(Closed) BF is attracted to our roommate. I think. Please. Help.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Trust your instincts. At the very least he’s flirting.

I would confront him and insist on some boundaries, including never deliberately being alone with her (including the cycling). If it’s only gone as far as flirting, your relationship is not beyond repair.

Post # 17
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

KatGrace130:  I thought it could well just be your imagination up until the deleted texts. That’s definitely fishy.

Post # 18
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I would trust your intuition. If I were in your position, I would want a little more proof before confronting him. Unfortunately if he deletes texts you’re not going to have much to go on. Would he send her emails? I am all for maintaining a level of trust, but sometimes you have to delve a little deeper to get to the truth. 

Post # 19
Member
9757 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

j_jaye:  You said ‘what if the tables are turned and your bf was the one posting conspiracy theories and you weren’t doing anything’, where did the op say that her bf definitely wasn’t doing anything? I don’t recall her updating us saying it was definitely just her overreacting, nor has she posted saying that her gut was right. So it’s a bit hard to say, but I think most bees would understand if the tables were turned and it appeared that things were shady with a friend, but of course would prefer their SOs talk to them, as I and other PPs encouraged OP to do – to talk to her SO.

Post # 20
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Trust your intuition. I wouldn’t say anything just yet though- I would just observe very carefully and keep track of them. If you’re going to confront him, you need to be really, really sure something is going on (as in you have concrete proof), because if you’re wrong, it’s going to ruin your relationship and mess up your living situation. I wish you the best, OP, keep us updated.

Post # 21
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I personally think sharing a blanket is very odd. And I’m pretty flexible. 

Certainy calling this a “conspiracy theory” is over the top. 

Talk to your SO. I agree with AussieMum. You don’t have to be accusatory; just let him know how you feel.

Post # 22
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think the best way to breach this with your SO is to talk about how uncomfortable you were seeing them under the one blanket. Then gauge his reaction. I am normally one to advocate for bluntness but this situation is very tricky, you don’t want to sound crazy if your fears are unfounded.

 

Post # 23
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Jacqui90:  but where is her proof that he is?

There is a huge difference between friends sharing a blanket (they could have been on opposite ends of the sofa) and snuggling under a blanket. Deleted texts…..well unless everyone keeps every single text they ever recieve we have all deleted texts and why would he leave one? Bees always jump to the evil man doing wrong and it is quite shocking. It seems like no one trusts their man anymore. Oh wait no it is everyone elses men not theirs that is untrustworthy. 

Instead they like to encourage insecurity and non-adult behaviour in other people. Stirring up trouble and emotions where there is no evidence of any wrong doing. 

As I said in my original post the OP should leave this relationship because she does not have trust in her partner. That is unfair to her partner and to herself. Once trust is gone there is not much left. Even if the OP’s partner is blameless the OP doesn’t seem like she would truly believe it. 

Post # 24
Member
9757 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

j_jaye:  There is no proof, I am just saying I wouldn’t jump the gun and say ‘what would you do if you were doing nothing and your bf posted this’, implying that the boyfriend is doing nothing, which is not definitely the case. I wouldn’t say she should leave over this, trust can be rebuilt. But above all she should talk to him about this and sort it out.

Post # 25
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think that anything you’ve laid out specifically points to cheating or otherwise inappropriate behavior, but regardless, you should always feel comfortable talking about anything that’s bothering either of you.  This is obviously something you’re thinking a lot about and is bothering you quite a bit, so I’d say it’s definitely worth a talk.

Something simple like “You know how we’ve both been through X, Y, and Z in previous relationships?  Well that history just won’t let me be ok with the level of friendship you seem to have with FGF.  I know this is silly and ridiculous, but it’s bothering me a lot.” See what he says!

Post # 26
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

prahajess:  “I personally think sharing a blanket is very odd. And I’m pretty flexible.”

+ 1

KatGrace130:  I think you should definitely have a conversation with him. I don’t think you should be accusatory but there is nothing at all wrong with sharing how you feel with your SO. Even if it turns out that nothing romantic has happened between the two of them, you seem very uncomfortable with his behavior and his interaction with the friend. That is enough to warrant a discussion. This is a conversation with the person you love and hope to marry about a situation that you find troublesome- not a grand inquisition. You can just let him know the things he has done that have hurt your feelings and made you feel uneasy.

I am a firm believer in setting clear expectations and boundaries. I think you should let him know clearly and specifically what is acceptable and unnacceptable to you.

Post # 27
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Definitely talk to him, I for one wouldn’t feel comfortable with my Fiance sharing a blanket with another woman and the fact that yours jumped and was trying to hide it seems odd if it was nothing.

Like others suggested approach it cautiously, maybe tell him how it makes you feel unhappy? If my Fiance confided in me that something I do is making him sad I’d do my best at fixing it. I wouldn’t think “oh thank god he left me cos he couldn’t trust me” like j_jaye is suggesting you do. I’d actually be mad he wouldn’t have talked to me about it first.

Post # 28
Member
9757 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Jacqui90:  Edit: I do think though that the probability of OP’s Boyfriend or Best Friend actually doing something, given the circumstances mentioned, is very low.

Post # 29
Member
628 posts
Busy bee

KatGrace130:  You’re the one living in the situation and you are the one who knows your partner best (in fact, I’d hazard a gues that none of us know him at all). If it doesn’t feel right to you, that’s all that matters.

I’d bring it up to him in a non-accusatory manner and see where the conversation goes. A lot of people have physical indicators when they lie.  Just a curosity, who had the idea to have them move in? 

Post # 30
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

KatGrace130:  trust your gut. To me it sounds like he is definitely cheating with FGF. No one deletes innocent texts. No one “can’t wait” for the grocery store. Id get mentally ready to move out and call him out on this. He’ll deny at first but keep pushing and see what happens.

I would also try to come home early, at lunch, sometime unexpected and see what happens. It’s telling he jumped out of his skin when you came in- he’s up to no good. 

 

 Sorry this  is happening to you but atleast you didn’t marry this turd!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  MrsBuesleBee.

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