(Closed) BF is not ready

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee

Hmm, I can’t help but wonder where this came from?

My first conversation with him would not be of timelines but of what triggered his need to share this information. Although it’s much appreciated, I would try and get to the underlying root of what this is really about.

Is he feeling rushed by his family?

Has he realized something about your relationship that he’s not sure about?

Is he feeling like HE isn’t good enough?

I would try and talk this out first and see what’s going on. If my SO said this to me I would be wondering if he was okay or if something was bothering him.

Post # 18
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I had the choice to not move in with my SO and I chose to do it. We will be living together in the next three weeks, already have been living together at my house for the past month but we need our own place that has more room. The reason why I chose to move in with him is not only because he is the one, the love of my life but that we have talked about it and he knows I dont want to live with him long until we get enaged. He has agreed. He is a man of his word, and that is the only reason I am doing this before we are engaged. My past relationship however I lived with the guy for 3 1/2 years without commitment and got used as a wife and never saw a commitment in the future. So in a way I am scared from that but my SO now is 100% different than my ex so I am sure he will prove it by not wasting both of our time and to do it in the next few months…i hope…

Post # 19
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@armychica06: So totally agree with you…. but how do I bring that up to my SO… he has mentioned that to me before and I am not exactly to sure if that is the exact reason why he is waiting or he is waiting for us to move in together and for things to settle down a bit before he does it?????  How would i talk about that and when???  Dont want to bug him again about the engagement thing but I also dont want him to think its ok to prolong the engagement until finances are fine… because they are fine with him and I am hoping its not just an excuse…

Post # 20
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

next time a talk comes around- bring it up…. hey, since we are on the subject, I just wanted to let you know I am completely OK with having a long engagement. So please don’t feel you can not propose until finances are fine because they may never be 100% and I wouldn’t want to delay an engagement for that reason when we could just be engaged and work on that together before we get married.

Men like things to be straight and forward- so tell him exactly how you feel.

Post # 21
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@armychica06: That is a good idea, hoping he wont get mad at me because he already has it figured out in his head, kinda not fair to get mad at me, because it is my life to and I wouldnt mind knowing what is going on as well.

Post # 22
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Just want to chime back in as someone who dealt with a wait based more on a financial issue than a commitment issue.  I had no doubts about Fiance desire to be married or his committment to me.  As a matter of fact, he was ready LONG before I was.  I would advise those waiting ladies to make that distinction.  Know if it’s really about his finances or about his commitment.  I knew he was committed but it didn’t make my wait any easier.

Do you need money to get engaged?  The simple answer to that is no.  If you are OK with getting no ring or a less expensive ring then definitely express that to your guy. And while we are on the topic, you don’t need money to get married either.  HOWEVER, some men have a vision of how they want to propose.  So if HE wants to save money to get you a ring or do something special you may get push back.  That was my situation.  I expressed to Fiance that I was fine with a stone other than a diamond, it didn’t have to be extravagant, blah blah.  He would have none of it and basically told me to butt out.  In the end, he told me, he has a way that he has always wanted to do it and would appreciate it if I let him do that and I did. 

Getting financially stable can take YEARS, so as pps have mentioned get an idea of exactly what financially stable means AND what is the plan to get there and by when.  I think being financial stable is important because money issues can wreak havoc on a marriage so your guy may not be just giving you excuses.  Just make sure you are on the same page.

Post # 23
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@thenubian: So he said he would be ready to be married in 2 years? What would be wrong with getting engaged now, and having a 2 year engagement? Or did he mean he would be ready to be engaged in 2 years, and married at some undefined time after that?

Post # 24
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@Bubu82: I agree with you, I think anyone whos SO says they will be ready in a few years needs to ask them to be married or engaged… Because really you only need about $700-$800 for the ring I want and to be angaged other then that you dont need money and for me the wedding is paid for by my parents so we dont need money for that either. Best to be clear with your SO and make sure because you can be engaged and save money during that process.

Post # 25
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Maybe this is his way of feeling you out about the issue… seeing your reaction to the conversation. He obviously knows that it’s a major relationship issue if he’s bringing it up. It’s possible that by telling you this, he’s trying to open up a discussion about getting engaged.

?? Just trying to present another possibility.

 

Post # 26
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@bluebelle00: He just knows that i dont want to be doing all the duties of the wife when we live together because I have told him that, with out the commitment that is…. he knows I am serious too, so I have to leave it in his capable hands but it is very hard to not know what is going to happen.

Post # 27
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think that you just have to decide what you want and how long you’re willing to wait for him to be ready, or whether you’re content with your relationship the way it is.

I give your BF props for being honest with you about how he feels, but the reasoning to me reads like an excuse. I never get the “I want to be financially secure” part. I agree that being financially secure is important, but what is his definition of that? What if something unexpected comes up? I think that being engaged and married is for better and worse… for thick and thin, you know?

I, personally, would not hang my hat on a promise of two more years. In two years he could still not be ready. Instead, I would just focus on what I want or need to be happy. If you know that marriage is a deal breaker for you, then it is. You don’t need to have any more conversations about it or timeline discussions. It seems you both know whether the other stands.

So, really, what do YOU feel? Are you content to stay with things the way they are? If not, give yourself your own internal timeline of how much longer you want to invest in something that may never be what you want it to be. That’s what I’m doing anyway.

Post # 28
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

A friend of mine had to, sadly, break off an engagement. Her exFI wasn’t ready to get married, and I guess he figured that if they were engaged that he would feel more ready closer to the wedding. Well, they broke up about 4 months before the wedding.

 

Her advice is, don’t get engaged if you aren’t ready to get married the next day.

This sucks for you, but I think pushing it or asking for a timeline may only make it worse.

Post # 29
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@BluegrassBunny:

yeah, i agree with your friend. for me engagement=commitment to marry. when i talk to my bf about our future i always strees on M rather than E, in fact i only pretty much use the word M. so we are speaking the same language.

Idol 10 has a contestant whose fiancee got in a bad accident a few month before the wedding. she is fully paralized. he and her family is taking care of her. this made me think A LOT about commitment.

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