(Closed) BF is not ready

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@thenubian: That’s probably what I would have done, too. It sounds like you will feel better about the situation if you move out. If you stay there, I bet you’d be thinking about it all the time and it would be bad for your relationship. Maybe you could explain it to your BF that way, that you want your relationship to continue being a happy one, and it wouldn’t be for you if you were living together in limbo.

Post # 33
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry – you arent ruining anything.  You are taking care of yourself and looking out for your best interest.

Post # 34
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@thenubian: You sound like a really strong woman, and for what it’s worth I would have done the same thing too. After 3 years he should know if he wants to marry you or not. He can’t expect you to fill the role of a wife financially and emotionally and not be willing to make that commitment. Guy want to have their cake and eat it too, and it takes a special kind of woman to say “I don’t think so.” If he wanted to get engaged to you he would have found a way to do it regardless of money. Don’t let him string you along with that excuse.

Post # 35
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

I would reaffirm to him that you want to be with him but you are not ready to live with him unless you know that an engagement is around the corner and he is ready for that. It was a requirement to be engaged if living together and he can not just ignore that because he is not ready. It isn’t fair to you that he is able to reap the benefits of a wife, without actually committing himself with engagement or marriage. Again, no one is saying get married tomorrow, but if he isn’t ready for engagement, then that means he isn’t ready to live with you and he can not be upset with you for that, especially when you told him that you did not want to move in together without a ring.

Ask him to please understand your position and that you still want to be together- this is not a break up, you just wish to be engaged along with living together. It is only fair and right- and I COMMEND you for being strong and standing up for yourself.

This should help get him ready- if he wants to live with you, then he knows that this is a requirement for such and he needs to step up to the requirement. You are doing the right thing. PM me any time if you need someone to talk to about this.

Post # 36
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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@thenubian: 

I have thought about what I want. My BF is very upset because he feels like he was being honest and now he is being punished because my decision to move out (not break up).

Good for you, girl! I hope that in time your boyfriend realizes that it’s not about “punishment,” but just you guys being in different places in your lives.

I think it’s awesome that you’re moving out and standing firm for what you want. I think too often people just kind of accept less than what will make them happy. 

Good luck! 

Post # 37
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am hoping that mine doesnt come to this…. I have exguasted my point to him over the last few months that I actually wouldnt have minded getting engaged before moving in together, but it didnt happen like that so in a way he got his way…  ( needed to because of my money situation as well ) but I want my part to be fulfilled now… he gets us moving in together and a few months down the line I want my engagement.

Post # 38
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Bravo for making the decision to move out.  Exactly what I was going to suggest, no, urge! I’m sorry, but I peeked at a post or a reply of yours to a post because I really wanted to see your ages (or close to it) before responding and I see that BF is 23 and you’re 26 (listen – my new husband is 11 years younger than me, so there’s that).  But, I think 23 can be, I repeat, can be very young for a guy (or a gal) to marry.  Don’t all jump on me yet; just tryin’ to make a point.  And at least he’s been honest enough to tell you so.  You’re on wedding bee.  His family refers to you as his Fiance or even his wife.  It’s no wonder this was on his mind, and he stepped up and came clean about his intentions.  So 2011 is pushed back to — we don’t-know, and two years can be pushed back too, you also don’t know.  So, yes, I applaud your decision (not meanly, not in a punishing way) to move out… and fast.  It’s his place; he bought it if I recall your initial post, so he’s laying some kind of stable groundwork for something! But get your own place, get the rest of your nursing degrees, keep going girl, keep on loving him and vice versa if that’s what you want.  And you’ll both see.  That means, you’ll see too – if the relationship deepens and you want to continue it, talking along the way about a solid commitment, or whether you want to soar on your own.

Post # 41
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

I am probably in the minority here and might take some flack for this, but I did give my Fiance a timeline/ultimatum/deadline – whatever you want to call it. We both really wanted to move in together (I am a huge proponent of living together before marraige) but I wasn’t about to get sucked into playing house without seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I gave him a rather long timeline (I think) of 2 years from the day we moved in together. I told him kindly that I was totally serious about it and would move on if he couldn’t decide after 2 years of living with me. I didn’t continually badger him about getting married just casual mentions of how long we have been living together here and there. This May is the 2 year mark and we got engaged in January. I laid out my expectations and he respected them, I’m sure it doesnt work for everyone but being up front about what I wanted long-term was the best thing for me and our relationship. Maybe a reasonable, well thought out action plan is in order for you guys too?

Post # 42
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

ask yourself… can you wait seven years? Cause thats the goin rate these days.

Post # 43
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Good for you. Moving out is exactly what I thought (but didn’t say in my original post). A relationship is about give an take. There’s nothing wrong with him feeling not ready and being honest about it. I give him credit for that. But you should be able to feel some kind of security to. I don’t think our asking for much. Kudos for standing up for yourself.

Post # 44
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree about moving out if you have lived with him for quite a while, he has gotten comfortable with you being the wifey already without actually putting the ring on your finger. He needs a wake up call. That happened to me with my ex and I left him for many reasons other than that one, but I decided to be completely honest with my SO now and I told him I am not playing the wife for a long time after we move in I told him I would give it a few months but thats it.

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