and lying that’s been going on longer than the other night.

Post # 246
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do not tell Joe! At least not unless Collin gives you permission to. This was a private conversation between you and Collin.

Whether to believe Collin: I guess peoples’ responses will depend on their experience. I’ve been in a situation where DH was spending time with someone but (almost certainly) didn’t cheat. So I’m inclined to believe him, and to see this as a positive development. In any case, watch his behaviour and see if he does what he said he would.

As for the time Collin lied to Joe, I don’t see a problem with that. Sometimes friends lie if they don’t want to hang out. Obviously if he was secretly with Anna that’s a bad thing, but lying to Joe isn’t such a bad thing in itself.

Post # 247
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think the most suspicious thing is the deleted messages, and I assume he mentioned nothing about those. Unfortunately it would be hard to bring those up without admitting that you snooped. Agree with PPs that either way you need to get them out of your house ASAP if you want to try to repair things.

Post # 248
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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nessdawwg:  I completely agree with everything nessdawg just said. Yes, they have to move out IMMEDIATELY. Having them stay will just complicate things beyond the pale. 

I have to say hats off to you for having the balls to sit him down and talk to him. I think you got hmmm 75% truth from him and proved yourself and everyone else, right.

But let’s say you hadn’t caught wind of what has been going on (the AFFAIR that they have been having; I don’t care whether they have had sex or not, it’s still an affair). What if you never noticed; how far would the relationship have gone then?

Your boyfriend has committed the ultimate act of betrayal and violated all trust. I don’t care if he had a little crush on her-he ACTED on his feelings in YOUR HOUSE THAT YOU SHARE TOGETHER.

And furthermore, I hate how he brought up the fact that you work alot into his admission of having a crush; as if he is somehow placing the BLAME on you for him straying and developing feelings for another woman. Are you freakin kidding me???

You working has NOTHING TO DO with his transgression. A man who loves and respect his women will never use how much she works as a reason to go and cheat on her. 

This guy sounds incredibly immature and frankly you should be VERY angry at him right now, and angry at your so-called “friend” who is so selfish and nutty and self-absorbed that she was cheating on her boyfriend with her GOOD FRIEND’S boyfriend in HER house. I mean what the? That is one BALLSY chick to actually take it there.

I wish you all the best going forward and just want to say that you have every right to be incredibly hurt and pissed off right now. Your boyfriend and your roommate are 100% in the wrong and they should be ashamed of themselves. Yes, you should tell Joe. Joe has a right to know that his girlfriend is untrustworthy just like your boyfriend is. And, if after you do some soul searching you decide to break up with this guy, trust me, it will be a damn good choice. He may have been the sunshine in your life, but really, this guy is just blotting out the sun.

Post # 250
Member
4108 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Wow, this thread has been wild from start to finish.

Post # 251
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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KatGrace130:  As I said before, your decision is yours to make, and you also had I’m sure an hour or so long conversation with your SO which has been summarised into a couple of paragraphs for us bees.  

The only thing I wanted to add, was if you feel like you want an answer for those text messages being deleted, I feel you have every right to bring it up, citing that it’s not a usual habit, but you were stressed about the interactions the two of them were having, and wanted to see whether it was anything further.  Considering he has admitted himself that his behaviour was being innappropriate, I don’t think he should have any problem with that.  If he does, well maybe he should have brought this problem to you in the first place, so you wouldn’t have had to snoop.  I agree with your friend in one sense about the phone lock, however keep in mind that he may have not wanted to do that for fear of alerting your suspicions if he’s never had one on his phone before.

Just saying that because I think you deserve total disclosure and an open discussion of absolutely everything, and the texts or lack of where a big part of your stress.  I have been in similar situations before where I stayed after an indiscretion (not sexual cheating) and the only way I could get past it was to spend about 3 hours telling him absolutely everything I felt/saw/worried about, and got answers to every question.  Some of the answers hurt, but I cross examined him and doubled back until I was blue in the face and completely satisfied I had the whole story.  Only then could I move on.

PS. If you do tell your friend, I would ask him if he could give a summary of his talk with her afterwards, see if their stories checked out.

Post # 252
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Idk, I mean…OP, I admit to having a crush on one of my TAs at school (so sue me, he’s wicked cute and such a dork which makes him even cuter)…That said, I am married, I love my husband, my TA has a girlfriend, and I would nevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver act on that. Ever. Everrrrrrr. Things between the TA and I have always been strictly school-related, period, end of story. I admit to FB stalking him ONCE, but my DH was in the bed next to me and asked what I was doing and I told him and he was like, “Okay” and went back to reading his book. xD

I think that’s where the difference lies – in the not acting on it nor having any intention of acting on it ever. Granted, if your guy DIDN’T act on it, then he didn’t and hey, that’s great. It’s obviously way harder to avoid in a household situation than it is in a classroom with like 50 other people, though, which is where my concern would be. =\ Hopefully Joe decides that it’s better to separate them, and I guess from now on try to make sure they only see each other when you two are around? I’d tell him the part about it possibly being mutual, otherwise Joe could think that it’s all your BF’s fault and he was gonna put the moves on Anna and she didn’t want it or something weird like that, I’d let him know the whole truth, not omit any.  *hugs*

ETA: I like the suggestion of cross checking the stories.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by  .
Post # 253
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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icanhearyousmile:  I agree.  I once found myself crushing after a friends boyfriend much to my horror.  I tried to ignore it, but I kept thinking about him and he was always over at my house.  I confessed my feelings to SO after some internal debate, and felt it was because we had recently make a big committement to each other, and it frightened me a little. He was a bit upset of course, but we talked and we didn’t see that friend for a while and I focused on my SO until the wave passed.  And it did, super quickly and now they both come over again all the time and have some drinks and I feel super comfortable around him again.  

I would have NEVER been getting all cuddled up on the couch with him/texting him/going to the shops, in fact, before I confessed, any time he came over to hang out, I’d practically run away!

These things happen in all relationships, it’s how you deal with them which makes the difference.

Post # 254
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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nessdawwg:  Yeah, I told my DH that I thought he was super cute and wore great ties, and that he’s always so nice (he’s an excellent teacher, I don’t say that cuz I think he’s cute, he is legitimately an excellent teacher), and DH was like, “Aww got a little crush?” and I was like, “A little.” He was like, “Do I have to go shank him?” XD I showed him his Girlfriend on FB and was like “Look at her she’s so pretty!” and he was like “Yeah, good, no shanking.” And that was that. And after I FB stalked him and had the exchange with DH, I do still think he’s cute, but it’s not nearly as crush-y and highschool-esque as it was hahahaha (also, I’m never going to see him ever again after I graduate in May so…there’s that too). So I mean, part of me thinks it’s a natural thing, it happens, people are attracted to other people. If a hot girl walks by, I’ll be like, “Babe did you see her boobs? They were amazing!” and he’ll be like “Yeah they were” and we get on with our day.

I guess it’s whether you act on it and how far you take it that’s the determinant. And how comfrotable you are with certain things or not with certain things. Only OP knows what her boundaries are on this.

Post # 255
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

In My Humble Opinion, a “crush” would be enough for me to walk. Maybe you’re different, maybe you can work things out.

I wish you the best, OP!

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