(Closed) BF is not ready

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

maybe with the house and all it is too much too soon.  Hopefully with a little more time he will be ready! Good luck!

 

Post # 4
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t really believe in timelines and ultimatums and in your case, you are right, it won’t work.  The question is, are you willing to wait until he is ready?  Did he state a timeline for how long he thinks it will be?  It could be 6, 10 years? If timing is important to you, then you should have a conversation with him.  Not in a threatening way, but just to get an idea of where his head is at.  Once you have that idea, you can decide for yourself if you are willing to work on the relationship that long.  You have control in this situation, you can make a choice for yourself and not have to wait on him. 

Like you, Boyfriend or Best Friend (at the time) and I moved in together before we got engaged and I was not 100% comfortable with it.  I made it clear to him that I was not willing to live together forever and that I still expected the relationship to progress to the next level.  Perhaps you can state your wishes directly so that you and he are on the same page and have the same expectations.

As for the family, I would correct them.  Fiance and I were together 4+ years when he proposed.  His mother took to introducing me as his fiancee before he proposed and I would correct her in a humorous way. I did so because it was important to me to let fiance and his family know that I think being a Girlfriend, Fiance, and WIFE are very different things. 

Three years is a long time to be with someone.  I believe at this point he should know whether he wants to marry you or not.  Think about what’s important to you and express those things. 

Post # 5
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. I know 3 years may seem like a long time to some people but a lot of us “waited” for much longer than that. He’s already said where he’s at on the subject so pressuring him anymore will probably not end well for you.

If you’re that uncomfortable living with him and not being engaged, then move out. That doesn’t mean you have to break up it just means that you will live separately. If you love him and you want to be with him then it shouldn’t matter if you have a ring on your finger right now. It will happen when you’re both ready. Marriage is a two way street. Both parties have to be equally committed in order for it to work.

I’m sure it will happen when the time is right. Until then, just enjoy being in love. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

you should not take it personally on this one, that’s for sure.

I think in this case he is simply not ready for marriage with anyone right now. some people might come off and would say he’s just not into you or he’s saying he doesn’t want to marry “you”. consedering his longest relationship before you was 6 months, he is not comfortable with commitment right now, or who knows for how long. it may take loooonger than you would like you know. it’s really up to you to decide.

 

Post # 7
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

But let me guess, he’s totally ready for you to keep living with him and probably paying half his bills and helping around the house like a “wife”?

I think you deserve to get some real answers from him.  It’s not fair that he let you move in, knowing how you felt and knowing how he felt.

What specifically isn’t he ready for?

What would it take for him to finally feel ready? (does he have vague answers, or is it something concrete like, when he graduates?)

Does he acknowledge what an awful spot he’s put you in?

He seems to know that you’re “the one” – I would demand a timeline at this point.  Even if it’s for another year.  He should know you’re serious and the clock is ticking.  If you don’t push a little now, he may come around on his own time but it could be YEARS. 

Post # 8
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@prettyflowers: I agree. Knowing why he isn’t ready is a good start on solving the problem. And if he doesn’t give you a reason, best to let him go. (Because if he doesn’t have a reason, then that means he doesn’t want to work on improving the relationship. He’s gotten “comfortable”.)

Post # 10
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Girl- honestly, I would move out. But I do agree with previous posters who have said you should ask him why he isn’t ready and what will it take/how long will it take to get ready. That way you know if he is just trying to string you along or if he has legitimate reasons.

Honestly, 3 years…. no. I personally could not wait three years just because of the simple fact that in a previous relationship I waited 3+ years and it ended up not working out any way.. in those 3 years I waited, I past by a lot of men who were interested in me and possibly would have been ready- but I will never know because I wasted my precIous time.

So basically find out why he isn’t ready and explain to him that since he isn’t ready, you will have to think twice about living together. You weren’t ready to move in without a ring but you did anyway… what about him? I would honestly move out. Not break up but move out… when he is ready to be married, you will be ready to move back in.

Post # 11
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@thenubian: Ok, what he’s saying sounds halfway decent.  (Halfway, because, if he’s doing well enough to have qualified to buy a house in this economic climate, he can’t be in that bad of shape.)  Agree, he should have brought this up a while ago.  I would try to clarify with him, though, what “financially stable” means.  It can be a moving target, it means something different to everyone.  Is it a dollar amount in savings? (and what is that amount, you should ask him.)  Is it both of you having solid jobs for a year or more?  What if the next 2 years don’t go as planned, financially (job loss or unforseen expenses)?  Does it mean you can’t get married in 2 years as planned? 

Does he understand – at some point, a couple just has to make the leap of faith once ducks are reasonably in a row.  You could always keep waiting until you have more money – but once you reach the next rung on the ladder there’s always a higher one – at some point you just have to go for it.

Post # 12
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Good luck with the boards.  I think his reasons are valid as that was a major part of the hold up with Fiance and I. 

FWIW, Fiance feels that a man absolutely knows whether he wants to marry you before the 3 year mark.  Financial concerns are something different.  Best of luck to you both.  I’ve been there and it gets better!

Post # 13
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

This is why I’m not co-habitating until there’s a ring on my finger. For some people it works out fantastically! You move in, you’re happy, and everything goes from there. I think, though, that a lot of the time guys get comfortable. They already have a “wife” so why make it any different? It sounds like he does care about you–if you say you’ve been together for three years and the longest relationship before that was six months. Six months is NOTHING. It’s barely even dating. But if you were uncomfortable moving in…why did you do it? A lot of people say move out, but it’s not that simple. Moving out but staying together? To me that’s a little like calling off the engagement but continuing to date. It doesn’t sit right. An ultimatum is not ever the way to go, but you need to have a serious talk. Sit him down and ask him–does he have ANY kind of timeline in his mind? Or is it just a “well when I finally feel like it,” cause he’s already getting all of the benefits.

Post # 14
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Ouch. That would really bother me. Had he said that he wants to marry you, but would rather wait until y’all were a bit more financially stable, I would understand it more. It kind of sounds like he’s unsure of the relationshipUndecided By three years I think that he should be ready. I think he should at least give you a timeline (that he actually plans on sticking to).

I think that if (and only if) you are content to wait until he’s ready then, that’s what you should do. If this bothers you though, I think that maybe you should think about moving out. Right now he has all the advantages of having a wife without you actually being a wife.

Post # 15
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

And by the way- my personal opinion, financially stable has nothing to do with getting engaged. You can ALWAYS get engaged now and work toward getting married by saving and paying off debt, etc. There is NOTHING wrong with having a long engagement and I feel that if he locks it down now with an actual proposal, then he is showing you that he is serious, not just telling you (actions mean more to me).

Good luck my dear. I would sit him down and ask what financially stable means and develop a plan together on how you are going to get there. I really don’t think an engagement should be delayed because of that (unless you are asking for some grossly expensive ring).

Post # 16
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just want to say, he didn’t “Put her” in any situation. She made a CHOICE to move in with him, in spite of having her own reservations. She knew all along he’s having commitment issues (no relationship longer than 6 months is already a red flag). I think sometimes we as women have to stop acting like victims who have no power in the relationship and wait round for the man to make decisions. 

I think you should just take him at his word and obviously speak more with HIM as to what “not ready” means. I think if you re-read your post you already know what you should do. Whether you do listen to that inner voice, it remains to be seen.

And I totally agree with armychicas last post

 

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