BF Is bestfriends with his ex?!

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Yeah, I would consider your boyfriend’s omission of the fact that he dated this woman for three years to be very alarming. Personally, I would dump your boyfriend because he is clearly a liar. You already ARE on the outside of this friendship because both of them keep that very significant fact from you. What else are they keeping from you? I could never trust him again. But it’s your relationship and your decision. People have varying degrees of comfort with situations like these. I have a zero tolerance policy toward lying and cheating. Not say he is cheating, but he’s definitely lying.

Post # 17
Member
12285 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would see this as an intentional lie of omission and a major betrayal.  You deserved to know and to make your own decision about this, even if it ultimately meant you were not OK with dating someone under these circumstances.  Of course, you might have ultimately accepted it if you had been given the courtesy of a heads up. He didn’t want to take that chance or give you the benefit of that information. 

In your place, this would be a deal breaker. I didn’t date men whom I could not trust. 

Post # 18
Member
446 posts
Helper bee

I looked at your earliest posts and saw you had issues with him keeping you at arms length and the relationship not progressing how you would like. To me, this seems like an extension of that same problem. He’s keeping prett significant parts of his life from you. I think you guys need to have a serious discussion, not about being friends with an ex, but about him being open and making you feel like a part of his life.

Also, i wouldn’t move in with this guy if you aren’t engaged.

Post # 19
Member
933 posts
Busy bee

Okay, let’s address the elephant in the room, here…his situation is WEIRD. I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, or threatening, but it’s very unusual. I completely understand your feelings of discomfort. I also want to say, it’s okay if you feel jealous. I firmly believe that one of the few times jealousy is valid, is when it’s for your partner. Obviously, how one should act on that jealousy is another story, but simply feeling it isn’t wrong, or out of place. *Of course* you feel threatened that your SO has an initmate relationship with a person he’s shared mutual attraction (and physical intimacy) with…it could legitimately be innocent now, but it’s perfectly natural for you to feel uncomfortable with it. I find it really odd that two people who clearly care deeply for each other and remain so close to each other, would break up…maybe getting more details from him would be good? To get the full picture of how their relationship has evolved? 

 

Secondly, your SO is perfectly aware at how unusual it is to remain *so* close to an ex, which is why he didn’t tell you sooner. I don’t think this is necessarily a red flag, because to be honest, I can understand his perspective, especially if the relationship is truly innocent and platonic to him…perhaps he wanted you to see how innocent their interacions are, so you wouldn’t make assumptions if he told you sooner. Perhaps he’s “scared other gfs away” because he told them early on, and so he wanted to take it slower with you and show you how it actually is before dropping the bomb—so you’d be more likely to believe him when he says it’s innocent? 

 

So I do think you should have a calm, productive talk with him. Tell him that you feel bothered, but that you want to believe it’s innocent and accept it…but you’ll need the whole picture. Why did they break up? How did they get so close after the break up? Etc…I agree with PPs that it’s probably not threatening if he’s given you no other reason to feel threatened by it until that fact came up. But personally I’d have a hard time ignoring that they used to have attraction, so I’d want to know why it ended and if the attraction is really gone. If they’re “like family” to each other, they obviously get along really well…and if they’ve hooked up before, they must’ve found each other physically attractive as well. Physical attraction doesn’t just go away, and if they’re still so close emotionally…what happened?

 

Post # 20
Member
6291 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I wonder if he didn’t say anything about it to give you a chance to get to know her and her family first so you could see her as they are now rather than as an ex of his? If they have been friends for over 20 years and only dated for 3 years, that dating time is a very small fraction of their total relationship. Maybe he didn’t want you getting to know her as his “ex” but as his friend where the bulk of their relationship was not about dating?

I do agree that not telling you at all over the course of a year together is not okay- you shouldn’t have to pull this kind of information out of him or find out about it from someone else.

I also agree with Livster on this point:

“If someone came into my life and after a year thought they could start micromanaging my TWENTY year relationships, I’d dump them so fast their head would spin.

You are absolutely allowed to feel any and all feelings about this situation, but recognize they had 2 decades of friendship preexisting you and may have many more decades AFTER you, if you mishandle the situation.”

Post # 21
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t understand how OP is considering micromanaging the friendship. 

The boyfriend intentionally mischaracterized his relationship with the friend by neglecting to mention there was a three year romantic and sexual relationship in their shared history.  If anything, the boyfriend manipulated OP by refusing to share information about this history that might allow her to make different, informed choices.  

 

Post # 22
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

livster :  I agree that she certainly shouldn’t ask him to drop a 20 year friendship but I think it works both ways. A year isn’t a short time either in the serious dating world especially for an adult couple. Some people start thinking engagement after a year and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some boundaries when a relationship starts getting serious. For example I have a good guy friend ive been friends with for almost 10 years now (back in my hometown) and we used to hang out alone in his apartment and just chill out and watch movies and it was always purely 100% platonic on both ends nothing ever there. Then he got a gf and I stopped hanging out alone with him at his apartment (no one requested that) but out of respect for his serious relationship I wanted to make his gf feel comfortable with us.

I’m not saying anyone is doing anything wrong at all but I think sometimes things that used to be appropriate to do with an opposite sex friend when you are single may make the partner uncomfortable and generally i think in terms of opposite sex friendships the partner’s feelings should be considered first. Now again by no stretch should he be expected to drop the friendship but he should also be making sure everything stays on the up and up. I do think saying my partners head would spin so fast if he brought up any issues is i think a harsh and dismissive way to handle your partners feelings. I would be hurt if after a year of dating my fiance said too bad and didn’t take my feelings into account at all with something that made me uncomfortable.

Post # 23
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

I don’t think that it’s the OP who has mishandled the situation. It’s funny how other posters are essentially scaring her that she must behave a certain way or face losing the relationship. Clearly this guy isn’t afraid of losing the OP or mishandling the situation.  Why are women so ready to take such shit treatment from men? The stuff I see people take on this site boggles my mind.

Post # 24
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

coffeecakez :  Yup this so much this. You don’t “forget” to tell someone you dated someone for 3 years. This wasn’t a hs kiss he never mentioned. Also people can flame me for this but I think it’s bull crap “oh she is family” boy please. I don’t know about you but I certainly don’t date people I see as family. Even if it doesn’t work out you don’t magically see someone as a romantic partner and then boom as platonic they are like a sister to you. Sounds like he may want his cake and eat it too. Not saying they can’t be friends at all but bee watch closely and be careful. If he starts going places alone (without her husband) and purposely doesn’t invite you (say you’re home or not doing nothing) then the red flags are there.

Post # 25
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

livster :  Forgot to add she never mentioned anything about micromanaging their relationship at all heck she never even mentioned saying anything to him about it. She just wanted people’s advice on if she should be worried. Way to jump to conclusions.

Post # 26
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee

yogahammy :  Let’s say this friend was a man not a woman and instead of being an ex, 10 years ago he was an drug addicted alcoholic who spent time in jail because he stole to sustain his addictions but had fully rehabilitated and could now even hang out around alcohol without partaking (yes, I realize this is a really weak analogy but I struggled to come up with something that would similarly give the OP pause about the friend’s past while also arguably not being an issue in the present).  My advice would be the exact same: the OP is “allowed” to feel any and all feelings upon discovering this, including feeling hurt/angry that her boyfriend hid this pertinent information. The OP is also “allowed” to think she doesn’t want to hang around this person and to wish they were not an integral part of her boyfriend’s life.  But as the boyfriend, if the person I’d been dating for a year tried telling me to drop or adjust my friendship with someone I’d been close to for over 2 decades, because of something that happened 10 years ago, I’d end the relationship.

I know the OP has not suggested doing any such thing and I’m just saying that the OP has to realize her boyfriend’s friendship with this woman is not about her and there is a lot of context and history that she is missing. She can absolutely decide this is a dealbreaker, its well within her rights, but if she decides to stick around, she doesn’t get to start redefining everyone’s relationships to suit herself, particularly when she is so new on the scene.

Post # 27
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

livster :  A year isn’t that short though. Again people often get engaged aftrr a year if they start dating in their say late 20s. If OP is uncomfortable with an aspect of their friendship since according to you a year is too short to say anything to the bf when should she wait 2 years, 3 years? If she waited after a lot of time people on here would be saying if you had an issue you should have brought it up right away not years later.

I think its all how it’s presented if my bf of a year was in this situation and say for argument sake he had dinner alone just her and him every Thursday night and him and OP got in a relationship and OP said hey babe I feel a little uncomflrtable that you are having dinner alone every week with another women I feel like now that we are starting to get serious its a littke inappropriate because it feels like a date maybe instead of the 2 of you doing weekly dinner night every Thursday we can double date or I can join you guys. That’s a lot different of a conversation that OMG why are you still friends with her you dated for 3 years i don’t want you hanging out ever again. I think as a serious gf you should have that right and openness to be honest if something makes you uncomfortable. I think any guy worth his salt would realize if he sees a future with the women he is dating he would put her before another (non relative) women. No women wants to feel like her feelings and comfort come second to some other women.

Post # 28
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

I have a close friend who I got to know as a teen. We were each others’ firsts.  We broke up but remained friendly.

We were in the same group of friends so even in our late 20s, and whilst both single, we used to double up with another friend of his who was married and the four of us would go partying or clubbing. It remained strictly platonic but it was easy, it was comfortable, and let me tell you, the history is ALWAYS there. 

The eaae between us isn’t based on friendship, it was physical, so there is always that connection between us even though I was NOT into him. We’d even sometimes talk about our history and how, no matter where in the world we were, if either of us heard this particular song we’d slow danced to all the time it would instantly remind us of the other. That kind of stuff is always there between exes. 

I just wanted you to know this about the two of them. She will have a part of him that alwys belongs to her, as long as exes are in the past that’s okay, but how do they handle an ongoing friendship having had this history is a little strange to me. 

I don’t consider any of my exes “family” even though I have no interest in them anymore and I can be happy for their lives. I can stay in touch, but this level of closeness is a little odd to me to begin with. 

 

Post # 29
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

It’s not about adjusting the friendship because of what happened 10 years ago.  We’re not there. As you acknowledge, OP hasn’t said that she intends to ask for adjustments. What this actually IS about, however, is the boyfriend lying to OP about what happened 10 years ago NOW. His lies are very much “about” the OP. When someone lies about formerly having a sexual relationship with a close friend, there is a reason for that lie. The lie automatically taints any innocence the friendship had.  It makes he friendship inherently untrustworthy. The boyfriend, if he has any decency, should own that and make up for it somehow. Don’t know how, but perhaps it does involve redrawing boundaries with this friend, depending on the reasons for the lie.  But the boyfriend shouldn’t  just get to sit there and do nothing because of your theory that OP has no right to ask for boundaries.  She gained that right when he LIED to her.   livster :  

Post # 30
Member
12285 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Let’s imagine that the boyfriend had done the decent and reasonable thing and advised OP up front about the history of the relationship. Any number of things might have happened. Perhaps OP would have appreciated the heads up and had no issue with it. On the other extreme, maybe she would have decided she couldn’t deal with an ex of three years as an integral and ongoing part of her life and would have left. Or somewhere in between, for example, she would have taken her time to process, but appreciated the candor and been able to discuss what kind of boundaries she needed going forward. Perhaps that would have meant being OK with group gatherings but not one on one at one another’s home or in date type of situations. 

The point is OP had all of those options removed from her, potentially wasting a year of her life in the process. I think it’s selfish and inexcusable. 

RayofLight :  You are right about that. People don’t develop amnesia, even 10 years later. OP had the right to know.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors