(Closed) BF is attracted to our roommate. I think. Please. Help.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 286
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Yeah… just going to echo everyone else and say they need to move out asap, for everyone’s sake.  

At the very LEAST!  That’s if you decide you’re ok with staying with somebody who is actively seeking out one-on-one time with someone he has a crush on.  NOT COOL.  Crushes can be normal and innocent… I totally have a crush on one of my coworkers – he is so adorable.  But I love and respect my husband and our relationship waaaaay too much to actively seek out time, especially alone time, with this guy – that is just asking for trouble.  Instead I just think about how cute he is during meetings, haha.  

The fact that your bf is actively playing with fire with this chick says a lot about how he values you and your relationship  :/  And that’s coming from someone with a lot of close male friends, no boundaries on male-female friendships, no jealousy issues, etc.

Post # 287
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

nightborn:  This exactly.

 

Im sorry OP, but I have to say, I think you are being incredibly foolish here. This is an emotional affair. He didn’t just think to himself “oh wow im attracted to that person” and move on. He didn’t just think “oh wow, what a cool chick, I may have a slight crush on her”. He actively pursued time with her, he communicated in inappropriate ways with her, and if he didn’t there would be no reason to delete text messages. The only time you hide something like that is when you know what you are doing is wrong in some way. he knew what he was doing was not ok and yet he sat there and still did it and actively did things to hide it from you. A crush happens, I get that. We are going to come across people all the time that are appealing to us in one way or another. The thing to note here is that he was’t taken by her at all at first, this is something that developed and that he nurtured by finding ways to have time with her. Once he realized that this was becoming something that was developing (which he did) he should have stopped the one on one time instead of continuing it. OP open your eyes, something needs to be said between all four of you. A talk has to happen. I would be initiating this talk immediately. And if my partner had aproblem with it than that would show me that it was time for me to leave.

 

Im a pretty level headed girl and don’t usually jump to conclusions but this is just so clear to me. I must be missing something if everyone close to you doesn’t see a problem with his behavior.

Post # 288
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

He pretty much disrespected you by going behind your back (and Joe’s back) and let this crush went further than what is appropriate.

If you didn’t confront him, it would have gone worse. You are in denial, possibly Joe is in denial too. You both need to get out of this situation because he and Anna are not trust worthy anymore.

Post # 289
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Your boyfriend’s response is classic cover-up. He gave a tiny bit – he has a crush – and then swung the blame to you – you work too much – and to Anna – she put the moves on *me.* I know when you’re in the situation, you’re thinking “Why would he tell me something incriminating like that he had a crush on her? Of course he’s telling the truth.” I would bet most anything that he is not telling the full truth.

Post # 290
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

KatGrace130:  omg. (A) you have to tell Joe (B) Joe and Anna need to move out.

I hope you can work through things with Colin!

Post # 291
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

KatGrace130:  You did the right thing having that talk with him.  If your gut tells you that he’s telling the truth (a crush is a totally plausible scenario, IMO) then you should trust him.  I’ve had a crush, it kind of sucks, but it’s hard to control.

However, these two need to move out.  Pronto.  You know what helped me get over my crush?  Space.  Not seeing the person.  You cannot continue to live with them, it’s just not a good idea/

Post # 292
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

kittyface:  +10000 to this.

OP, please don’t think we’re saying these things to rile you up or because we’re too suspicious. I’m not the jealous type and I trust my finace. He goes out for work things and spends time with female friends, but there’s a difference when you can sense something is wrong.

Most women that are cheated on like to think in the moment that they and their partner are special, and that things are “different” between them than other couples, but being a psychology major, and a student of life (friends constantly tell me their problems) I can tell you that human beings act suprisingly similar in most situations and when people tell you his actions and words are very textbook and classic for someone that is still hiding the real truth, BELIEVE THEM! It’s really really hard because you want to believe the one you love, who wouldn’t? But I would really consider what has been said here.

Post # 294
Member
40 posts
Newbee

We all sometimes avoid talking about things with our SO that may have the potiential to make us look crazy and insecure.  With that said, the things you mentioned are not crazy insecure girl worries. Regardless of if these actions are innocent or not, they are definitely not Ok for someone in a commited relationship.  Talk to him, don’t accuse him, but let him know how they make you feel.  If thery are in fact innnocent, your SO should have no problem stopping this.  Someone who cares for you does not want you to feel insecure and would not do anything(within reason) that would make you crazy inside.  You do have a right to be upset. 

At the begining of our relationship there were some things that my SO would do in regards to female friends that made me nuts.  It was all completely innocent.  I spoke to him honestly about how I felt and he never ever did those things again.  I was able to explain why these things just didn’t sit well with me and he was completely apologetic and understanding.  We have not had those type of issues since.  I think it helped that I did not accuse him.  I just stuck to how they made me feel. 

Everything comes out in the end, but being clear with how you feel will help things get resolved sooner.  Feel better hun!!

Post # 295
Member
32 posts
Newbee

KatGrace130: I cannot believe you’re so cool with all this. Lots of the lying / mysterious unreachable times are not explained at all. Telling you he has a crush on her did NOT get rid of the crush, that’s not how it works. His heart flutters when she’s around. He enjoys her company in an inappropriate way. He is still currently having what amounts to a deceptive emotional affair with her, and as long as she’s in your home he will be attracted to her and have alone time with her, he’ll just hide it better. What a lucky guy!

The other couple needs to move out. Nobody ever confesses to the full extent of their cheating (and yes, this is cheating) and you need to listen to the PPs who are pointing out to you that he’s attempted to turn it around and put some blame on you and on the other girl, like he’s some innocent pawn and nothing’s his fault. What a load of BS. He chose to make the decision to fuel the fire and be around her, he chose to hide this from you, and he chose to lie to your face the first time you confronted him about this. He lied to you about his involvement with another woman, I mean holy crap, does that not even merit a conversation?

If I were you I’d be gone so fast the dust would still be settling by the time I found a new place. But since you choose to work this out, I advise you to A) Tell the other guy; he has a right to know what’s going on, and B) Ask more questions. Ask him questions, then ask them again a different way, and when you’re done ask him some more until you’ve worn him out and squeegee-d every piece of truth he doesn’t want you to know. Then kick the other woman out and set strict boundaries, because you deserve better treatment.

Post # 296
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Kir32:  Exactly, attraction happens. A full blown crush is another matter entirely. It’s infatuation and he’s not even trying to avoid it! There is no reason on God’s green earth for him to be doing this.

Post # 297
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Barely_Blush:  Yes! OP, just imagine what would have happened had you not confronted him. He sure as heck would NEVER have confronted you. Things would have gotten a lot sneakier and a lot more x-rated given that he lives with his crush and has plenty of alone time with her. He has proven, without a doubt, that he’s not capable of making respectful decisions regarding other women while in a relationship, and is only fessing up because you’re forcing him to.

Man, I really hope for an update.

Post # 298
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow,

 

I would not be cool with this at all. I agree, with PP’s about the trickle truth. He’s blaming you and this Anna chick for what’s going on. This is super shady to me, and I don’t know if i could be with someone that goes out of his  way to spend time with another woman, who deletes texts (which he obviously did) with this woman, who shares a blanket and wine, bike rides-Nuh-uh! I don’t really think I could trust him. Personally. Unless Anna and joe move out, and move far, far away, I don’t think I would be able to trust him even if she did move out. Just cause she’s not in the house, doesn’t mean they can’t hang out outside the house. I am appalled with her, bc she moved into YOUR house with HER bf, and is moving in on your man. How low of them. I hope this works out for you, but you need to open your eyes to the situation, and make a decision with a clear mind.

 

good luck

Post # 299
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

No! No! No!

Do not belive him!

OP, I feel so bad for you. As I said on a previous post, I was in your situation once.  I wanted to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt.  I soooooo wanted to do anything to hang onto that relationship that I believed anything he told me.  I wanted to belive there was nothing going on (my boyfriend also said he just had a “crush”).

What makes me so upset about this is exactly what the other Bees are saying – he’s conveniently blaming Anna, he’s blaming you for working a lot, heck, he even brought up the ONE TIME you and Joe were one the couch together?!?!?! < — That’s what liars and cheaters do!  They deflect the blame away from themselves!  He’s still making you think you’re crazy because I’d bet you a million dollars when he said you were working a lot, you actually DID think to yourself for a moment, yeah, I was working a lot….

So now he’s got it all out in the open, right?  So if something does happen, where they actually do get caught, it’s all Anna’s fault?  “Honey, you knew I had the crush but she just didn’t stop” is going to be his next line.

You deserve so much better than this!  I would at the minimum, insist that Anna and Joe move out.  But honestly, I don’t know if I ever could trust Collin again.

Post # 300
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

He is lyyyyying. He is lying. I didn’t even have to read past the grocery store part. Because when I was much younger and much more selfish, I messed around with my friend’s bf behind her back. Our emotional affair went on for months and we would find ways – like running errands – to be around one another. At that point it is not a crush, it is OBSESSIVE – addictive. A calm, loving relationship is so different from that hormone-fueled whirlwind and you don’t stand a chance if it’s accessible in your living room. Eventually, i flat out told my friend and she took his side and was in denial. Do not do that.

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