(Closed) BF is attracted to our roommate. I think. Please. Help.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 331
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

KatGrace130:  Hey there, lady. Good for you for confronting him. Sadly, I think he is lying. So he says he got up to go to the bathroom to avoid her closeness that one time. What happened when he got back from the bathroom? We’re talking hours that they had the house alone to themselves, right? Dinner…wine…night time…blanket. The romantic setting was all there and didn’t go away when he returned from his supposed trip to the bathroom. Do you really think he was willing and able to avoid her supposed advances, and his own urges, for that long? On a daily basis? And the bike rides? I hate to say it, but his behavior is that of a cheater because he is trying to play it off innocently,  because he threw some blame your way because you’ve been working so much, and because he so readily said he’d back off spending time with her. Did he ever say, “I’m sorry I hurt you and made you worry.”? I didn’t think so. Because it was all about him, putting himself first, and not you and your feelings. He’s only saying he’ll back off spending time with her because you confronted him — he isn’t backing off of his own accord. He waited to get caught. See the difference? That is all cheater behavior. Also, you’re not to blame at all. I call bullshit. If he misses you, he should be spending the time apart from you keeping himself busy with his own responsibilities and planning things so that when you are together, that time is all the more special. Instead, he’s spending that time daydreaming about and with Anna. Not smart, not good, and not true to you. Of course he doesn’t want anyone else to talk about this any further because that would mean a huge disruption in the household among the four of you, and a huge disruption in his daydreaming and sneaking around with her. I think you should bring up these points to him and see what he says, but I think ultimately you will need to move out of this situation and relationship with him. Big, big hugs as you figure this out. Be strong, much stronger than you’ve been, and you’ll see this through.

Post # 332
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

Good luck to you OP such a hard place to be.

Post # 333
Member
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Also, note that Boyfriend or Best Friend says he “has” a crush, not had one.  OP, even if nothing more happened , which I do not believe, you need to start by valuing yourself ahead of  someone who does not put you first in his heart.  

As I said, personally I would be done for a lot less than this, but at the very, very least, take a big step back, move out,  and date other people. If  Collin shows remorse, works hard over time to earn back your trust, cuts off the relationship with Anna completely, and tells her and Joe they have to move out,  then you may start to get the idea that he is serious about making amends. Even then, it may take a very long time, if ever, to trust him again. 

But in my mind, right now you are letting him off the hook way too easily and teaching him that you will tolerate just about anything just to keep him around. Let him know that is not true, and that you deserve much better than this total crap. 

Post # 334
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

I smell “cheater” and the only solution is leaving.

Post # 335
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

KatGrace130:  Hi OP 🙂 Your head must be spinning with all of these responses :/ Kudos for being so level-headed and for mustering up the courage to confront your boyfriend. I’m not commenting to say whether I think he’s lying or not but just to say this–and for the sake of making my point let’s assume your boyfriend is telling the truth and Anna made advances toward him–what would you have done if Joe came onto you? I know if it were me, the first person I would have told would be my FI–like, the day it happened. I don’t keep anything from him. I would have removed the other couple from the situation entirely and fast. Wouldn’t you have done the same? And don’t you want a man that would return the respect and do the same for you? Best of luck sweetie. 

Post # 336
Member
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

On the subject of partial  truths,  make sure you ask lots of follow up questions.  For example, let’s assume there really was an incident where Collin turned Anna’s advances down.  Fine, but is that the whole story? It doesn’t necessarily mean there weren’t other times he didn’t.  Or that she didn’t. A truth associated with lies of omission can be quite misleading. I’d get as  specific as possible and ask, whether at this time or any other, have you two ever  kissed, before or since that incident?  Held hands?  Slept together? 

Also, consider whether there is a chance that Collin is playing literal minded word games with you, along the lines of “Are you sleeping with her and  ” No (in his head,  but I was).”  Or in those infamous words, “it depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.”

I am a little concerned that Collin is always  all “hey babe” and you take everything he says on face value. Speaking of which, and of course I know this is not always true, but guys who use the phrase “babe” all the time rub me the wrong way, always did.  Maybe it’s because some men  get into the habit of using it when  they don’t want to say the wrong name by accident!

Post # 337
Member
32 posts
Newbee

weddingmaven:  This is very true. Your boyfriend refused to inform you of what was going on, and so there is no reason to believe he’s telling the whole truth now. No reason.

Post # 338
Member
1842 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m not sure if having Joe and Anna move out is the best idea.  It might remove the temptation, but it also kind of makes it easier if they want to continue seeing each other, and harder for you and Joe to “keep track of.”  Any time your boyfriend leaves the house, you’d have no idea who he was with.

Also, it’s not like it’s possible to just remove the temptation anytime he has a crush.  What if it happens at work?  Would he just have to quit his job?  Like several other posters on here, I have had crushes with people since being in a relationship, including at work.  It takes self-control to be around temptation and ignore it, but unfortunately, it’s life.

The part that concerns me is if he truly understands acceptable boundaries, and what you will and will not accept.  If he thinks telling you that he has a crush is all that’s necessary for you to drop the issue, without fully recognizing how wrong his actions are, the issue might not be solved.  I think even if he’s doing something inappropriate he might be able to stop it but only if: 1.) He recognizes it’s wrong 2.) He respects you and your relationship enough to stop.

I don’t know what’s going on here, and I’m sure this is really rough.  Just remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, just as much if not more than the amount of respect you’re giving him (which I believe is a lot based on how rational and patient you’ve been with him!)

Post # 339
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

Commenting to follow.

I wish you the best OP! Don’t shortchange yourself.

Post # 340
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

OP sorry about this situation 🙁  I think your boyfriend should have manned up and insisted they both move out ASAP if this was just an innocent crush.  YOU should be his first priority, and if anything was jeopardizing your relationship, then he should fix it.  From his actions and words I wouldn’t believe it’s just a crush.  Hope it all works out soon!

Post # 341
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

Wow. I read the whole 23 pages just to see your responses.

You are dealing with this in the most PERFECT way. You’re digging info to see if there are any clues to find, but all the while remaining calm and nice to him since you do not have the clues, if any. I really admire you for that because I, for one, WOULD FLIP !!! A crush ??? Hell, I don’t even know if I’d be able to accept that. I know I wouldn’t go past the blanket incident. Which is why I think you’re being very reasonnable not jumping to conclusions.

HOWEVER, please remain cautions. Don’t get caught up in the ‘He was very blunt and direct as opposed to a cheater who would blatantly try to reassure me’ part – because he may be smarter than you think, since he seems like a pretty calm and down to earth person. I will admit it does sound like he is telling you the truth, since no man in its right mind actually cheating would say ANYTHING that might make her think something is going on, as he did by admitting he had a crush.

Either that, or he is freakishly smart and knew it would only raise your suspicions more by playing the’ BABE how could you say that? I would NEVER do that to you! card.

What about Joe now ? Does he know his trashy girlfriend tried to MAKE A MOVE ON HIS BOY??!?!?! Man ! At loss for words. I was pissed the whole time I read the thread and comments.

 

Keep us updated OP !!!!!!!

Post # 342
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Intuition is usually there for a reason. These are some pretty big red flags. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! 

Post # 343
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

Hope you are doing alright OP!

Post # 344
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Any update?

Post # 345
Member
1821 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I wonder what happened to this poster

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